Experiences are True

the Next Big Thing!

2007-04-13T01:48:00.000-04:00

Hello Everyone,

I'm making a new CD and in an attempt to pay for the project I'm doing yet another Pre-Sale! The CD will be completed by the end of May and everyone who pre-buys a CD will have their name recorded in my heart and on my website: www.jodimclaren.com.

Remember to include your address in the payment information so I can mail you a CD when it is completed! Thank you so very much!

Jodi

the road i want is open, open, open

2007-02-28T13:54:00.000-05:00

sometimes it just hits me that i can live any kind of life i want to. i can dare myself into any kind of mystery, struggle, or challenge. i could explore any religion, or not explore any religion, i can talk to strangers, i can sing when i'm walking to class, i can invite people over to taste my latest stash of dark chocolate and red wine, or to sit around and talk and listen to classical music.

when i'm older i can live wherever i want to. i get to fall in love, i get to hurt, i get to feel joy, i get to be who i am. i guess all of this seems kind of obvious-- of course you can be who you are, isn't that what this life is all about? yeah, but when do you stop to actually think about it in an exciting way?? you get to CHOOSE. and the joy in that is not being worried about messing up when you realize that chances are you will be hurt in some way... the joy is in seeing what life is like when you seek out all of those curiousities that belong to you alone. those little instinctive thoughts that lead you to feeling like you found your right place in the world for the 5 minute conversation you had with someone you ran into on your way to-- wherever you felt like you should be in that moment.

and i guess thats what led me to blog this even, and it seems very monumental when these things fall into place. i think i'll dream my day into the rest of its place - next move, chai latte and a phone call home. after that class, and after that -- anything. and i know there are things that govern my activities, like time and schedules and responsibilities, but even those are things i chose to be a part of... and it sort of helps to have a next place you need to be when you're not sure what comes next.

the scariest times in my life have been times of stagnance, dizzy by the height, depth, and space of the grand canyon. but the path is always there to be walked along the edges, and that always seems to be enough to have felt a part of the expansive endlessness... to walk a measurable distance of the measureless. (the trip i took to visit krista in Arizona this weekend could inspire me for years).

jodi

The sky and concrete

2007-02-12T21:20:00.000-05:00

What's it all have in common?

LOVE.

the introvert returns!

2006-11-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

hello everyone (or anyone? who still checks this abandoned page?)

that question doesn't really need to be answered. truth is, i haven't written a blog since this summer and it wasn't until today... after an extended NF shutdown and an attempt at catching up on homework with my all-powerful day of no classes (Friday), the eventually led me aimlessly checking emails and finally to jen lemens blog (www.jenlemen.com). i wrote an email to this fantastic woman a few weeks ago asking her what was going on her life to which she responed "it's all on my blog," still i didn't read it until today! it was nice to "catch up" with her though through reading it.

this semester is trying me a little too hard. i keep reminding myself that college is supposed to be challenging and difficult and that everyone has a lot of work and gets stressed out. but when i do all of this AND carry around my extra set off information i pick up out of no where, i start to feel heavy and full of tears. all it takes is one genuine "how are you doing?" with a concerned look that knows something is wrong from a friend, and i'm torn between crying/giving some monotone answer and attempt at an explanation, or just saying "OK" and leaving it at that.

its funny because i can see right past this feeling, but its still so strong. for as much of an introvert as i am, and as much as i get in these moods when i don't maintain enough time with myself and time to reflect, at times like this i either need to disappear for a day alone or else have a long talk with a good friend... the kind of talk where i can just talk and talk and talk until i explain all the different things i've taken in during the week that i haven't reflected on, and have it be listened to.

today i was happy to be sent home from my voice lesson which i came to very unprepared... feeling very inadaquate. she asked how i was doing, or what i though specifically of my latest voice performance a few days ago where my knees were shaking and i was terrified and figity. i'm sure i hit all the notes and my italian pronunciation is getting better, but it doesn't feel good to sing in front of a group of people who are ready to critique you verbally the minute you finish.

much like my poetry class where i pass 17 copies of a poem i tried to put something important into, and read it aloud either lazily or nervously... because if you don't care how good your poem is, it doesn't feel so bad when people tear it apart. i don't really get offended so much as i just feel horribly uncomfortable.

for someone who advocates feeling uncomfortable in order to challenge and improve myself-- i think i've had a little too much. i guess the hope is that i become more comfortable in my own skin in more than a few different scenerios once i figure out how to be inside of them. hopefully the latest song i'm working on (by latest i mean... created after being sent home from my voice lesson for a much needed break) will come into a completed form this weekend. thanks to deborah loyd, i'll be spending the night in her guest room for some quality time with myself (and my guitar).

jodi

sidewalk inspiration

2006-07-22T20:24:00.000-04:00

what a wild week. i think working at 530 and 6 in the morning a few days in a row is definitely very difficult! and it's worn me down quite a bit, or i should say i've been worn down lately (owning the emotion rather than being a victim of it), and today all of my tiredness/inability to focus at work resulted in spilled milk (literally-- a whole gallon spilled on the floor!), a bad headache, and the desire to curl up and sleep for as long as possible.

but... my mom has been researching cars because our van is just about ready to die, so i got home today and just as i'm falling asleep, she asks if i want to go buy a new prius with her. i felt bad because buying a car is supposed to be exciting, but the last thing i wanted to do was sit in a car dealership and talk about airbags and tires. so i met her half way and dropped her off at the dealership.

before i go on... i have been noticing how much more inspiration lies inside of me since reading some things by henry miller about writing. one of his quotes that especially stood out to me is this:

Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heart-ache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. -Henry Miller

I love this so much because it's true! I can't say how many times I get the most random impulses to write something down or to play something on piano or to write an email or call somebody. And I probably follow through with about half of those things, but the more open I can be do follow them, the more faith I have in my own decisions... I mean, and that's all just coming from my impulses, things that are already inside of me that I just can listen to and trust a little. It's funny because being "impulsive" has such a negative connotation, but it seems like it does not only sow negative regretful decisions, being "impulsive" by which i mean... allowing those delicate impulses to be lived, can result in insightful or compelling pieces of writing and art. Henry Miller also said that "The truly great writer does not want to write: he wants the world to be a place in which he can live the life of the imagination. No man would set a word down on paper if he had the courage to live out what he believed in." And he goes on to believe "The art of dreaming when wide awake will be in the power of every human one day. Long before that, books will cease to exist, for when men are wide awake and reaming their powers of communication (with one another and with the spirit that moves all men) will be so enhanced as to make writing seem like the harsh and raucous squawks of an idiot." The man is a little extreme, but there's a lot in what he's saying!!

And what he's saying really puts a whole lot of hope into humanity, and especially into humanity that is willing to access their creativity to make a change in the world.

And here he is, a writer, saying that writing might seem like "harsh and raucous squawks of an idiot" who's essentially too wrapped up in a world he creates on paper to change the actual world.

Now when I look at this and think about songwriting-- it's all so similar. I tell people I'm majoring in english and minoring in music, and there's no glamour in it really because people think-- so what? What are you going to DO in life? read books and play music? I mean... music can definitely just seem like squawks of an idiot sometimes. i think lately i've really been feeling how hard it is to do this, to write songs and to work so so hard to get shows together and get people to show up just so i can stand in front of them and pour out some of the hardest things about myself and about life that i've come to realize. do i really have to be that low to feel understood in the world?

And then people say "you did a really good job," and i say thank you... but I can't really understand what about my performance was good, what made the other person like it.... did it make them feel a certain way? did they feel understood? did it just sound nice? was there something i said that stood out... and why?

You know... when I read books I like the aspect of feeling like I'm reading these things the author never talked about. It's like getting the inside scoop, getting whats REALLY there and not having to push away the surface stuff to get there... it's just THERE described very precisely. I love these kinds of books because I feel understood by the author or the character, and I feel like I'm getting something that no one would ever get unless they took the time and opened this book.

I guess there's just so many places in life to dig... and keep finding more and more and more. There's an abundance of meaning if we can search for it.

Songwriting is my method of digging into myself, and I think its important to dig elsewhere, and also to improve ourselves and help our community -- global or local. It is my sincere hope that my improvement starts with my music, and my self-reflection... and that maybe others will feel welcome to investigate themselves too.

In the midst of feeling all of these things, someone was able to tell me that what I'm doing with my music is something others should hear and see... and this person is working really hard in Beaver, PA to help make sure some other people do hear about me and what I'm doing. And when I understood that THATs why he wanted me to perform at his bookstore, I just got this whole realizatioin that what i'm doing does matter, and says more than the personal stuff i'm saying in each song, it says that i'm willing to make this my life to try to make my life better and make other peoples lives better because i believe in this... and i never was able to look at it in that way until David put it the way he did on the phone today. So I really appreciated that lot.

Looks like i've gone a little overboard with impulsively writing my own thoughts down without "slaughtering" many of them at all here in this post. I guess what I meant to write about all along is how I was feeling sort of lost again as an artist, or discouraged, realizing how much work it is and how rare it is that someone gives me that kind of feedback i received today-- or even the outward action of setting up a show FOR me, and asking me to branch out and try performing 5 hours away to see if i can bring/reach an audience out there.

so tonight i went to little italy to eat at amicci's with my mom, italian food was just the kind of comfort i needed, and my mom had never been there so it was nice to be able to show her little italy. when we were walking around after dinner there was an artist on the street, an old man painting, so i went over to talk to him (and my mom, embarrassed and afraid to talk to him because "then you have to buy something," stayed on the other side of the street and waited). I asked him how long he'd been painting and what mediums he used... and if he made a living okay doing it. "since i was 4, and now i'm 63" "all of those are ink" ... "yeah i make a living, every weekend i'm out here." I asked how he got to be so well known and he said he just put himself out there a lot "and never get discouraged" he said... "you just keep trying and showing people what you have." and without explaning this whole explanation i have here in the blog... that little bit of advice hit home. especially coming from a man who's been drawing/painting for 59 years! i mean.. he didn't get discouraged enough to ever give up, and there he is on the corner every weekend still... just hoping people like his art enough to buy it, trying not to get discouraged. strangers have a great way of meeting you when you need them. i'm very thankful for that.

and i'm looking forward to the shows in beaver next weekend! all of this is really pushing me to grow as an artist in places that are difficult. i don't complain because no one is making me do this, it's just a very big part of my life.

thanks for reading all this.

-jo

testing, 1, 2

2006-07-18T21:06:00.000-04:00

yeah.. i wrote a post last night and my computer died on the spot, without warning, erasing the entire post... i took it as a sign that i should get to bed, because it was getting late.

i began to appreciate the extra time that summer gives us today. i realized there's a lot i need to do, and usually having a lot to do (personally and emotionally and financially) results in stress because there is usually ALREADY a lot to do... but in the summer time, i can spend a lot of time on things and not feel like i'm neglecting school work or hanging out with people or whatever it is... because there's a whole lot of time in the day! and a lot of days!

i woke up this morning with an intense urge to go to the library. that's when i remembered i needed to do a lot of work on my computer... researching different programs, figuring out what would be best for me to do in the next 3 years of college. i want to be a songwriter, so the decisions i make about what types of classes or programs i get involved in should really be ones that will help me acheive my dream. it's not always possible to do everything out there that would benefit me, because of time and money, but i'm glad that i'm looking into it all and that i have the time to really sort it all out.

when i started to do this this morning, i was feeling very down and lost. thinking all the things that would be good for me to do aren't actually feasible. part of my feeling lost comes from not having enough faith inside me that things will work out if i try to do all i can to make music and learn how to become a better musician... i start to feel like maybe i'm not cut out for all of this, maybe i should just chill out a little, and not get so bogged down about this huge emotional battle that surrounds having a dream that is far away. but of course, like all disney movies taught us, life is all about going for it. i can say that i've come around and now feel positively enough to be writing all of this out because the day had quite a big turn of events.

i still don't know exactly which programs i'll be doing, but i know that i could potentially go to martha's vineyard for a semester to record/write songs/take classes on the business end of things and the artistic side of songwriting and connecting to an audience or market. i could go to south africa for a semester, and the classes look really interesting. it all just takes some manipulation of my schedule and maybe some summer classes, but hey-- if i could be receiving that amazing of an education, i'm willing to do a little extra work to make up for time spent having a blast in other islands/countries.

when i was soul searching and internet searching i came across tom willett's website (www.tomwillett.com), he runs the martha's vineyard program and is a good friend of my dads from a long time ago. this website was sort of a strange collection of insightful quotes and authors saying things about creativity and artists... and i got so drawn into it. i bought a book on half.com that he recommended on there by picasso, it's letters he wrote to his brother. then i went to the library to get more of this author henry miller. he had such incredible things to say about writing, and freeing the world by enduring pain that transforms into art, and consequently freeing yourself of the pain through creativity and feeling accomplished. it all really hit home with the idea of songwriting, and i felt very understood just by reading it.

so my morning impulse to go to the library finally made sense at about 430 in the afternoon, when i went to get a henry miller book.

also... when i was feeling very lost in the morning, it was weighing on me a lot, and i really really wanted to come to some sort of conclusion for myself. so i decided to fast for the morning. i just drank lots of water, and i really wasn't that hungry because my mind was so occupied thinking other things.

the time seemed right to eat after i went to the library... i stopped by pepperjack's to drop off fliers for my show at the daily grind this thursday, and bought a sub. i remembered stuff written in sidhartha about fasting and how it made him feel good because it was this spiritual thing... so i gave it a shot, and i'd say the day worked out nicely. when i got back, my advisor from lewis and clark called my house (i had written her an email asking questions about this program in martha's vineyard), it was so nice of her to call me over the summer, when she's not even going to be returning this fall, just to explain to me what credits would transfer, and her opinion of what i should do (basically, go for it if you want to). it was just the amount of clarity i needed.

there's still a few things i want to get done, and i definitely can't wait to read this book, but lucky for me there is plenty of time. i feel better already.

daily grind show: thursday aug 20th, 6-8pm, 8180 Maple Lawn Blvd, Fulton MD, 20759. www.myspace.com/jodimclaren.

i've been practicing a lot, i'm hoping to make this performance especially meaningful and powerful. hope to see you there.

jodi

PS- i'm getting a new cell phone (i lost my old one for 3 weeks now), so soon people can contact me again! this is good news for all of us. :)

i can't wait to spend more time with my friends this summer too! they're such great people. :) peace for now..

community.. and making this summer matter

2006-05-21T16:04:00.000-04:00

Welll, the more I talk/listen to people, the more I have to think about! So last night, Rach and I had a classic night together... which involves a comfortable couch/bed, and lots of laughter, maybe a tear or two, and the best conversations to fit both of our needs. everyone's got things to talk about when you're willing to just... open up! and talk about those things you might think about during the day, or feel. so something thats been coming up a lot in conversations with my mom and rach and others, is community! gosh how i love love loove the idea of it.

and i suppose that's why i'm beginning to brainstorm (something that is not done enough by our intelligent minds for these important life matters) ideas for making a community I care about and I feel is contributing to people who need it, or are willing to contribute to it. we live 20 minutes from downtown Baltimore, a city full of life, andd full of poverty and lack of life, and we live 45 minutes from the nations capitol, which has it's fair share of homelessness, crime, as well as beauty, success, and power (all those government buildings and what happens inside them). well that is a huge huge starting point.

a smaller, but still big, starting point for community is through churches like Cedar Ridge or The Church in Bethesda, one of which my dad started, and the other one that was started by Rob Kang and a group of great people.

And getting even more microscopic, but still blossoming with lots of opportunities and connections, is my house, me, the people I know who care about the world and themselves. how could i possibly experience community this summer in somewhat rural laurel maryland?

today i heard a great sermon by the new pastor at Cedar Ridge all about community, and taking risks, and what keeps people from taking risks (fear, laziness, being the victim, blaming others). I believe it will be available online through streaming mp3 at: http://www.crcc.org/converse/talks.htm, from May 21, 2006 sermon (it's not up right now, but it will be).

it got me thinking of ways cedar ridge could connect with the community more, and when i kept going, it got me thinking about my own personal life. after taking a poetry class with Mary Szybist at Lewis & Clark college, i developed a love for poetry and trying to express life through images. i would love to have a group meet at my house every week who would be dedicated to write a poem or two and we would all read eachother's poetry, and make suggestions... and also cook a meal together, and if we have musicians, maybe have a concert as well. This would take people who are interested in writing something, dinner could also be a place and time to sit and talk about important things if writing isn't exactly where people want to go with thoughts.

i'd want to meet some people i've never met before, or never gotten to know that well, and open this place up for some new discoveries to happen.

i'm also going on this road trip... which is so incredible because i'm connecting with a lot of people in my surrounding community to find places to stay/people to meet on our trip to Asheville, Atlanta, and then Biloxi, MS for relief work from hurricane katrina.

this blog is just part of the brainstorming going on, and i'd really like for these ideas to materialize in some delicious meals, conversations, poetry readings, house concerts... anything's possible! let's start talking about this, get in touch with me by email if you're interested - settle4more@gmail.com

i'm looking forward to the opportunities out there this summer,

jo

summer days and slowing down

2006-05-19T10:23:00.000-04:00

talk about a change of PACE! i used to be happy for any chance i had to grab a nap or a goodnights sleep, and now sleep comes in full 9 hour time slots. summer is a different game, and i'm still warming up to it. i loved college for too many reasons to list here, most of which had to do with being busy with things that mattered and having really good friends living in my building who i'd talk to or go places with whenever! i still have dreams that i'm in portland, a lott. my mind has to remember that it is now in maryland!

i heard thunder for the first time yesterday all year! it rains a lot in portland, but rarely does it thunder storm. i had a big smile on my face after i heard that rumbling thunder and the big rain drops on the skylight in my living room.

college is a very self-focused place... for the most part. definitely towards the end of college i'd made good friends who really did care about me, and who i care about soo much, and yeah we began to watch out for one another. but the thing is, you're surrounded by so many people and so much action, that it's easy for people to only worry about themselves. in a way that's nice. because it's hard to be in a place with all this new stuff and no one who's really grounded with who you are... so in making decisions for yourself, without any one expecting anything of you, you're so free and (ready or not) you've got all this control of your life. so i learned lots about myself from being in that environment. i also discovered that old counting crows song "raining in baltimore" and it makes for the perfect sad song about being "3,500 miles away," and "needing a raincoat" cause boy does it rain all the time out there. you need those songs that seem to fit right into your life, i love that.

yesterday i had a great talk with my mom. it was after i ordered 250 MORE of my cd's because i ran out of the first 250! hooraay for people supporting my music!! so yeah, my mom says something like "i don't know HOW you manage money, you do it in the weirdest ways, but i'm starting to learn to trust you because you always make enough money." My mom thinks if I don't have a job all school year, that means I'm broke and lazy or something. OR take my trip home to surprise Rach on her birthday.... my mom's wayy too logical to understand that whole idea. she's thinking, for how much it would cost to fly there, why don't i just buy a really nice gift. and i'm thinking, this would be best birthday surprise ever, i love my friend, i don't really have the money, but i'll find a way to make it back... end of story-- i GO, i surprise my best friend, we get to spend the weekend together, i have a house concert and make back the cost of the plane ticket.

so i guess it makes me feel a little better when i see everyone rushing to get a job, and i'm still searching around for what i want to do. there's just so much pressure out there, that if you don't have a job right away, that meanns you're lazy and you're broke... but i'm really not either of the two! and i really do want to drive around and play shows in different cities, and meet people, and make enough money to make it through my next school year, and be able to hit up some concerts this summer... but i don't need much more money than that.

i've learned to trust my heart a little more, with the few positive experiences i've had with my music and my big goals. like this road trip for instance that rach and judy and i are going on in 2 weeks to do relief work in biloxi mississippi! we're taking a week-long road trip down, staying in asheville and atlanta, and i'm going to play my guitar, and rach is going to interview coffee house owners, and if we're lucky, we'll interview someone from Paste Magazine. then we're doing 5 days of hurricane relief work in mississippi. it's going to cost money, and once again, i DON'T have a job yet. but we're going to volunteer in a place that really really needs help right now, and that is important, and it's also something that other people around me feel good about supporting and contributing money to. so, it's not that i'm forcing anyone to hand me money to go places... but i am opening that door to accept anything people are willing to give. and i'm learning that it's okay to do that, and that i work so much better under those circumstances. because then i feel so so thankful for people who support these things i'm passionate about, and we sort of get to share the feeling of accomplishment- because i can't do it alone.

so people think i'm a little crazy for trusting that if i do what's right, money will follow... but i care too much about people and music to really do it any other way. i really find joy in being able to live this way.

where to go...

2006-04-27T06:04:00.000-04:00

the past 24 hours have really changed a lot of my future plans... to start off, i fractured a small bone in my left hand called the pisiform. It was right after I learned how to do a cartwheel--something i've NEVER done before in my life, but i finally learned how! and then me and some friends decided to play soccer, so we did, and it was soo much fun. except we didn't have cleets and it was slippery! so i fell really hard on the palm of my hand and my wrist really really hurt. but i wanted to keep playing so i jumped up and got back in the game... then i fell on it again! and that really hurt! but i didn't think it was serious. next day, went to the health room, they tell me to get an xray, roxanne drives me to the emergency room and 3 hours later i have this green wrapped stint on my wrist and some pain-killers. a broken pisiform, a bone i never knew the name of or understood it's existence.... now robs me of the ability to play guitar for the next 6 weeks.

i had been making some big plans for performing, and this definitely gets in the way... but i'm thinking it could be for bigger reasons which i don't know or understand yet. for one, as much as it sucks, i do know i'm not powerless and i can still do lots of great things even if i can't play guitar (something i especially love). I wrote poetry about my music and how pivitol it is in my life as a means of communicating things i find so hard to communicate one-on-one.

i just finished writing a paper that i almost tried to get out of writing since this night has been so hard. but i called my brother and he reminded me of how much i am capable of doing. and so i did this paper, and it might be a B- instead of an A+, but it sure is something!

lots of little things have already helped me... like rach being up late on the east coast and randomly calling without even knowing all i'd been through today. and me getting to talk to trev, and krista coming in to talk, or listen to me talk and process through this stuff.

this broken hand-bone, has really already started to force me to depend on other people, in little, and big ways. and i think that's good for me, since i do try to give my focused time and attention to lots of people i love... it's good to be open to receive the back massages or the tea, or the hugs, or the phone calls. it's not that i expect them, but it's that they're there for when i need it, and people care and can help me out. i'm so thankful for that.

i think i'll get some rest now that this paper is written. farewell.

attention...

2006-04-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

i took a walk this morning at 730 in the morning. i was convinced by two of my friends who have been going on 7 30am walks for some time now, every day, to start the day. i said i'd join them, but didn't catch where exactly to meet... so i ended up going on a walk by myself. (this was after i spent about 10 minutes debating whether or not to get out of bed, of course i wanted to get out of bed, but i kept thinking.. i only slept 6 hours, i have work to do, i don't know where to meet them, etc. etc... til i finally did think "i WILL just got back to sleep," but by then the counter argument seemed worse than getting up..)

okay, so i start walking towards tryon creek/state park. i'm noticing little things, like purple trilliums. i'm staring at tall trees, i'm wondering where the path is going. i'm starting to sing in my head "don't count the hours, don't count the days." i'm walking at a moderate pace as if i'm racing to the end of the path. i get to the end of the path i took, there is a parking lot and baseball field. i turn around, this time i'm walking a lot slower. ahead of me there is a snail on the ground with a beautiful shell. it reminded me of the ocean and summer. i stooped down to see the slow movements on the wet pavement.

another time i stopped and stared at this hollowed out massive tree trunk, with two other trees growing off the side of it. i thought about what i would look like if other people saw me, how it might seem like i'm "trying to look like" somebody who loves nature. people always assume everyone's so pretentious, i just thought it was amazing that new thinner tall trees could find their foundation on the rotting bark of another tree.

i think i go out of my way not to stand out sometimes. i don't want people to think i'm asking for attention. though, i admit i do want attention. but not just attention from random people, and not any kind of attention. i want attention for who i really am, and what i really love, and what i really want to be. and to get that kind of attention, i cannot be afraid to stop along paths and stare at trees or flowers. that's the smallest example i can think of.

so i was walking back through a neighborhood and noticed these beautifully landscaped yards surrounding houses. and parked on the side of the road as a truck with two guys carrying gardening supplies, ready to keep these yards looking as perfect as they already did.

their yards look so nice because they have money.

planting seeds is an amazing task, the outcomes are incredible. when i see a forest so green with sprouting flowers and unraveling fern leaves all around me, i'm amazed at how easily everything grows, when very few people attend to it. it's a sort of miracle in itself.

i want to plant the plants in my yard when i grow up, and tend to my own flowers. and know the process more than i know the hourly wage it takes to tend to these beautiful plants.

i think one of the easiest ways to enjoy life is to give your attention to things that matter to you personally, and to take the time to gain something from it that you didn't know you'd get. rather than constantly buying products you know will serve you in very concrete, practical, tangible ways... well that's fine to do too. but for me personally, i get enjoyment out of new things, like the snail that was on the path today. and the purple trilliums. and the thought of growing up and having a garden that i had time to pay attention to.

a different color hue on a gray day

2006-04-08T15:56:00.000-04:00

woke up feeling so homesick.

but i don't want to go back home, i want to endure, and learn to fill this place with new things that i still feel a lack of sometimes. like being understood. and being understood requires a whoole lot of relational work that i'm so afraid to do when i'm hurting. like opening up, when i'm sad. it's what i want to do... and i am getting there slowly. but i'm not there, and i don't think you ever get there, i think you just have to keep up with yourself, or let yourself go through things, and trust yourself to come up with conclusions of your own that are good for you.

thats what being here is all about.

this "hue" i'm talking about is hugh prather's book "notes on love and courage," here's the quote on the page i opened up to:

"a new idea has energy, but like a new battery in an old five-battery flashlight, its power is temporary. it is natural for me to return to activities that are known, to once again think thoughts that are familiar. to be constantly reminding myself to change requires an effort i coerce myself to obey a concept that no longer inspires me, the more i must trample my own loves and instincts and natural interests. nothing is gained by pushing something good beyond its season. an idea can inspire me, but it is not inspiration. i can change in spurts, but i change. each new concept leaves its residue. each idea that excites me to temporary change does in fact permanently change me, even though almost impercptibly. i will be fortunate if i ever learn, really learn, one or two lessons in my life. the implication, of course, is that there is more to come."

i think what i especially got from this today is that... you can't change all the batteries at once in your flashlight at once, or... it's alright for things to be different, its okay for me to be really sad-- but thats what i'm most afraid of being in front of people. and i didn't realize that til i left my friends i was so used to breaking down in front of every couple of weeks. that was healthy though, to have someone willing to let me express my actual feelings and work through things with people who care about me. it's hard to find those people though, or its hard to start the process, and i can't do it alone.

let me be

2006-04-04T23:13:00.000-04:00

my meditative words for the night... picture them sung on guitar beautifully.

i'm really finding ME out here. i mean... something about driving on the open highway 101 along the oregon coast, and staring up at a tree that is taller than you can imagine, and reading this compelling stuff in my poetry book about words, and hearing people talk about life based on how they feel it and know it... how people can use words to communicate something so real and devine and unifying.

i'm realizing that the more i can listen to people and take people seriously, the more i am challenged personally... because if you hear something compelling that someone tells you that changes your perspective on life... you can leave it at that, or you can really try to change something about your life.

i had lots of work to do today. i still haven't started it, and i said i'd be somewhere else right now (or 45 minutes ago). the sun was out earlier when i was planning on reading and a band came to play outside on the lawn (the 88), and they were soo awesome, i couldn't help but join the crowd of people and dance out in the field. People always warn about getting too involved in having too much fun because it will ruin your studies, or make you irresponsible, but i really want to argue that point. for me-- i have the opposite problem. it is SO easy for me to give up a good time in order to do shit that i don't enjoy doing just so i feel justified doing it. i think it's easier for a lot of people... to when there's somethign really genuinely GOOD happening, to shy away from it, or stay in their rooms, or complain about things that aren't good-- when the only thing to really DO in times when something genuinely good is happening, is to LIVE IT and enjoy it and be a part of it.

I'm telling you, I'm going to get my work done, and when the time comes when not much is happening later tonight and I have a few hours set aside, I will read and write and do my work and start researching. lol i don't know who the "you" is that i'm "telling," but i just feel like we humans limit ourselves a lot more than we have to sometimes, and that if we could just let go and let ourselves enjoy what it is we actually enjoy, then the things that are harder to do become more interesting and more worth doing (because you have other rewarding things happening in your life).

for the record-- off topic -- but part of the "me" that i'm letting myself BE tonight, I talked on the phone during dinner hours and decided to eat GOLDEN GRAHAMS for dinner instead of leaving the phone conversation to eat at the bon. Let me note that I missed dinner last night... and bought this very box of golden grahams for $6.60 at maggies (the convenience store on campus... you have to PAY for convenience) last night. I had golden grahams for dinner... golden grahams for breakfast this morning, and golden grahams againn tonight! only in college to such crazy things have to happen, you gotta make a way for yourself to eat! and this box was just sooo irresistable. chances are it will be gone by tomorrow morning.

i think the more we let ourselves be, the easier it is to let other people be. and we're all just wanting to be ourselves-- but small talk and other things we're used to just get in the way of all the real beauty that is inside of all us.

i love poetry because it really struggles to find an appropriate way of expressing human existence. all the metaphors and all of the methods used are meant to pull something out of the reader, it connects you to something bigger. the poet is just trying to see/show the world as it really is.

there is so much to LEARN and SEE and interpret and write about!!!!!!

i'm exploding with appreciation and curiousity! and the only thing that could hold me back is myself.

etymologies are fun

2006-04-03T11:39:00.000-04:00

i had a poetry assignment to look up and try to use a bunch of germanic words in a poem... i saw constant gardener this week, put that together and here's what i got

first here are the words and their root meaning

Anglo-Saxon Etymology:

Window - From the Anglo-Saxon "vindr" eage," meaning the "wind's eye."

German Etymologies:

Rich - In Old French, "riche" meant "powerful"; it came to mean wealthy only by semantic extension. Originally from the German, Reich.

Bread – food

Sorrow – care

to be Sorry- physical/mental pain

Sate, satiate, satisfy – enough

Enough

My eyes open to a closed window.
The wind that connects my breath with yours
Is cut off by this glass.

I am not sorry for my sorrow;

I was born rich
With enough bread to satiate,

And you wait.
I see you there,
I remember your stories.
The windy seas glare violently against my eyes.

How can I care enough
To satisfy
More than just one
I,
For another
I?

what makes my life better

2006-03-22T13:13:00.000-05:00

best friends flying soo far to come visit me in Portland

letters in the mail

hugs and kisses

flowers and tall trees

phone calls

good books

music that moves me (literally or figuratively)

mix CDs

being reminded of my dream

believing in myself

having friends/family believe in me

adventures

leaving time open for new people/places/options

peace rally in portland

portland... in general

independent artists

crying for reasons other than sadness

holding hands

encouragement

feeling thankful

being in the sun

playing guitar/ transforming my thought processes and emotions into sounds

trying new things

being understood

taking walks in the dark

turning fear into motivation

genuine expression

coffee houses

the reinventing store in northeast

gardens, planting seeds

loving people (i mean loving as a verb AND an adjective)

laying in the grass

people watching - seeing so many different kinds of people

giving food away to people on the streets

talking to strangers

smiling

eye contact

the motivation to find out who i am... all of who i am, that won't really end til i'm dead, and after that there will be plenty of time for other people to find out who i am through all the poems and songs i've left behind.

rachael for helping me do what really matters in my life, change bad habits.

sharing the highs and the lows of friends/with friends.

knowing that my upbringing was fantastic

seeing people with genuine good-hearted faith

telling the truth

listening to people

having a list this long about what makes my life better

having hope in the future.

birthday weekend = life changing

2006-03-13T01:43:00.000-05:00

so it's not the most extravagant story ever, but this weekend has certainly been one full of (as one of the birthday wishes i received suggested) "laughter and relfection," both are equally important in my life! i went to hood river with some awesome friends here who were so up for the adventure and up for having a good time that the rest of the weekend flowed so well, i had such a great time, and i got a whole weekend to just be ME. i think i was beginning to get overwhelmed with how many people i interact with every day at school. organizing shows at the co-op, going to classes, playing music, eating dinner at the bon, pretty much everywhere there are people i know at this school. its great! but its also overwhelming-- in a great way.

i think what i've really started to learn this weekend is that i cannot be afraid of how great my life is, or can potentially be. i can't put myself down, or dismiss my creative urges, or neglect my affectionate nature, or stop myself from having good experiences. lately i've just been overwhelmed with the results of all my little excursions. last weekend it was going downtown by myself and talking to a complete stranger for a while, and really connecting about life. during the week i saw the shows i organized fall together as people poured in the doors of the co-op for the seth horan show, leaving with smiles on their faces and (some) with CDs in their hands. it gave me hope that my events really are making a difference on campus, and that i can bring people i enjoy and share them with the rest of my community and it pays off. not financially, but emotionally and intellectually, to be organizing these shows. then it snowed in portland, and that whole night was just amazing, to venture out and go crazy and play in the snow without any worries, and stay up talking til 430 in the morning.

friday i got overwhelmed and cried some in my room, it was good because laura came and talked to me for a while... or i should say, i talked to her for a while, and she listened and gave me cool books to look through!

and saturday-- my birthday-- was so much fun. me and 5 friends took the bus to hood river and got a ride across the bridge into bingen washington to stay at a hostel, go hiking, and walk around this tiny town and talk to random ppl... and cook dinnter, and meet people, and chill out. i really loved how my mind was just staying focused on the present moment, all weekend. and we were all just filled with curiosity about this tiny beautiful town on the river. we took a million pictures and laughed about random things and really got to know eachother lots better. ALSO my friends are awesome, and made me sweet happy birthday posters with personal notes from lots of ppl in my dorm, they put it on the bottom of the top bunk that was above me, so i saw it right before i went to bed, and it was so wonderful. people had the nicest things to write down.

i've just been wanting to cry so much when i think about how great life is. and how much i love people and beauty and music. and how much i have to look forward to. it's really incredible. i'm really thankful and amazed. and it will only get better from here (not WORSE, as i so often would believe when things were going well... like in my song spectacular-- "its got to be TOO good, to ever be true), but this weekend WAS TOO GOOD and it WAS TRUE, and i can live good experiences without having to expect bad ones to follow. that's something i'm working on, having more faith in these positive experiences and that i can keep them going. ahh, things are just so good right now! i'm ready for anything!

now-- poetry hw! peace out, and thanks for sending birthday wishes from afar, i felt a lot of love this weekend from all over the place.

jodi

oh college, i love you.

2006-03-09T14:16:00.000-05:00

i wrote this in part of email to my parents which sums up a really cool talk i heard last night. the most AMAZING speaker ever. read away:

what's the weather like??? i suppose i'm asking because by some strange arranging of the gods ITS SNOWING IN PORTLAND!!! it all started late last night, and around midnight it started accumulating -- huge huge snowflakes about 1-2 inches wide, just pouring down all over. people had never seen snow before at my school and were freaking out. soon enough we had about 2 inches and a huge snowball fight! everyone started waking people up to see, and you could hear people screaming all over campus in amazement!! i didn't hear ANYONE talk about the possibility of snow, my campus is so beautiful. classes start at 12pm today due to snow. who would have thought??

my birthday is this weekend and i'm going to the columbia river gorge area, you guys may have been there...?? hood river area, i found a hostel, i'm going with like 7 other people, we're all going to take a bus, go hiking, see waterfalls, and sleep in a hostel. i'm super excited! it's been an amazing week. i played a show two nights ago in the co-op. and last night a
transgendered, now woman, in her 60's came to speak to us-- it was INCREDIBLE. one of the best speeches/speakers i've ever seen. she's an actress too, and she was just hilarious, and captivating and really REAL. she grew up male, and slowly got the changes to become female. she loved talking about sex, how she's had sex as a male and a female, and experienced all the different hormonal shifts with both sexes. she talked about her struggles in life, never feeling like she looked good, she was anorexic for a while. she grew up in the church of scientology which she said "is more embarrassing to admit than the fact that i'm transexual!" in a joking way. and she had a daughter, i suppose when she was male, who grew up in the church of scientology who isn't allowed to talk to her or come into contact with her.

she's written books and plays... but she talked a lot about identity-- how do you identify a person like her? is she an author? is she a female? is she a male? is she both? is she neither? are we the audience? she was asking the audience to think about lots of questions... like what type of person we're attracted to, and how we feel about our bodies. it was just really healthy to hear what she was saying. basically that it's okay to do whatever we want sexually, as long as both people are on the same page, and it's safe, and you're kind. and i mean... i haven't had sex, or anything close to it. but growing up knowing that i'm not supposed to for a long time has made me sort of fearful of it. and i don't think about my body in a sexual way very often at all.

call me crazy, but i think she carried some of the message of jesus. she talked about how she needed to find a god that loved her for who she was. i thought that was so huge! my friend told me she's bisexual, just last week--sort of threw me off, i had no idea. but now we've been talking about it, and she loves church, and lots and lots of people in the church say "homosexuality is a constant sin, but god forgives sins." that doesn't seem like a god loving you for who you are, that sounds like a god putting up with your crappy life. and if god doesn't love me for who i am, than whats the point trying to be someone else? it doesn't work out.

and sure i think there's more to it than just being yourself, but it certainly takes being comfortable and confident in yourself and your body and your capabilities to be able to go out and live a great kind loving life using your best talents and abilities and sharing them with people.

i don't know if those views are scary or against some things you guys think.. though i don't really think they are. and i don't talk about for the sake of argument so much as for the sake of -- how powerful that message was. how 300 people gave her a standing ovation of all genders/sexualities/ages/religions. so amazing. it made me think of that story in the bible, when someone asks jesus why the blind man is blind. and jesus said, he holds the light of the world, or something like that... because being transexual = a tough life. and because of all the pain in her life she's able to speak openly and effectively about things people need to hear! like suicide prevention and being comfortable with your body, and she's written lots of books about sex as well. it was like she could relate to every person, because she's been both genders, young and old, hated herself, and loved herself. like... all of it! so much experience, so much hard experience, and therefore, such a message worth hearing.

she asked the audience how many people have ever considered suicide... she said she was going to raise her hand too, and a LOT of people raised their hands... probably 30 or 40. i was surprised they felt safe enough to do so, but then she tried to give them some hope, saying that you can use your self-destructiveness to kill PARTS of yourself that you don't like, and choose an identity that works. "if there's anything we can get from postmodernism, it's that you have lots of identities and you can choose!" i wish you guys could've seen her speak. the main message was (for me atleast) -- its okay to be who you are!

the snow is still falling! sorry for taking up so much time for you to read this... i hope you're having a lovely time spotting animals in the safari!!! i love you both!

jodi

exhale (reflect!) and get ready for more

2006-03-05T22:31:00.000-05:00

so i had the chance today to just go downtown ALONE, and it felt so great! i was in a good mood in the morning, krista and i were going to go to the bridge but we missed the shuttle, and the next shuttle would have us arriving after the service, so we decided to put on our garden clothes and plant some seeds. that in itself was pretty cool because i had forgotten all about that whole process of life that is everywhere around us (especially in this lucious green area of oregon), this PLANT LIFE and plant GROWTH and how this tiny seed will turn into a head of lettuce you can chop up and make salad out of. more interesting than that... the soil that seed is in was composted and made out of things like, paper, coffee, hair, pretty much anything! all this dead stuff decomposing and filled with worms and bugs is what a little tiny seed needs to start its beautiful green life.

so after gardening, we went to brunch... ate a lot, stole a chocolate chip bagel (my favorite!) which came in handy later, and came back to my room, checking the shuttle schedule, 40 minutes til the next shuttle. then i paid my BLOG a visit... i clicked on the month of october 2004. rachael had told me how she read through her blog and i realized that i really havent! and there's so much cooool stuff i thought about in highschool. just reading it made it CLEAR that i MUST stop reading in time to get on the shuttle to go downtown. it was reaffirming to read these previous times that i would write about, and notice that my mind has always been THINKING a lot, and sitting around in places where it's not thinking new things is not making the most of my self and my brain. so i LEFT! with no plan in mind. except i looked up where stumptown coffee was... because i've always heard a lot about it. so i walked towards it... and passed by it.. because it didn't look like where i wanted to be.

and ever since last weekend i've really wanted to sit down and listen to someone, a stranger, a homeless person, somebody that had something possibly worthwhile to hear that i just wasn't taking the time to hear in all my other days. soo, i found this place called "backspace" that todd fadel had told me about. i walked in, and it was really cool, a few couches near the windows, lots of space, and then this whole other room with video games and computer games or something, and some other rooms in the back and pool tables. there was no where to sit except on a big couch with this guy. so i asked if i could sit down.. he says sure. he's probably in his late 30's or early 40's, moved his stuff, was being really considerate. and just started talking to me. i guess we started talking about this place, and how he liked it because lots of different peopel come here, and he likes all different types of people. so i sat there, asked a few questions, and before i know it, i'm hearing bits of his life story. he grew up in nevada, but really didn't like it there, he decides to go to portland... and for the first three months he couldn't find jobs, didn't have a place to stay, was living on the streets. i asked if he was friends with other ppl on the streets and he sort of shook his head. he said he hung out with a few other guys because he felt safe around them, but they weren't making good decisions with their life. he never asked for money on the street... instead he went to find places to take showers and wash his clothes and set up as many job interviews as he could. after three months of struggling with that he got an apartment.

now he works 3 jobs, and lives in this appartment, and owns a tv and lots of clothes. he tries to save money to go on little trips. he was a very hardworking interesting person! i asked him what happened to his friends on the street, he said they're still there... they don't want to work, they don't want to try, all they do is drink. he was saying not to just give people money on the street. i was explaining how i want to acknowledge people on the street, but not necessarily give them money. i dont know, just to like acknowledge that they are a human being and they are alive, i think that means something, and its important to do.

anyway, my talk with him was so perfect, came at just the right time, taught me some things about hard work, and the world outside of having someone else to help pay for things. and how people so different can still relate to trying to take action to make life better for yourself. no amount of handouts will make you feel better about your life, you have to choose to make it better.

he left to go to his job... he wants to be a soup chef, but was going in to do dishwashing for someone who called in sick. "it's what you gotta do sometimes to show you're a reliable worker." i passed no judgments about this guy, i was just really happy to have such a nice conversation with actual substance to it. we all have such interesting lives and i feel like they are put aside or held back in order to hold up this "cool" appearance, some generic socially acceptable life... not like that's how it has to be, but thats how it feels a lot of the time, and it's so much BETTER to speak from your heart and talk about your experiences and not say what you think will be popular or acceptable, but to say something that is uniquely yours, that you can stand behind.

i wrote in my journal for pages and pages, i didn't check the time for a while. i did my music theory homework because i sort of like writing 4 part chorales, they are like a puzzle. and then... i worked on memorizing a robert frost poem for poetry class. i really love my classes here, they are really good classes, i'm glad i'm memorizing this poem. i'm glad i'm able to go into the city and sit down at a place like backspace and have a conversation with a complete stranger, and not feel attached or expected to be any other way than i am. i fell asleep uncontrollably on the shuttle back to campus, i kept just drifting into dreams and before ik now it my mouths wide open and my head is back and i'm still on a bus, jolting my head back up. i took a nap in my bed, a really short nap, just to get all that sleepiness out of me, and after that, i had a fresh energy inside. like anything i was about to do would be okay, and that i have so much ability inside of myself... and i love to LAUGH at dinner and hear stories and tell stories, and tell strange and horrible jokes that pop into my head. i love accepting peoples weird quirks and seeing all the differences of individuals come out to make an awesome group interaction. i love walking down the street alone and not expecting a damn thing from the world around me, and knowing that i have enough, and that the peopel around me are enough, and the city of portland is enough "the world owes me nothing" (ani difranco)... "and we owe eachother the world."

there's an awesome hugh prather quote that i want to share with you from a book i found at a used book store this week. (YES! for those kinds of experiences... when things fall into place! like today, and like thursday when krista and i rode bikes to sellwood and i found this book at a used book store, it's called "notes on love and courage"

here's the line i though of while walking back from backspace/powell's (i stopped at powell's, my dads book were on the display shelf-- 2 of them! weirdness, but very very cool). and when i thought of this line i just wanted to CRY because it's so beautiful and true, and it made every person that walked or drove past me seem so incredible and important.

"Are there any wholly useless encounters? I know this: there are no insignificant people. There is no one who isn't supposed to be there." - hugh prather

i don't know what the end conclusion is, or if there ever is an end conclusion as long as we're still living, but i do know that i am so thankful for this afternoon to myself, and for a conversation with a stranger, and a dinner full of laughter. and the ongoing assurance that who i am is most important to what i do... and those things put together are GREAT, no matter who knows or acknowledges it, i must know that its great! i'm so great. i neeeded today. thank gooodness. alright i'm going to go to south campus with laura to see the dafodils. :) go do something awesome--

jo

I'M RICH!!!

2006-02-20T12:26:00.000-05:00

well alright, so i haven't won the lottery, or discovered oil while digging my back yard, or invented the next necessary household appliance, or sold my parents howard county house--- but LORD have I got things so much better than all of that impersonal gain. This weekend, I lived the LIFE. And it was sort of just given to me, after I took one big step, the rest fell into place, and while trying to give someone else the best gift I could, I was given back so much from the most unexpected places. sounds like a movie or something, right? i can't believe how great this weekend has been.

it all starts with Rachael Maddox's BIRTHDAY which happened to fall on a friday this year, making it possible to for me to show up and spend the weekend together with the purchase of a plane ticket. but not any usual person hops on a plane across the country to visit home for a couple of days, i mean.. there are plenty of reasons NOT to go home on a weekend to surprise your best friend for her birthday-- but i just couldn't think of any! or atleast not any that actually were more important to me. so purchase the plane ticket i did (with the encouragement of jen lemen), bank account took a little $220 hit, and for three weeks i had to keep my mouth shut about this trip i knew i was going to take, to insure the sucess of the surprise.

--skip ahead three weeks-- 3:30 AM thursday morning my alarm goes off for the start of a long trip home. 4am my cab arrives to pick me up with guitar and suitcase in hand and the cab driver loves that i play guitar. in a 15 minute drive i tell him my story as a musician and he tells me his, which ends with a divorce and him running away from his old life by being a cab driver (he stopped playing music when he got married), and so i was inspired by his honesty and gave him a cd, and told him to start playing music again if its what he loves... and he only charged me 10 bucks for the cab ride. pretty awesome start to the day. then kathleen and i talked while i rode the max to the airport about how excited we were to surprise rachael and hang out at home together. steph beach picked me up from the airport and her parents cooked me a steak! soo delicious, i hadn't eaten much that day so it was especially delicious. sleeping at kathleen's was wonderful as usual, i discovered the best tea for sore throats -- throat coat, it was made for me, definitely hit the spot.

FRIDAY, rachael's birthday! i'm wanting so bad to just call and say HAPPY BIRTHDAY but i can't because i'm waiting til her class gets out at 2:45pm to surprise her in her dorm room that day. that was the plan... it almost got ruined when we arrived a bit early with decorations in hand to marylands campus... i was in disguise (brians zip-up generic green hoody), and kathleen and brian were walking with me-- all the sudden, kathleen spots RACHAEL! red alert! i saw her out of the corner of my eye and i turned around and walked away, pretending to be some random umd student. by some miracle, it worked, she didn't see me and she stopped to talk to kathleen and brian. i didn't turn around until i went behind some building (had no clue where i was), and called mike to come find me. then i watched jake do improv which was incredible! kathleen and brian caught up with me and then we went to set up rach's room... and while she knew a decorated room was coming, she had no idea i was behind the door... the surprise was fantastic, though a little scary because she basically went into shock and was about to fall over! hanging out in her room was the best.. lounging, talking, listening, playing songs and dancing. then out to dinner with her family, they paid for a bunch of us to eat at one of my favorite restaurants in little italy (amicci's) which was so sweet!

this is getting lengthy... friday night- slept at rach's, played the song i wrote for her, gave her laura's beautiful necklace, we both cried, or maybe just rach cried, it took me til saturday night to cry. it was nice to sit and talk and be close.

saturday-- house concert day! emailing people, buying groceries... kathleen comes over with more tea for me and punch for the party, and cheese and crackers and snacks! couldn't be happier, she even got firewood! rachael brings a salad over as i'm taking her birthday cake out of the oven. with kathleen rach and brian's help we transformed my living room and kitchen into a cozy concert venue with fire, and a kitchen/dance floor. everything was ready, so what if i said it would be ready at 7pm, and it took til about 8pm-- i'm the one that set it up, so there was no one above me to get upset that it didn't start "on time." the beauty of stress-free. food was delicious, i must say. and so was the birthday cake with icecream. i especially enjoyed jake adding green food coloring to his white mint chocolate chip icecream! he insisted. I had my guitar case open at the front and rach made a beautiful sign requesting that people leave $5 in the case.

i sang for hours and hours, and people sat and listened-- i was amazed the entire time that such a night was possible, but just kept singing through all the shock and gratitude. we had a few sing-a-longs and by the end of the night we were laying around talking as people slowly filed out. brett kathleen rach and i sat at the dinner table and talked about our lives, i'm so thankful for those people. and i counted the money... 138 dollars. when i added that to the $40 brian so generously gave, the $20 kathleen's mom pitched in because she couldn't make the show, and the $30 i got from CD sales at pepperjacks-- the grand total was $228 (remember the plane ticket cost $220) -- what a miracle!

then i got to stay up til 6 30 am talking, crying, and laughing til my stomach hurt with my two best girl friends in the world.

so when i say i'm rich... i really do feel rich! the experience of my life literally paid back, or paid off, or whatever the saying is. i have this gift of myself, and my music and my ears and my conversation (and in the case of this weekend: my cooking, my friends company, my friends' jewelry, my house...) i have these gifts to give wherever it is that i go, and i learned that starting with that bit of positivity and potential, giving what i do have, it just multiplies and feeds off itself and grows and reaches other people and creates community. so be RICH in your life by giving what you have. give it a shot! i'm so glad i did.

not so changed

2006-02-13T19:40:00.000-05:00

i think before i came to college i had this notion that everything about me would change. i'd discover who i really was and it would freak me out and i'd go with it into the dark corners of my thoughts and desires and hopes and fears and sort it all out. like where i grew up didn't count because i wasn't on my own, or because my dad was a pastor so i grew up going to church... that ever since growing up i was sort of the effect of this environment around me, so once i go so far across the country, by myself, without anyone who knows me, all that stuff that brought me here would slowly vanish and be replaced with new thoughts, new beliefs, a new Jodi McLaren.

I'm sitting here doing some research about buddhism for a potential paper topic about freedom as defined in buddhism (and christianity, if i can fit both). it's a philosophy class so we're trying look at how different situations/groups define freedom. i found it interesting in the book sidhartha that he gets frustrated with this whole doctrine of escaping from yourself, and rejecting yourself in order to obtain this higher knowledge that is above you and your desires. this whole idea of escapism and getting away from yourself is really interesting, why would we be teaching this in our religions? why do we want to escape from ourselves? doesn't who we are count for anything?

i was in poetry class today and we read through this cheesy poem my teacher found on the internet using the metaphor of a merry-go-round being like life. and how everything is spinning around and life is so busy, but when you pray to God, you feel relief and thing's are still the same way as they were but you feel better... and then we read another poem by Tilke titled merry-go-round that described this carousel scene and just tried to illuminate it's nature... and one thing my teacher said that hit me was a word of advice: "let the object be itself first" before you develop some type of symbolism. I guess the feeling was that the first poem sort of USED this merry-go-round to convey an already developed message. whereas the other poem was able to have a message through it's description of the object itself.

i mean... if you think about your impressions of other people as your own personal poetry, it's interesting then too, to let people be themselves before you try to develop a message. there seems to already be a message somewhere in the complexities of our world.

i'm still the same person out here. i still get stuck thinking about these big ideas and i still struggle, and i still think struggling is so important. and i still love to laugh, and i still love to write music. and i'm really thankful for my upbringing, i wouldn't change a thing. how could i dare hope to change my past when this present moment holds so much fullness? it doesn't really make sense to me to want anything to go differently than it already has. it's nice to read a lot and listen a lot right now, i'm just taking it all in.

with love to those of you who thought to check back at this abandoned blog,

jo

take what you can get

2006-01-24T15:06:00.000-05:00

i'm quite mixed up at this point with what certain friendships mean here, esp compared to friendships back home, and hten what those friendships back home mean now... but i'm really taking the time to figure all of those things out. friendships at home are still so great and challenging and growth-inducing, i learn so much from my friends and my interactions with them and analyzing how we deal with things.

lately i'm just taking what i can get-- loving any great conversation i have here on campus, eating choc. chip pancakes with kat and whitney for breakfast, drumming on an african drum, strumming my guitar, listening to david wilcox & others, smoking hooka, dancing, crying... okay so all of those aren't really "taking" but they sort of are.. i mean even crying.. most of the time i ended up crying with someone else present either in person or on the phone.. so i'm taking their attention and their concern and their love.

and what goes with that is giving what i can give. which sometimes is a huge amount, and sometimes isn't much more than a quick email or a wave while walking by. i don't know, but i'm really just soaking up all the love i can right now because transitioning is confusing and emotional. lots of that is personal stuff i have to work through, and thats cool too, i'll take all the lessons i can learn right in, and all the hard times, and all the times i have to just cry even before i know all the particular reasons why or have the ability to articulate it well (i guess thats PART of crying sometimes-- not understanding things yet).

alrightt, i wonder if anyone from LC reads this, or if i want ppl to? hopefully you're TAKE-ing something from this blog, whoever you are. maybe you're not, maybe i'm getting all the gain from saying what i feel is worthwhile in my life. who knowss.. take it easy,

jo

a good thing

2006-01-23T18:12:00.000-05:00

i was feeling so disconnected as of yesterday... and then i sent an email to a bunch of people i haven't heard from who i love and care about just to ask them to inform me on whats going on in their life, and it has been so rewarding just to read through these emails full of love and encouragement and HONESTY.

it reminds me that the relationships you build don't just disappear... sure you lose touch sometimes, but people you really connect with in your life will always be there to connect with. none of the love or attention you give ever goes to waste. same with the love and attention other people give to you-- it surely doesn't go to waste, or it shouldn't go to waste, and i guess thats what saying thank you is all about. doing all this stuff isn't easy, but its certainly necessary and ultimately is rewarding.

then theres the bigger challenge of not just keeping up with what you already built, but continuing to build relationships where you're at. and that's my big challenge here that is especially hard at times (opening up when not feeling happy), but every step is a good step.. a step towards progress.

i'm in the student center and someones playing the radio and "i'll be missing you" by puff daddy came on... and everytime i hear this song i go back to being in the twins grandmothers attic singing it when it came on the radio.. knowing all the words. so weird how songs can do that. i love it.

a good life is an honest one, a hard one. i'm growing lots right now i can feel it.

where to begin?

2006-01-22T15:38:00.000-05:00

i'm on the west coast now, living in platt west, facing north, toward mount hood.... cardinal directions- who needs em! i kind of feel like i'm in a lot of places. or maybe i wish i could be in more places than i am. since the phone and internet are down in my room, i've been super restricted on when and how i can get in touch with people i love! which means people i love certainly can't get in touch with ME very easily. that makes me sad a lot, for both reasons-- i want to talk to people i love, and i want them to be able to talk to me! so i'm now on the search for a new cell phone company, sprint pcs-- you're letting me down on palatine hill.

i keep being amazed at how cool it is to be in college. how there are atleast 10 awesome people to hang out with at any given moment that are within walking distance, and lots of ways to have fun from there. some things to take advantage of at school -- open swim on weeknights, the plattaeu (dance parties?), and the city!

i still need time to wind down, the rainy weather has been fitting. yesterday i had a very relaxing day, i like when studying is sort of progressive and not crammed into 2 hours of stress. so i'm learning all my music theory... slowly but surely, flashcard after flashcard.

i miss people a lot right now. what to do...

i had a dream the other night that i died from a tornado that was right behind the car, it picked us up (my brother and 2 friends.. can't remember who in the backseat). i knew we were probably going to die in the dream, and so i screamed the last words "i love you guys!" and then crash... and then i blurrily woke up to quiet rummaging from people in the hall, and tried to figure out what would happen next in that dream, or if i could re-dream it and somehow survive. that doesn't ever work though (replaying dreams differently). sort of like life doesn't work like that. (oh metaphors...)

i guess if i were to die right now that would be my last words- I LOVE YOU GUYS! that's the most wisdom i have to share, that's where i'm at in my college-student life... learning a lot of things in class, but all that ever seems to stick is the love. it's an amazing feat, to love... i'll always have a lot to learn when it comes to loving. what was the name of my dads first album.. learning how to love? something like that...

oooh, death cab for cutie transatlantacism cd just started playing in the coffee shop i'm in. this cd is alll about missing people! i think i'm going to try to find a phone, get connected, and then get some work done.

in communcation class our professor was saying how the english language is very "action" oriented. like... the fact that our sentences need verbs in order to be sentences, in order to speak you have to be using an ACTION. we've always got to be dooing something. just knowing that not ever culture is like that intrigues me. what is left outside of all the verbs? there's lots... i like my school a lot. adios personas,

jodi

so MUCH

2006-01-10T14:04:00.000-05:00

man.. it has been sooo good listening to david wilcox's "live songs and stories" album! i am just empathizing with him talking about song-writing and loving people and working through things, all his ideas and his songs are just hitting home, that CD is worth buying, it's like 11.99 on itunes for 20 tracks, and if it doesn't change SOMEthing if your life or make you think differently about something, well then i'd love to talk about it some more because it's just great! he's like the wise, successful, older, male version of me.

i am so thankful for the friendships i have, it is insane how much i grow from just listening to my friends talk. it's like in wilcox's song "good together" when he says--

"would you please explain it one more time,
i like the wild surprise of seeing through your eyes"

he explains the whole process of thinking your right when you're in an argument.. and then you listen to the other side and it makes SO much sense, you forget what you were even trying to argue. and in that way the relationship is like this line--

"i know you're good for me, you spin me off my tether,
you change me for the better, we're good together."

so i'm really working on things for myself, and my friends, and it's lots of work... and i mess up when i'm trying to help, but then i learn, and it's worth it. it's always worth it to try to do what you think is right, and if you find out its wrong, then well, you learn something. this life isn't about playing it safe, it's about helping people out, and using your talents to do something good in this world. then sometimes you give too much in places that are draining and get let down (me with guy relationships recently), and you have to take some steps back and protect your heart a little more. but once you're better, you always have to love again. i know from the love my friends have given to me that it can change my heart (especially you, rach, and whenever you guys read this-- thank you so much, every word has made an impact on me).

and for everyone else who may be reading, good relationships are very possible, but it starts with what you can give and it takes a lot of work (relationships being great friendships, and/or great relationships). my parents keep saying how i have such good friends, and i know they are the most amazing ppl i know, but the reason the friendships are good is because of the time thats put in and being able to listen. so going to college changes everything about the time aspect of the friendships, and thats why it's hard to get back home after not being around for eachother nearly as much, and just wanting to jump in and figure out whats going on on those deeper levels, and realizing all our deeper things going on are so very different. so any assumptions i make about the friendship usually proves to be false, so i'm constantly having these-

ooooh! moments, THAAT's what you're saying, THAT's whats going on, and it's like YES, i've only said it 20 times in a bunch of different ways! and then something changes.

here i am thinking that this break there's not a lot going on- i don't have a job, i don't have school work, i can stay up late and sleep in, i dont have a curfew. when there's always so much going on when you have a heart like this. my mom was explaining it to me about how NF's are able to feel incredible levels of sadness, but the return is that you can find so much joy in the littlest things in life, so it's a trade off, and most people will say they wouldn't trade the bad times for the good. and i'm right there with it.

my mom and i listened to david wilcox together and she was just blown away by the way he thinks, and she said how it took her til she was 40 to learn that emotions have a purpose, they're actually there for a reason. so in those ways i feel lucky, for being so aware of these things. and sometimes that ability really weighs on me, like with the post secret exhibit where i just started to feel the pain of all those people and all those secrets, but it's alright. i'm just a very sensitive person that picks up on the struggle and the pain, and i know that i'm like that because when i feel that pain i want to DO something, i get the motivation to do anything as long as it has the potential of doing good.

i think this blog is like a friend for me... in the way that my guitar is a friend. i have a lot on my heart, and these are mediums that i can use to feel like these things on my heart are there for a reason, i have emotions for a purpose. i really want to be a songwriter, i want to tour the country, i want to fall in love with someone who's good for me, i want to help people out. i'm always going to care, its just who i am to care about things (or people) that i feel are important-- but it takes learning to accept that about me to be able to turn that caring into positive action. because sometimes i wish i didn't care and its self-defeating to wish for that. so i love when i'm able to do something positive with this caring burden. or when i see other people doing something positive with who they are. it makes all the difference. we're all at different points in our journey of accepting/figuring out who we are, and then doing something good... and we all have the capacity for lots to change inside, so we just have to go forward or go inward or go westward (to school!) or go outward (giving). my life is full because of who i am and my potential and all these chances to interact with great people and learn. i'm thankful for all of it. soo thankful. and conveniently, i need to express those thanks to people in my life. like my parents and my best friends and my new friends and my parents friends in portland. there's always someplace to go in life. you just have to trust your heart sometimes.

read minds

2006-01-05T19:52:00.000-05:00

the other day at kathleens we were looking through this book of "If" questions... "if you could have a superpower, what would it be?"

and.. not wanting to give a random answer, i said i think i'd want to read peoples minds... but i don't know because that could mess things up.

the post secret exhibit was like being granted that power... and it knocked me out! i think i have enough of my own thoughts to figure out then to even begin inside someone elses head.

"maybe this weight was a gift
like i had to see what i could lift"

- nada surf "do it again"

a night to myself

2006-01-05T00:55:00.000-05:00

after a thought-filled day in DC with friends and cousins of friends, and a visit to the Post Secret Exhibit in Georgetown (www.postsecret.blogspot.com), I came home to an empty clean house. all my siblings are back in their homes/college, dads out of town, mom was at the umd basketball game, therefore no one was in the house to make it a mess, not even my sisters dog, Kito.

I've been seeing people most of my waking moments, so an empty house felt relieving, i sang made up songs that i now have forgotten and learned "wise up" by aimee mann on guitar. i wrote in my journal about my reflections of today. it's good having a journal. it's my way of being honest with myself when i'm not sure how to communicate it to people.

i think something a friend of mine told me before i came back to md has really stuck with me... she said how she loves when life makes you feel stuck or puts something in the way you have no clue how to deal with, because then you're actually feeling something or dealing with something... even though in the moment you might not be so "thankful" for the hard time, without hard times you just kind of coast...

there are some things i could stress about...

i think when i'm around people i feel obligated to talk, even when the most appropriate thing in my mind is to be silent, so instead of being silent, i'll end up bringing up something i'm stressed about-something i barely really care about, just to talk.

so alone in my house i decided not to stress, and to just let it be okay that my head is full of a bunch of stuff thats hard to untangle and make concise. i made mac and cheese... i haven't done that in a while. i ate dark chocolate, and i wrote in my journal. i don't quite feel better yet, or i'm still a little unsettled... (of course i'm unsettled, i know i'm going back to school in a week, but i'm still here for a week... and i have no real obligations, except to read this book i haven't started, maybe the book symbolizes school, and since i'm not THERE, its hard for me to read it here). you try to just be where you are, but the past and the future are constantly blending with right now.

there is hope

2006-01-04T01:22:00.000-05:00

this blog title could take me anywhere, but it was inspired by conversations with yash, sam, trev, and kathleen tonight. i was getting upset because it seems like all the big corporations or all the politicians do a lot of dirty work to get where they are and to earn power and lots of money. so sam was able to tell me a little bit about Costco, and the guy who founded costco, and i looked up the article online. pleaase check it out, i've heard a lot of hype in portland about how much wal-mart sucks, and this is a comparison in numbers and business strategy that is really interesting. all it takes is a different approach. here's one example of there being hope-

"Besides the efficiency of its workforce, another reason Costco can afford to pay more is that it cuts the fat from executive paychecks. The overall corporate philosophy is that workers deserve a fair share of the profits they help generate — not just a pat on the back or a new job title like “associate.”

For example, while CEOs at other major corporations average 531 times the pay of their lowest-paid employees, Sinegal takes only 10 times the pay of his typical employee. His annual salary is $350,000, compared to about $5.3 million awarded to Wal-Mart’s Lee Scott."

the guy who founded costco could be taking in a LOT more money than he does... but he distributes it instead.

I also found out by reading this article that sam's club is a division of wal-mart.

i guess we were all being really critical of the way the world works, and then we realized, that we all contribute, and we have some choices, like what companies we support. it's a small way of being able to practice what you preach by following a set of values where humans are appreciated and goodness is perpetuated.

check out the article - http://www.laborresearch.org/print.php?id=391

lots to feel-- so i feel

2005-12-27T13:19:00.000-05:00

there's lots of great things going on. going home does not stunt the growth of this wonderful year. it just takes a little time to adjust and then get back in the swing of things.

i went into pepperjack's, i'll be working there again, no big deal. tasty subs for me!

staying up til 5 30 am TALKING and time just flying by with the importance of reall conversations and sharing sweet passages from books together... i can't really say whats better.

go see munich! it will make your heart ache if you let it.

there's plenty to feel on this earth, everyday, and there's so much to do in order to move someplace new or someplace old...

be sure you're doing what you need to be doing.

like with pepperjack's, at first i was thinking-- i don't want to sit around and make sandwiches all day, that is not going to be fulfilling. but then i think about it... and i can make working at pepperjack's whatever i want! you interact with lots of ppl everyday, and those interactions are priceless, and those subs i'm making are GOOD! haha, andd of course, it couldn't hurt to pick up some money while i have the time to do it. cause lord knoows college takes all your money!

i'm going to go dabble in some SARK, thanks to rachh :) it's good to be back.

ooh i'm going to leave you with a quote from a book -- (going to search through these new books)...

"allow yourself to feel rich without money." - sark

"no living think--including a relationship--can blossom in awareness when weighed down by expectations" - hugh prather

there's plenty more to enjoy in these books and others! take some time to read this break, just little bits. ah, i believe it is time for a shower and some food.

hope you're enjoying where you're at right now. and if you're not, ask what you can do differently? guess it starts when you stopp reading this. which will be now. (but thanks for checking up with my life and my thoughts!) adios, good luck tackling your day-to-day necessities, however large or small they may be.

few things i've learned

2005-12-14T23:20:00.000-05:00

the semester is over, i can't believe what a wild ride its been, i've grown a whole lot... heres a few things i've learned

- things change... even those things you think will never change

- sleep, when avoided for too long, causes sickness

- it's good to cry

- sharing hardships with people is necessary in order to build friendships

- you're never too old to build forts/dress up for halloween/play twister/sing the backstreet boys... :)

- the sun is something to be appreciated and felt, outside, no matter how cold it is.

- finals week doesn't have to suck... all you need is some indigo girls, some awesome ppl in platt west, a trip to the city, and rocking chairs on the third floor balcony of templeton.

- no matter where you are in this world, you carry who you are.

- mint chocolate chip icecream is amazing

- guys in college aren't THAT much better than guys in high school

- portland is a great city

- it is really hard to live in 2 different places. (i'm always going to be missing someone/someplace)

- i love my family so much, and don't appreciate them enough.

- everyone can give something, everyone's got something to offer.

there's so much i DON'T know. but a huge part of life is lacking things, being scared, unsure, feeling lost or guilty or stuck... if we never lacked anything, we'd never grow... we'd never know how to appreciate what we have. it's all part of being human, having these highs and lows and inbetweens. i'm sort of glad my experiences can't be explained generically. as convenient as it would be to be able to articulate every emotion/situation perfectly, sometimes we just have to get through with the sentence fragments of unfinished thoughts.

for a word from the postal service -- "everything will change, ooo." everything? yeah. scary stuff-- i think another word for it is "growth" and it sure isn't easy.

looking forward to home tomorrow,

jodi

if only in my dreams

2005-12-08T17:46:00.000-05:00

i had this dream that i had an awesome time swimming in some lake, and it was warm, and there were ppl. it was lots of fun!

:)

i keep dreaming that i'm home too!

i'll be home for christmassss (i like linking stuff in my title to stuff in my blog)

self critical

2005-12-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

i am so self critical! sooo self critical.

i've sort of beat myself up about all this ridiculous feelings i've felt this week. why did i expect so much? why was i soo idealistic and hopeful? why can't i get any work done when i'm an emotional wreck? why can't i talk to ppl when i'm really really upset and confused? why haven't i done laundry in time so i dont have to be wearing one dirty sock today? i'll spare you the rest of the things i don't especially love about myself. i think that's what this whole relationship not working out comes down to. i'd be FINE if i could just remember all the great things about myself and really feel like they matter over the approval or disapproval of any one else. that's the hardest thing to do. when you got someone sitting there admiring all these wonderful things about you and then wanting to hold onto that and take their freedom so that you can just have that support there all the time. but that's not fair really. i need to do that for myself! i don't need a cheerleader, well sure i like i having that a whole lot, but don't we all like to be praised for who we really are?

who i really am still remains... even when those words die or drift.

so i was really bitter at first and just like -- of course this didn't work out. thinking it was a mark on my character for expecting something else.

i just had a quick epiphany after zoning out after writing that sentence. i'm sitting here listening to ani difranco because she makes me feel better. and i sort of thought how there are ppl (yes.. this is a sad fact to acknowledge in my life) who don't like ani difranco, or would see my little self-therapy session right now as being a bit trite or shallow. but to that i say it's all how you see it! it's sort of like Opera Winfrey-- she's doing sooo many great things in this world and ppl still look at her as being shallow or self-fulfilling. or like i read an article in the pio log today that was the "devils advocate" against thanksgiving, saying we're just saying what we're thankful for at the dinner table so we can get on with eating the delicious food while other ppl are starving. and i read it and thought, well i do say what i'm thankful for at other times in my life, and it's a good practice to do! it is what you make it. and i guess that there will always be that devils advocate somewhere in the outside world, and really somewhere within ourselves for everything we ever decide to do. but that we have to let ourselves be justified despite that.

yes i listen to ani when i'm upset! but atleast i know how to get through being upset! it works for me.

it just takes a better understanding of our nature as humans. we're not complete-- we need things outside ourselves, and that is not a flaw. it is something to be considered, not laughed at. if what we need is to start a talk show that is meant to help other ppl and thats what we get from the outside world, i think that's an incredible way of being human.

so besides listening to ani right now, i'm happy about who i am. these are some things about myself i feel good about:

-that i can write down how i'm feeling and make music out of it. this is a huge one because it's such a part of who i am. and it's such an accomplishment to be able to work through a song that ends up being filled with meaning that someone can hear and maybe understand and feel understood. i could go on forever about this. i started writing a song yesterday.

-that i can laugh when i'm crying

-that i really do just want to LOVE.

-that i have dreams

-that i moved across the country to an amazing city without knowing anyone, and i've met a lot of great people who i love like family.

-that i might be music coordinator for the co-op and im gonna do a really good job at it.

-that despite my procrastination, i'm going to sit down and get everything done that i need to get done. (and i have to know that about myself even if no one else really does know, it's easy to forget that i can do this and i will).

-that i can sing a high G, and i know where to draw it on a staff of music. (i can read music now!)

-i'm growing.

i don't want to be so self critical anymore. and i don't have to be.

whew. and ani sings on. and my song keeps getting written. and i'll get my work done once i relax and let myself focus. yesss

the end of the song

2005-12-02T03:30:00.000-05:00

so i wrote that song spectacular.. and i cut the original one short. how it is now it ends with the phrase:

"If you ever wondered what it felt like to be a star
I meant to tell you with my kiss that you are spectacular"

but before that it was a bit longer... with another chorus that goes as follows-

"And you started to feel it
And you started to know
But it had to be too good
To ever. Be true

And I trace your steps with only words now: let you walk away.

I wanted to feel it, cause I’ve got to know, that it will be too good
And it will forever be true."

thus summing up my love life, or lack thereof. but things happen for a reason, or don't happen--for a reason. so i have the ability to befriend any male on the planet, but to take it a step further is foreign territory. its as if the idea never struck anyone that i'd want to be in a meaningful relationship. (this is a very self-centered view)

through all my religious struggles of what i believe or don't believe, it always came down to this idea that i believe in love... when i haven't the slightest idea what love really is.

danger zone

2005-12-01T17:37:00.000-05:00

for how much relationship advice i give-- i do not have much experience to back it up. but it is a dangerous place to be when you start to like someone and they like you and for whatever reason- the relationship is not possible. be it 3,000 miles or personal reasons, it becomes quite the paradox. ideally when two people like eachother they are able to start a relationship where they can trust eachother and be committed in some way to one another. there are things that trigger knowing when a relationship makes sense-- caring about eachother, being physically attracted, having an emotional pull toward one another, making eachother laugh... that sort of thing. a type of relationship that challenges you to be a better person all the time, brings out the best in you.

so when you have all of the components, its nice to really take time to see if its right or not. some would naturally say its right! and others would be more reluctant, some would walk away completely and say "not now." the thing is.. neither person can control these conditions or these reactions. and the components aren't really going anywhere. and you can wish the other person would just give in and say yeah i want this... but they won't. so its complicated.

it's like getting what you want and not what you need. (coooldplay-fix you). no matter how much i want to sit here and say its not worth it to keep myself around when its clearly not going anywhere, i'm freakin this far away and it still feels like something so close to my heart. soo i was scared of being vulnerable, now i just don't know how to get out, or if i should, or whether the fact that i should or shouldn't is going to change anything! its tough and i dont really want to give it up.

so i could say i'm mixed up, but its more that i'm not mixed up with the way that i feel, and the way that i feel isn't working out too well for my situation, and nothing is forcing me to stop feeling this way. before it was so easy to just walk away from someone who doesn't want to commit, and thenn it starts to mean something and it gets sticky. soo i don't know whats next but it doesn't feel that safe, and i'm headed there anyway.

or i could really try to stop... and let myself get really hurt right now... and just forget about it. its just hard to get hurt when he still likes me. now i'm sure there are lots of situations like this in different ppls lives, i mean thats sort of like how affairs are (there's no affair happening here), and to that its like -- yo, you can't have it all, you have to choose. so if you can't have it all, should you try to have some of it? it's been worthwhile so far. but it sounds like such a bad idea. sounds like i need to get rejected for reall before i can move on. or just take it a day at a time. i draw no conclusion-- relationships or half-assed relationships are really ridiculously dangerous, you gotta give it a shot though sometimes, because thats what ppl do who believe in things working out.

feel free to offer up words of wisdom... if not on comments, surely through email -- settle4more@gmail.com

jo

be yourself.

2005-11-27T03:07:00.000-05:00

that's a nice cliche phrase that'll grab your attention... the forever-given dating advice. it's not such a bad idea you know, to be yourself all the time. let's take dating as the prime example. why wouldn't you be yourself when dating? probably because you're trying to impress someone, and you're willing to act as someone you think they'd be impressed by rather than be yourself. you're looking for outward affirmation, and being yourself comes from within who you are no matter who's watching. so the main competetor with "being yourself" is being accepted by others. now of course there are times when you are yourself and someone is impressed by who you are, whether its in dating or in friendship. but because of all the initial complication of who we are when we're trying to impress ppl (which i don't see as a bad thing--if we weren't trying to impress ppl, would we ever reach out at all?)... it's hard to know what being yourself even means. naturally we're inclined to be self-conscious around new people, theres a lot of easy ways to get lost in who we're not in order to ultimately find who we are.

as i sit in my bed at home and reflect over the past 3 months, and the past weekend here, i have felt much more myself and much more comfortable being myself than i ever knew i could feel. there's ppl from my high school (who i dont know very well) who i used to feel uncomfortable around who i would sort of act differently towards, or feel isolated around-- but this weekend its as if all those boundaries of popularity or differences had melted away. i have a lot of experiences under my belt that i can talk about that mean something to me (this whole college experience in portland), and i'm comfortable with who i'm becoming.

i still have that natural inclination to want to impress people who i think are great. but there's no bitterness anymore in being who i am. the more i create and accept who i am, the more other ppl will be able to atleast get a clear view of me to know how they feel towards me...

i was having a conversation the other day with leana about how when ppl do things they are passionate about that spring from who they are, other ppl benefit so much from that, other ppl are actually impacted. and the opposite is true as well (with teaching and other things). i think we ended up saying-- who ELSE is gonna be you? there's no one like you on this earth, so you had better be yourself and do something you're passionate about.

i've been thankful for so much this thanksgiving-- for the ppl who've filled my heart and helped me discover my identity, for the countless experiences that have challenged me, for nights in the arms of a beautiful guy, for growth and feeling like i've come a long way to a better place... and that i'm not done "getting" to that "better place" that can only get better and sweeter and more full of life the more i live and experience life as me. with all my preferences, dreams, passions, inspirations, and joy. thats what i'm here to do.

quick library thought

2005-11-19T18:14:00.000-05:00

i'm in the "no-talking" section of the library working on a paper... which is good because it's saturday and i'm trying not to procrastinate. but of course my thoughts wander! this guy behind me just said "three" out loud, and that was all. maybe it's because i'm tired, but it totally made me think of people being asleep in a room... and when you're sleeping you're quiet, nobody is talking, unless someone talks in their sleep... and then its always really strange when ppl talk in their sleep because they've obviously been dreaming about something and that one word makes a lot of sense in the context of the dream, but you can only wonder at hearing that spoken blob of words what/who/when it's really about. well-- i'll be going back to sleep now in my library dream of writing english papers.

clarity!

2005-11-13T17:24:00.000-05:00

everything happens for a reason. things that i discovered today:

i'm in a good place

growing up is necessary, and really good

i have such a purpose on this earth and i need to wake up every morning with that in mind

kelly bean is an INFP, and she's an adult! (they exist, and are cool!)

we're smarter than we think we are.

God approves my journey.

i'm going to learn italian and go to italy

i am where i am for a reason

it's so good to TALK about what i'm feeling (esp. talking to rach and kathleen)

IT TAKES TIME! (damnit.!)

it's an answer if you want it to be an answer.

LOVE changes everything.

there are things happening that are above me that work in my favor.

i have to choose to follow what i'm about HERE (which includes figuring out what i'm about)

HERE where no one knows what i WAS about... i need to define what i am about.

i knew all of this before i ever got here (that it would be hard)... i forget that so often! its supposed to be hard, remember! its not weird or abnormal. its quite the opposite.

i'm grateful for the people in my life. (credits... brittany ouchida, kelly bean, ashley, rachael, kathleen, cleaning little kids bikes last night, deborah loyd, jen lemen) -- lol that is my citation because not all those thoughts are mine (yes the mark of a true college student... footnotes), okay cool. i need to study. peace

jodi

non fiction and truman capote

2005-11-13T03:21:00.000-05:00

i just saw Capote today... really great movie, i recommend it. supposedly truman capote introduced the non-fiction novel with his novel "in cold blood" written about a murder that took place in kansas. capote researched how the town was affected and befriended the criminals who committed the crime, and ended up with such a compelling story because of the truth he was able to uncover in his conversations with the criminals.

the thing is... like non-fiction, or real life, or movies based on real life-- humans aren't ALL hero, they fall short, they're not perfect. like capote could've worked harder to keep his friends from facing the death sentence, but he sort of gives up on them.

i just felt so affected by this movie, because there's always so much we "could've done" in life. and there are ways to verbally justify yourself and say... i did all i could, but thats rarely ever the case. sometimes we give up, or fall short of whatever "hero" we hope ourselves to be. and those sorts of decisions can result in letting other ppl down.. which sucks! letting ppl you love down.

none of us are heros really. sure, sometimes we are for a certain cause in a certain time and place. but in the span of life, we're not one big building happy ending of some secure above-average lifestyle. we're a great mix of a lot of things. pain is one affect of many that results from the crimes and the deeds. true stories really pull those emotions right out, because everyone can relate, even to the most unsuspecting ppl, the most different ppl, the most condemned ppl. so i think there's got to be a way to abdicate that pain. maybe its forgiveness of sins, maybe its crying, maybe its recreating and renewing and taking new directions in life.

change your clock

2005-11-12T11:41:00.000-05:00

thats right. the time changed like 2 weeks ago, another hour was magically inserted into our lives... no big deal right? another hour of sleep and it's dark at 6pm instead of 7pm, and life goes on. meanwhile i see two times when i look at the clock, like right now its 11:49... 2:49 east coast.

i guess i already wrote a song about missing familiar things and referring to the time differences ending it with the line "the sun is rising it's 6 o clock, your 9 o clock... i guess i know, why they say 'it takes time'--it's only time."

but i was looking further into it. the more i think in terms of east coast time, which is 3 hours ahead... it's like i'm not allowing those 3 extra hours to exist, and this magical time change was more than just a time change, it feels like a new country i'm living in. lots of immigrant authors write about moving to the united states and feeling like they were slowly being drained of their roots/of their culture and their home. and i guess i feel like there is a parallel between that struggle and the struggle of becoming more of an adult. maybe becoming an adult doesn't mean anything and i can continue to live my curious life and not have to "knuckle down" and not have to be strong. but regardless, i have this feeling of loss.

if i think of where i grew up and all my past experiences as all parts of a fabric that i wore that people had some recollection of when they saw it, because they'd been there for my experiences... then moving here was like having that cloth removed. or blindly viewed at best.

so i'm just feeling all of that these past couple of days. but i've talked to some people about it; there's a lot of ppl i really love out here. it's not really a here v.s. there comparison i'm trying to make. because with the open choice i'd stay here without a doubt.

i just got handed 3 hours and i didn't know what to do with it. the time changed 2 weeks ago and we slept another hour at the sake of some day light in the late afternoon. it's a trade off-- and you can't get time back. sometimes i wonder who i'm most connected with and wonder how the balance got so fucked up. how best friends went from getting 7 days of my time in a week to a few hours. and how family went from having brief daily conversations to having brief weekly conversations. more time on the phone wouldn't really solve the struggle, wouldn't erase this gap in time and space. i suppose it'll take something else-- something new. everything is so new! sheesh. and i love the newness too.

sex, marriage, DH Lawrence

2005-11-03T12:18:00.000-05:00

hey people,

so i just read Lady Chatterley's Lover by DH Lawrence, and we've been discussing it in my Love and the Novel class, and I just think it's such a great book. DH Lawrence basically creates this whole story about rejecting society or whats not so great about society (materialism, wealth, meaninglessness) and a lot of how he sees people being liberated is through sex.. but not just any sex-- he distinguishes what is "conterfeit sex" and meaningful sex. so i was reading the afterward written by DH Lawrence about his book this morning and i just had this great respect for what he was writing. he had this striking metaphor about love today, and how it's disconnected from the universe...

"Oh what a catastrophe, what a maiming of love when it was made a personal, merely personal feeling, taken away from the rising and the setting of the sun, and cut off from the magic connection of the solstice and the equinox! This is what is the matter with us. We are bleeding at the roots, because we are cut off from the earth and sun and stars, and love is a grinning mockery, becuase, poor blossom, we plucked it from its stem on the tree of Life, and expected it to keep on blooming in our civilised vase on the table"

i really just recommend that ppl read the book, or atleast read the "a propos" at the end of the book, cause it'll make you think. he talks about how christianity's greatest contribution to man is the idea of marriage, but then asks: "is marriage a great help to the fulfilment of man and woman, or is it a frustration? It is a very important question indeed, and every man and woman must answer it."

he then describes marriage as being a fulfillment of the soul during life-- relating it to "saving souls" and protestantism saying if he was bent on saving his soul, he wouldn't need marriage, or if he just wanted to save other ppls souls he wouldnt need marriage, but marriage is for life, for living, not something you "post-pone till the after-death."

so i love all of this excerpt because he's really just speaking about a real kind of love that is able to fulfill, when you're not just trying to get your own personal needs or sexual pleasures individually; that life and marriage and all of it is a shared experience that can be amazing.

he's just a great writer! i mean the book was banned for its sexual content for quite some time... his response is great:

"keep your perversions if you like them--your perversions of puritanism, your perversions of smart licentiousnous, your perversions of a dirty mind. But I stick to my book and my position: Life is only bearable when the mind and the body are in harmony, and there is a natural balance between the two, and each has a natural respect for the other."

so it leaves me feeling inspired and hopeful for a meaningful relationship and experiencing life where the mind and the body work together and neither is ashamed of the other. makes me want something real rather than something rushed or forced. something natural. death cab wrote a song about it on their new cd called "soul meets body." the first verse:

"I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new"

DH Lawrence wrote "Augustine said that God created the universe new every day: and to the living, emotional soul, this is true... And the soul of man and the soul of woman is new in the same way, with the infinite delight of life and the ever-newness of life."

gotta love those NF authors, right down to the core of soul searching for meaning! literature like this makes you alive and aware, mostly out of its honesty i think.

secure?

2005-10-30T09:18:00.000-05:00

yeah, there are sooo many things to feel insecure about. and having kathleen here for the weekend i felt zero insecurity. and i kind of want to just keep living in that-- there's no good reason for being insecure really. i know i'm great, even when i certainly don't feel great for whatever reason, i somewhere DO KNOW that i'm GREAT. and if you know me, you'll know that i don't mean that in a self-centered sort of way. but more in a self-loving way... and the more i love myself and feel great and secure, the easier it's going to be for me to really give other ppl the attention and time they deserve, so as to get to knoow ppl more.

it's amazing what being around ppl you love can do. everything sort of becomes okay.

even things like the reason i'm going to stop writing this blog-- paper/presentation i've yet to finish/prepare for which is tomorrow.

as james the cashier at rite aid told me this weekend-- "happy halloweekend!" (while it's still sunday)

have a splendid halloween.

jo

whew, i made it back to my blog

2005-10-24T22:14:00.000-04:00

so it's been a long run without any blogging at all! why so long? well... I wish i had a good answer, i think i've been doing a lot of wordless growing, lots of emotions and experiences and music all feeding my soul lovely treats of nourishment. there's just so many different things to focus on it's hard to actually focus on one of them.

i realized this weekend that although parents are supposed to be the ppl who know you best, sometimes it takes extremely long explanations and answering lots and lots of questions to feel even remotely understood by my mom. the difference is expected between an NT and an NF-- thinkers just don't GET it. right, okay... so there's this amazing song i think everyone should listen to...

it's called "twice" by leo kottke and mike gordon. mmm and it was the perfect song to listen to after my eventful sunday morning in portland yesterday with my mom and one of the coolest ppl on this planet: deborah lloyd.

"when the stars up in the sky
when the lights along the street
when the tv's in the motel shine

when the fingertips are frozen
when the emtpy wind starts blowing
if they've got one,
they're all going home

we're just sitting here all by myself
you and me
nobody else but me
sometimes shadows are the only light we see

every night somebody's crying
down the alley on the cold cold ground
someones running but they'll never never flee

there's a shadow underneath the tree
someone running someone no one needs
sometimes darkness is the only light we see."

these lyrics and the somber rhythmic sound of this song is just soo amazing. seems like they're talking about homeless ppl a few times, and deborah started a church for homeless ppl, and its such a genuine place.

i guess what i've been thinking about lately, is that it would be a lie to say this weekend was perfect and wonderful, or that this semester is perfect and wonderful or that life is perfect and wonderful... not that life can't seem perfect and wonderful at times or that going to college doesn't have it's amazing perks and opportunities, or that this weekend with my parents wasn't enjoyable and fulfilling. it's just that there's more to it than that. there's bitterness, there's loneliness, there's HOMELESSNESS in the city, there's emptiness, there's frustration. it's all intertwined in the everyday's especially when everyday is packed with all these changes.

the thing that is important and healthy to do is to accept the damn changes, no matter how sucky they can feel or how much you want to ball up and cry sometimes. because eventually you'll discover something about yourself or about the world or about god or about your friends, and it'll be so worthwhile. or you'll meet someone amazing and connect to them, or you'll hear a song on a sampler CD from paste magazine and cry because it's beautiful and reflects a part of life that you've seen.

and yeah most of these "you"s are really about me. i've been feeling sort of sneaky lately... let me explain... it's like i know i have something great about me, or a lot of things great about me, but here not everyone can know about any of those things, except for when i make it known some way or another (hugs, cards, laughs, smiles, hello's, performances.. you name it), so i haven't really put on a parade of ME everywhere i go... it's a lot more sneaky, like hmm.. let me tip toe around and sometimes just go nuts with my own personality, but other times just sort of walk to class with my hands in my pockets and look around at the trees. i want other ppl to have space to be themselves around me, i want to be part of something beautiful.

i'll let ya know how it goes... though it never stops going.

tired happy

2005-10-10T19:32:00.000-04:00

i'm exhausted beyond belief, but still in the best mood. going home was great! There's no "buts" after that phrase. Going home was great. So meaningful, and seeing familiar faces on campus puts me right at home, yeah I'm starting to catch myself saying "I got home last night at 1am"

which by the way-- my flight got delayed and then had fuel problems and had to land early.. pushing my 9:10 arrival in Portland to midnight. More reason for being tired (had to wake up really early to work on papers). But like I said, I'm in a great mood. Which isn't to say "everythings fine, nothing was ever wrong" because I think while I was home I got a clear view of what was wrong all this time here. It's that I wasn't being open all the time, and at home, anything I keep to myself will certainly be detected and processed with my friends... now it's up to me to actually put myself out there and make that effort that I got used to not having to make. So that might get hard sometimes, but hard is OKAY.

Even if things are bad, it's fine... as long as they're being dealt with, because then it's going someplace new, and change is a great gift in this world that we should take advantage of more as human beings. I guess that's why I'm all the way across the country. Just taking advantage of being able to change a whole lot. I don't mean change in a way that I lose myself, though that's possible if I'm not careful, but I'm here to change into a stronger more vivid version of me, whichever way I see fit.

"So how have you been? Cause I'm always changin'"

Jazz guitar is great, and so are Major 7 chords. mmmm, I'll have to play you some of those ppl back home (MD home I mean). Yes. I love eveyone in both of my homes, thanks for making my life so meaningful.

Jo

packed

2005-10-09T08:51:00.000-04:00

I'm almost packed and ready to go after a truly meaningful time at home. Let's just say... I laughed til my stomach hurt at least twice everyday, cried everyday, and managed to do some pretty cool things on the way. I'm thinking about taking this mac to college perk to get the work I never finished, started (oops) and completed. As much as I have 9 hours on planes... I haven't slept much at ALL, so working then would be unreliable. But these are all surface things... the kind of "packed" weekend I'm talking about sort of goes beyond the time I just spent here... it's because of this time (and all the time before it leading til now) that my heart just feels so packed tight full of all kinds of love. Love that I don't know what to do with (or how to do without) when my body flies further and further away. Love that I don't know how to walk away from... but I guess I do know, since I've done it once already. And now it should be easier. Of course the walking away is temporary, thank god, haha, but okay... let me do a little awkward blog confession...

When I got really down at school I started to get this overwhelming feeling that I was going to die in the next few months, and it freaked me out a little bit... it freaked me out a lot. I eventually forgot what that feeling was like, but let me explain what feeling like you might die really soon was like: it's sort of sophocating, makes you want life so bad it hurts, makes you want to fall in love, and do everything meaningful under the sun (or the rain!), it also made me so sad for my friends and family-- wanting to see them, knowing how painful it would be if something did happen to me, made me want to do everything in my power to prevent myself from this omen that just sort of happened one day, but what's there to prevent, when there's nothing to know about the time and place it will happen. so i convinced myself i was just missing home and having a strange side effect of grieving, and eventually the feeling went away. it's weird to talk about that because no one wants to actually consider it being true (including myself). and really whats there to do about it? besides live.

so live, i did, after my successful flight home (during the flight i thought nothing about dying... really haven't thought about that feeling since it was so strong). and here i lived, rarely feeling out of place, spending quality time with people, not sleeping, diving through puddles in the rain/mud, playing guitar for lots of people packed in little dorm rooms, cuddling, drinking chai, eating italian food and chocolate truffles, sitting outside on lawn chairs on the new brick patio...

and i'll live some more at school, a lot more, with the many more hours available to build new friendships, play guitar for new ears, basque in west-coast rain for all 6 months of it, take road trips, be open with people, say what i mean, cry, and laugh til my stomach hurts.

it was good to be home. i'm SO thankful for my family and best friends. and i'm thankful for the wonderful new home happening with me on the west coast. sometimes i get scared, that i'll get too preoccupied with the things that don't matter and miss out on living the best kind of life. at home i just forget to do the things that don't matter because i'm so absorbed in the importance of every second of my life. so i'm going to finish packing my clothes, and let go of MD for a few months. MD is sort of like a dog, that i've kept on a leash, and i just need to trust that the base i created isn't going to wonder off too far without me... but it will change, and so will i.

breathe. okay. nothing to do but live. be strong. be honest. be.

slowly coming around a new corner

2005-09-26T19:18:00.000-04:00

after a night of crying myself to sleep and an exhausting showerless start to the morning without much resolved from the night before, and feeling superly tender and affected by little bits of conversations in classes reminding me of just about anything in life that i don't know how to deal with... the afternoon came, along with a long distance call to rach, and more crying, and lots and lots of breakthrough.

i find that any time i STOP during the eventfulness of life... there's a lot to SEE and a lot to feel upset about, a lot of stuff thats valid to get upset about, a lot to CRY about, all balled up, but that it doesn't end there. it's not something that needs to be avoided so as to "keep myself together," it's quite the opposite, I just have to go on right through the rain of it all. do those things that feel so HARD to do, like open up when things are bad to people i don't know so very well (because thats quite unsettling in itself), or maybe go to a counselor, since its an open venue for talking about having problems. it's healthier to openly acknowledge any inner struggle or inner pain than to feel bad for owning those emotions.

so what if i CRY like a 5 year old GIRL! i'm freaking alive and full of emotion.

the crying was sort of because of isolation or distance and feeling like part of my LIFE is missing, sort of because some other things, which i was able to talk to rach about. speaking of rach, i just feel so BLESSED for her, her personality and thoughts and who she just IS makes me so happy to be able to live and interact with her, participate in liife so gladly, even when it sucks and i can't stop crying all day.

i think part of my problem was trying to rationalize everything i was feeling... because well, it wasn't working-- rationality would've told me to stop crying and finish my hw so the rest of my week won't be stressful, but it turns out my week will be a little stressful, so what... i can deal. rationality would've told me things like-- i'm probably about to get my period, which is why i'm so emotional, that's all... but that's NOT all. no, in this life, we have other components that weigh on our decisions and how we function. part of the problem was feeling bad for feeling bad, how complicated that can be. i'm glad i have words now, because last night all i could do was feel and think up phrases. (phrases like-- 2 months! it's late! i didn't do hw! i CANT do hw! i want a home. wanting home won't make this any better, why do i want home?, how am i going to go on tour if i can't even go away to college for a month?...) so its 4:51 on a monday afternoon, and i still don't feel up to the 100 some pages i have left to read. but i'll get there. when i can. and in the mean time i won't feel guilty. alright! time to stop blogging for now, thanks for keeping up with the flood of posts!

jo

you're it.

2005-09-26T02:02:00.000-04:00

theres such a sense of adventure out here and so much going on and so many people to meet and the subtle schedule, and the huge amounts of free time, time that needs to be set aside for work that rarely is.

it's hard for me to BE here. to be fully HERE in Portland, OR. it's such an opportunity, theres so many great things to get involved with... it sort of starts to feel like a big crazy game of emotional tag, and i just want to touch home base so i can stop running for a while.

so if home base is laurel MD, then whats a girl to do until thanksgiving? something tells me letters in the mail won't be able to fix the gap of 3,000 miles. i want to give a lot to this place, it just takes... i dont know what-- adjusting, and figuring out what would make this place more of a "home base."

direction

2005-09-24T03:15:00.000-04:00

after close to 3 hours of watching sex and the city in roxannes room on a wonderful futon and with good company, i started missing home. at the time, if someone had asked about it and sincerely wanted to know, i'm sure i would've just started crying and don't know if i would've been able to stop for a long time... instead i made little jokes to pass the occasional silences and suggested that we take a walk around campus.

i think the combination of wanting to cry because i miss people and then not feeling comfortable crying around people creates a crappy sort of tension... one that's not easily dissolved. but i didnt give up, i didnt want to be depressed in my room, i half-wanted to call my friends back home and cry to them, and out of all that weirdness i went to the third floor where andrew was listening to records and reading a book and decided to start making art in the lounge.

a little piece of advice jen gave me-- whenever i'm feeling down or a lot of things at once, it means that i need to do art or make music. so that i did! and it was the perfect thing to do. because through art i can get all that stuff out in an honest way that gives (to other ppl).

its funny how missing people works... because the sadness is almost like that kind of sadness when someone dies.. that you won't be able to see them or something. but the reality isn't nearly as permanent. one thing is for sure, you can't be fulllly self-sufficient, or you cann, but its totally natural to need people and to love people. i think what will start to be great is when people start to allow themselves to be more and more open, and genuinely interested in eachothers struggles. theres so many more levels to people and to relationships/friendships, and it takes a level of comfort to really understand other ppl on that level, but thanks to my awesome friends back home, i know its possible, and theres so much to learn from people.

it's hard to see something so great as real raw human interaction and not be able to indulge.. once you know the best kind of friend-love that seems to exist, it's hard to have it lacking in everyday life.

all of this to shed the honesty i wasn't able to verbalize tonight... i was, however, able to ENJOY the night through making art and eating popcorn and laughing uncontrollably with new great friends. so i'm lucky i suppose, or smart for choosing the right kind of outlet. it's funny feeling so full with personality and life, and yet feeling inadaquate and young all at the same time. i'm constantly redirecting my direction. and it's what i need to be doing, and i can enjoy it, even when i feel sad or shy or unknown (lots of ppl feel the same, i'm sure). it's just a matter of what we do, what we allow ourselves to experience, what we decide against doing. becoming... "never stop becoming" (don't know who that quote is by).

sleep time for me.

Jodi

myths (and truths) about LC

2005-09-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

So some people will probably tell you that my school is kind of WEIRD! (the topic comes up in conversation a lot as well-- "our schools SO weird!.... I LOVE IT!")

First of all... we address the "tree huggers," they are real, I have proof:

Second... there ARE sports, believe it or not, no we're not as crazy as those Reed kids, we HAVE a football team (kind of). There weren't enough players this year to play the normal season games, but I did go to the game against Occidental from CA, and I took a picture at this wonderful moment that we actually made it to the 50 yard line!

As far as the rain goes... I'm convinced that it doesn't really rain a lot here, because I've had so many beautiful days that look like this:

and I read books while laying in the green grass...

So why is it so weird? I don't know, I guess cause people like ME go here. The only way to really know how it is here is to VISIT! Hope you enjoyed the pictures... :)

license to believe

2005-09-18T20:07:00.000-04:00

i spent the afternoon in the park in portland doing "pot-luck in the park," an organized pot luck to feed homeless people downtown. It was great! I got to hand out lots and lots of FOOD to hungry people. All had to do was show up to help, so much food had been donated from bakeries, and they even had icecream from baskin robins, and lots of cake. I was in charge of the bread (how appropriate), and we had loaves and loaves to give to people. I probably helped feed about 600 people.

as i was leaving i saw lots of people talking with eachother over their overflowing plates of food, sharing leftovers, and smiling and laughing. I left with a sense that there is good in the world, and that when people come together to help eachother out, it really pays off. it's okay to want to help people in this city, it's okay to want to make this city a community, no matter what socio-economic background you have. i don't have to defend myself in wanting to help and to contribute. i feel very hopeful for humanity, having experienced today.

it's so nice not giving money, but instead giving time to people, a word or two, some food, a smile. i'll have to sit down and eat with some of them next time, i had to catch the shuttle back because i still have homework to do.

i love this city, not only am i accepted for wanting to help, but there are so many venues to volunteer through and make thoughts/words/hope into actions and experiences.

i miss home!

2005-09-15T22:11:00.000-04:00

Jodi McLaren
Lewis & Clark College
PO BOX 1884
0615 S.W. Palatine Hill Road
Portland, OR 97219

(I'll just put my address there.... you can help bring me out of my sad mood by sending little pieces of home through letters or whatever you want to make me super happy)

While I realize college is amazing, I also realize I'm farrr far away. If it's a question of survival, well of course I'll make it. But in terms of emotional/mental motivation and happiness... well couldn't we all use a little boost there to make our lives more meaningful and especially great? yeah. maybe i'll find good music in the city tomorrow night. maybe i'll actually start my homework tonight. maybe i'll forget how sad i've been this week. call me crazy but i really like BEN LEE, his simple music is calming and nice. and one last topic change- i'm working at the co-op tonight and it should be great. now.. find your envelopes and stamps. (please!)

unless you have some bettter solution, in which case you can comment? or do both?

a piece of greece in portland!

2005-09-15T03:02:00.000-04:00

tonight we celebrated 3 ppls birthdays down in portland at a greek restaurant topped with good food, plate-breaking, greek dancing, live guitar playing, and belly dancing! just an all out amazing night. i felt like i was in italy again-- for the reason that everyone in the restaurant just didnt feel american! by which i mean-- americans are usually so freakin uptight and like.. always commenting on the actions of other ppl but not making any ACTIONS of our own, when i think of america i dont think of the word OPA!! or of strangers holding hands and dancing in a circle with a fat greek man. but we really ARE in america, and an atmosphere so welcoming and extravagant and exciting is 10 minutes from campus.

i met a bunch of beautiful young mexican ladies that were at the table next to ours who danced the night away and sang happy birthday in spanish at the top of their lungs for the three ppl who had birthdays!

i couldn't have been happier when i finally realized i had cell phone service in the city and voice messages andd andrew norsworthy left a message on my phone, he just played at jen lemens tonight! how cool, i wonder how it went, i'll have to call him back and also call jen tomorrow.

i'm rambling, the point of the blog is-- america is cool too, always be ready to belly-dance and talk to strangers, they might be really awesome and you might have a lot of fun looking like a wild person and dancing with a really large seductive greek man.

OPA! (... goodnight)

weekend trips and coming "home"

2005-09-11T23:10:00.000-04:00

After 3 days of no shower and below freezing temperatures and rain and yes, eventually sunshine and a beautiful day on Waldo Lake, I felt soo happy to be back at my dorm, with a warm bed awaiting me, and a warm shower, and warm clothes, and warm... okay you get the idea (it was COLD this weekend!!). I felt happy to see my floor-mates, I felt happy to have toilets that flush and our showers with little shower curtains that barely cover the shower area!

Then I wanted to catch up! So I asked like 2 ppl how their weekend was. But thennn I realllly wanted to catch up, like how was Mike and Kat and Rach's weekend? How was my family's weekend? How are things back in THAT home?

This home on campus in Portland is providing me with the essentials to live comfortably and the opportunity to do a lot more than live comfortably (i.e- meet tons of cool ppl, get to know people, work at the co-op, play frisbee, learn, read, write, look at stars, play music...). My real home provides me with more love than I've ever experienced, or all the full love that i have experienced, people who know me deeply, and how rach said in her blog "make day to day living soo meaningful" (not a direct quote). Both sound pretty good, right?

And they are both really good. So I'm in a good position. A good position that sort of brings tears to my eyes at times.

Its funny to think of the things I miss and how they can't be just re-created with any person... Like it can physically be re-created, but the dynamics all change. playing my music for ppl here is so different from playing my music back home, and theres a million other things i've yet to experience out here that won't quite have the same feel as they do back home.

I'm happy to be here though. I just can't or wouldnt dare to forget how beautiful my home is, and how nice it would be to experience it again whenever I wanted.

paper writing for inventing america calls me off... letter writing has begun though, this should be fun. mike already made my day with the package he sent, snail mail is the wayy to go.

lots of love, so much that i don't know where to go with it!

Jodi

taking control

2005-09-06T19:23:00.000-04:00

it's so important to get up in the morning and feel good about the first thing you do, it sets the tone for a wonderful day to follow. yesterday was the prime example, i woke up, took a shower, and walked around the woods of LC campus with my guitar on my back and my journal in my purse and wound up sitting in the rose garden playing guitar and writing some poetry. nothing too incredible, i kept reverting back to this phrase i've been singing to: "if less is more, then i want more"
(which is like saying I want less.. but not exactly...) anyway, this was very soothing for my introversion, and also for my beauty-meter, if i can call it that... It's so easy for us to leave all these intangible yet really really important things out of our conversations and thoughts. Things like BEAUTY or LOVE or community or justice or expression or inspiration or growth or character. stuff that we all know exists, but its hard to point at these attributes blindly so we often forget how real they are and how important they are to our state of being.

whats cool about life is that we can indulge in beauty and love and growth and inspiration through our choices. We decide what to do, who to spend time with, how we spend our time, what we read, what impact what we read has on our lives, what we contemplate... but as many intelligent people that came before us, theres some quote i cant remember that basically says that its a matter of what we do with hardship that determines our character, because in times of hardship we feel much more limited and are forced to make bigger/more difficult decisions. i guess, then, other days of making conscious decisions to feed our hunger for meaning and life and beauty, and creating that sort of habit well give us the kind of energy we need to be able to process through things. that's my hope at least.

i feel like my blog might start turning into how i'm managing to think about the types of things that were challenged through going to church and being a christian, now that i'm not so concerned with the church part (but i'm still concerned with how to feed my appetite for truth and meaning). will the two ends merge back together into some new-found belief or decision upon religion? i'm not quite sure. but i do know that there are things in this world i need to do to keep myself going, and doing those things frees me up to be able to give to other people and not be insecure, and be able to smile and say hello to random people on campus without being concerned about anything-- because i have gained my energy from the beauty in the world, and its reflected in my composure, in my emotional state, in my comfort with myself.

ben lee knows what i mean--- "wake up, and do it, whatever it is." life is much fuller that way.

don't you think?

small moment of feeling alive

2005-09-04T14:03:00.000-04:00

i was reading elective affinities for my english class on the grass, in the sun (when not blocked by clouds), outside of my dorm. The book went in and out of being interesting, but I was happy to be outside in the warmth of the sun. Among people walking to and from their dorms, the sound of an acoustic guitar caught my ear (as it usually does). Some guy was walking around playing this beautiful guitar delicately, and it sounded very beautiful. He walked away, I kept reading my book, then he returned and I looked up and waved and he walked over and asked what I was doing... "I'm reading, what about yourself?"

"I'm writing a soundtrack to this beautiful day... I'm really just playing the same thing over and over again."

that's awesome.

I stopped reading and looked up at the clouds for a while as my background music walked away further into the beauty of today.

how do you mean?!

2005-09-02T17:38:00.000-04:00

So I've basically finished the Republic by Plato in a week! And I was so happy to see that phrase printed numerous times because back home Yash would always be saying "how do you MEAN??" and there it was, in old school greek times being said like it was normal.

So it seems like justice is quite hard to define, but pretty darn important, and that Plato would love to see us living in one communal women-children sharing community of giving and receiving to achieve what each individual needs. there's a lot of other stuff going on in that book, like noble lies and how democracies form and all kinds of stuff, it's really cool actually.

i've enjoyed reading in lots of different atmospheres, there's a cool looking tree near the frank manor building and then theres the grass near the reflecting pool, hey the grass right outside my dorm aint so bad either, basically outside is the place to read.

i've found that i'm very forgetful.. i've been locked out of my room 3 times, one of which i ended up walking around campus with no shoes at night (which people don't think is so weird here). today i left my purse in my first class and got the RA to let me in my dorm and i checked my email-- someone had used my id to search my name nad sent an email telling me where they'd put my purse (which had my ID, my bank card, my digital cam, my cell phone, etc. in it). luckily people are tight enough to do something like that.

i was thinking while walking to get my purse, how nice it feels to not have a purse or a backpack or ANYTHING on me other than my clothes, and how foreign the idea of walking around alone for the sake of walking around, without any mission at all, is so rare. i guess we all find comfort in purpose, or maybe its that schedules consume our time to the point hwere there is always SOMEthing to be done, and whether you feel like it or not, you better be heading in the direction of completing what you ought to do. i guess i had a fight club moment where i thought "what if i just didn't pick up my purse?" haha... but of course i wanted lunch and a key to my dorm... and all the other stuff in my purse (trust me theres a LOT of random stuff in my purse). but it's quite nice to feel unattached and free, reading in the grass is about as close to that as i get cause its both productive and freeing.

i started voice lessons. i'll be both improving vocally and coming to grips with the part of me that feels soooo crappy for not knowing how to read music. because when the topic comes up i feel so inferior i want to run away and cry! i have cried about that actually, since auditioning and getting cut from choir (visit my poetry page for a poetic analysis of my emotional state after auditioning-- www.openpoetry.blogspot.com). yeah i got cut... i choked in the rehearsal, which is something i thought would be rare. but not when ppl are questioning your classical music knowledge of ZERO, and when my ego jumps from star 18 year old song writer with a CD to... beginner bottom of the barrel choir singer.

i know better than to equate both forms of music. but i'm dealing with some funny feelings, some close to anger, some more on the sadness scale, some empowering and motivated, like "oh, you're gonna cut ME? wellll that's just fine, i got other places to go and sing.

its friday and the start of a 3 day weekend, i'm going to do some open mic with a girl i met at lunch down in portland at brittany's church or someplace near there. should be fun!

so dealing with failure seems to be up on the ranks right now, but its mixed in with so many people and classes and readings that i'll deal when its most convenient, and i did sign up for voice lessons, which i'll probably be paying for, and they're not cheap! so the challenge now-- to try to make some dollars by performing in the city. wish me luck, and encouragement is always loved and cherished...

later for now!

Jodi

my school is sweet!

2005-08-26T14:41:00.000-04:00

Loving it here in Portland, my campus is goreous, and there's some sweet people on campus and on my floor. Next door roomies are awesome (jesse and morgan), I'll get a pic later, Morgan is tight he's next door, we chill, he plays the uke. And there are like 5 other guitars on this floor and open mic night tomorrow! YEs. pretty good fit for a school i have to say. Heres a few pics to get you acquianted:

convertables are not meant for moving into college--- but they're amazing to drive in on a gorgeous day

roomate and i (her name is laura)

campus

my lovely dorm

okay thats all for now. email me at jodi@lclark.edu or comment or whatever, I'm having a great time.

JOdi

words of wisdom:

2005-08-23T23:48:00.000-04:00

messages left when i had the away message:

"any words of wisdom before i go to portland tomorrow morning?"

TheTallSkinyGuy: stay loose, hang tight, everythign is gonna be alright
TheTallSkinyGuy: when "you" wake up in the morning

dabus2246: If life gives u lemons...make lemondade
dabus2246: and then find someone whos life gave them voldka...and make a party

LaurBaBie32: HAVE FUN!!!!! BE SAFE!!!!!!!!! WE'LL MISS YOU AT THE REZ!!!:-) lol

WhtgrlsCANjump15: HAVe a safe trip adn fun time at college

mAcCo2003: meet as many people as you possibly can in the first 3 weeks. It's the only time your whole class is going to be in the exact same boat... brand new and ready to start college:-D

EmceeChron: use condoms

cHiNkMaStAfLeX14: heh ive never been any good at this words of wisdom business but ill leave u with a few of my favorite quotes
cHiNkMaStAfLeX14: Our duty, as men and women, is to proceed as if limits to our ability did not exist
cHiNkMaStAfLeX14: The distance is nothing; it's only the first step that is difficult
cHiNkMaStAfLeX14: good luck and godspeed
cHiNkMaStAfLeX14: oh and have a kick ass time too :-P

feel free to leave your answer as well! we can all indulge in the many "words of wisdom"

not so far away

2005-08-23T17:23:00.000-04:00

(in light of the movie "the shawshank redemption," last nights star gazing, dropping rachael off at towson today, and me being in portland OR in a few hours... heres some poetry)

we'll make the most of any prison
inside walls there's room to grow
but when the time comes to step outside
we will surely have to go, say yes, not no

and no matter how much you refuse
to let surrounds change you, they do
surrounded by thieves, you learn how to take
surrounded by hypocrites you learn how to fake

the walls that we have shaped sure do give comfort in my heart
seeing you each day has made us who we are
and i think looking up at stars, well it's amazing we can see them
when they're light years away and nothing we do will change them
from existing for the moments we look up
without us they're just aimless in the dark
but looking up has made us who we are
and we are here and we are here.

you'd have to circle the world over like yarn wrapped on a yo-yo
to come close to half the distance of this spark of bright existence
so when you think of 3,000 miles, or inches away, it's quite the same
or at least that's what a star would say, if it were looking back at us.

so please be where you are.
i'm alive in your heart
we're looking at the same stars
nights still get dark
we're who we are

when faced with the choice it's easy to want to lock ourselves back
in last summer rocking our lives like thunder
wrapped under a blanket shielding our eyes from the time that has come
for us to become
one with the moment
when the moment puts a lump in our throats
because the moment keeps jumping and we'll take it wherever it goes
unsheltered and alone but with the strongest hope
we'll be united again
and that's love for a friend.
we did pretty well back then
the prison door is open
but i've found so much in the confines of my previous mind
it's time
to step onward
and meet you in the future when where we are is together
but for now be where you are, there's nothing better
yeah and i'm sure the stars would say, you're not so far away.

such great heights

2005-08-23T01:23:00.000-04:00

the roof of ahs is a good place to be with people you love on the brink of something new. i feel like almost saying i took advantage of having such great people in my life now that i'm leaving, but really... i didn't, everydays a new day that i tell people i love that i love them, i'm reminded over and over how great my friendships are, they didn't really just come and go or just happen, it was an intentional union of great people coming together to encourage one another and laugh and cry and play music with and all that great stuff.

it's funny, seems like my natural instinct (and others i've talked with) to feel emotional/worried/overwhelmed, because no matter how much stuff is taken care of, the future seems so ambiguous. i forgot how hard it is to endure change. i'm feelin for rach having 2 school changes coming up. the thing is, i know every one of my friends is going to be alright. the type of ppl my friends are... are not ones to give up on a dream or a goal, and no matter what happens, there's going to be some path waiting to be taken that each of us will stumble upon and make our own.

rach and i were talking... it's really just about having faith. so in the words of my 5th grade PG county self-- keep the faith alive! worrying is only gonna get us so far and so "prepared" and eventually it's going to come down to figuring out how to deal, how to live knowing that everything is happening for a reason and will turn out how it should with our willingness to participate in the decisions to come using our hearts.

it's always nice to have someone pray for you, i guess not every average person experiences such a thing, but growing up in the church i guess it's sort of enevitable that someone somewhere is praying for me. on sunday i had the privelege of hearing the prayer of a dear friend of mine with her motherly hand on my shoulder. she was thanking god for the conversations we'd had and encouragement i'd provided, and praying that the transition be an enjoyable one with interesting people and good things to do... i dont' remember it all, but it was very warming. and lots of other people spouted the phrase "i'll be praying for you." which i like and appreciate greatly, it's a way of saying that someone believes in me and is hoping for good things in their thoughts (and prayers).

i've been a little uh.. silent when it comes to talking to god through prayer, i'm thinking.. god hears all the talk going on already, what's he need to be specially informed? so i feel like a prayer sponge, just getting the most out of other ppls prayers about me or for me and, not contributing much back into the prayer realm of belief. i would like to pray though, or ask life to be sure to keep my friends in their awesomest condition along with myself as we all endure so many changes. ultimately its on us, but it's hard to plan ahead when everything is so blank and empty until we get there and experience it. we have to be a part of it to know anything about it (college), and so i'm asking that college open its arms to us crazy girls and guys from howard county just trying to live a good life a potentially difficult life thats bursting with LIFE. and i do believe its going to work out.

to get to the top of the world, you have to climb.

:)

looking west

2005-08-21T22:47:00.000-04:00

i'm starting to get really excited about school. the wedding was so perfect last night! We all had the best time! The ceremony was really sweet and personal and trev and i sang that andy davis song "bigger than us" and then off to the reception with italian food from 3 brothers and the toast given by me, and lots and lots of dancing. it was SO good to see my cousins and hang out and have a good time. and my sister was gorgeous and us bridesmaids were lookin awesome as well, and jesse was the mann on the dancefloor. thats just a quick recap.

so today there were more leftovers than you can imagine, plus 3 dozen bagels after having ppl over in the morning to open presents (at which time i went to church to avoid the crowd, sit in on the last service for a long time, and sell a few cds). in any case, the inevitable happened, i ate about 4 bagels, 2 plates of leftovers, a donut, and god knows what else! The only thing i could think to do to redeem myself was go running, and that i did, with trev and an ipod and some real good music we ran for a while and my legs feel achey and good.

i've been FEELING a lot lately, and only occasionally and shortly getting sad for the loss of this stage of life with one or two tears. ultimately i'm just really feeling good about moving, now that i'm packing and all it's just good and exciting to be able to start fresh. i looked at my schools website and found the 30 or so outdoor trips this fall, i'm totally going on atleast 3 or 4! they look so cool, waterfalls, volcanoes, kayaking... i mean, whats goin on! i'm in!

and i love my friends and distance doesnt change that. and my family has been leaving for the longest time, just coming and going, so i don't feel so bad to be doing the same on my own adventure, though i do cherish time with them cause my family rocks.

it's going to be a good trip. I talked to some ppl at church today, one guy, lester whitmer, the guy who does a lot of work aorund the church cutting lawns and things like that, he was saying how when his daughter got to college and everyone left she started writing a list of all the things she was going to miss, and then she realized that she was supposed to be happy and tore up the list then and there.

i've caught myself a little stuck in the past lately or stuck in the future... and i guess last night was something that demanded the NOW which was a bit emotional at times, but i think it got me back on track with what day it actually is. so i'm managing, and if you want to see me you better come to my house tomorrow or the next day, cause come wednesday morning i'll be gone!

:) adios ppl

it's happening

2005-08-18T16:57:00.000-04:00

my sisters getting married

kathleen left at 6 30 am, just 3 hours after I left her house last night.

wedding rehearsal tonight at 6

i just played a show at college perk last night for the last time in a while and i love college perk and i loved last night and seeing all of the beautiful people i've come to know that were there listening and chiming in, and even dancing.

there's a half full suitcase in my room

i know so much about this stage of life, and so little about the next.

when i look at my friends i smile because i'm happy for the beautiful people they are and all they're going to accomplish in the years to come... then want to cry for not being able to be in eachothers prescense to share it.

i know Portland is the place I need to go.

I have no clue what it's going to be like there.

I don't know if I'm prepared for nights alone and feeling misunderstood.

My guitar will forever be my friend and i'll be happy to take it with me on the plane.

I have so much hope for the people I know and their futures.

It's hard to focus on my sisters wedding when there's so much changing in my life already.

I'm genuinely happy for her and Jesse, he'll be the coolest brother in law i could've hoped for.

Procrastination might get the best of me this week... not a good thing.

I'm ready to be self-sufficient, but it's going to take a lot of growing and a lot of strength... and it IS so much better when we're together!! jack johnson knows, so do some people i love.

I love Rachael Maddox so much.

There's never any words I can say when I see my friends crying, but I feel what they feel and i want to give whatever support i can. it's hard to do that without words, i wonder how it can be done.

saying goodbye is such a fragile thing. but for some reason, after sitting in my car with the door open and one foot on kathleens driveway for 10 minutes, it was the only thing i could say that would force me to close the door and drive away.

i really do mean for it to be a GOOD-bye though, like me sending her off with good energy. fresh and alive. understood and motivated. taking the necessary steps even when you're bursting with emotion.

trevs home after a week of being at Pepperdine, he's here for the wedding. reunions are golden.

i'm off to eat italian food for the rehearsal dinner. i'll love this! you see how my thoughts jump around... its a lot to be happening at once. inside and outside.

time and ties

2005-08-16T01:37:00.000-04:00

with a week left i'm feeling more things at once than i have in a while.

its important to spend time with people and catch up and let people know how much i've appreciated them, and its also important not to get too lost in that loss of the past to the point where i can't move on to the future. but i mean.. they do call grieving a process, and it i think its happening at very interrupted intervals.

i've been wanting to get up and go some place cool lately and make the most of my days, because i fear laziness, and i dont have a huge list of things to keep me busy (well.. aside from packing, but i think i'll pack like a mad woman next week)... so if i'm not busy with something really fun, then i end up spending my time sleeping or staring at this computer too much or whatever else. and then i wonder why i'm not out someplace doing something good and worthwhile.

i got dinner with sarah tonight, it was perfect to see her and talk and be able to jump back into the comfort of the friendship we had so long ago.

kathleen leaves on thursday, i called and we talked and cried a little over the phone because we've changed eachothers lives so much.

the sadness gets counteracted with excitement and new beginnings and opportunity and so many activities to be involved in that are meaningful... but then trails back into memories of meaningful times and loss of this stage of life.

college will be great. because i'll make it great. sharing life with the people i've shared it with has been the most incredible eye opening, heart warming, mind stretching experience i've ever encountered on so many levels. i don't think we were made to be alone. i think people need eachother, and people change eachother, and we have to soak up life with all the different people we encounter, and be open to meeting so many great people in college, while coming home to home. coming home to shared highs and penetrating conversation and growth.

so i'll be on my own. what does that even mean? my core is right here, in the love that surrounds this territory, the love that will fly with me on my 7 hour flight to another coast. i hope to share that love with lots of great people... but we all know where it began and where it can't be shaken. its home. it's what we create.

i've found here at home the same thing i probably would've found if i'd driven to the beach or elsewhere; that this monumental change is still approaching, and theres no pretending otherwise. now its about talking to the people that matter, and getting things done that need to get done, and helping people out, and playing music because i love it, and doing all the things i love that exist here. thats just what its about. and i'm glad i know that.

now just to sleep for a while so i can be awake enough to do some of those things... thats the tough part!

peace

pack up and go

2005-08-13T13:21:00.000-04:00

packing up to leave
taking my own
long road
with nothing but the belongings of my memories
and the past that built
enough skin to block out the dirt
and keep my insides in

the thin layer separating life from
the world
and still so much passes through

so many intangible ideas flew
right through me
getting caught in the cobwebs of that empty space in my head

i've been keeping some space open for rent
so please excuse my minds absence

it's just that i cleared the clutter of standards
and hand-fed opinions
that only make sense in one past-tense
but i know that now is a new game
or maybe not a game at all
no nothing is the same now
except that ever growing accumulation of events
building that past- tense to magnificent size
impressive
progressive
clear enough room for amiguity to loom ahead
at the dead end and all of it's surroundings
pointing countless directions that haven't been went
my money's been spent, i'll be staying here for a while
with this small backpack
that i put down from time to time
it's all you see attached to me
but my depth is in the emptiness
the space for this world to expand
and for new planes to land

disclaimer

2005-08-13T01:16:00.000-04:00

the post below is what happens when i can't write in paragraph form and when the current music/books/people i am exposed to will not get me through my own state of whateverness. only writing something new, and creating, will relieve me in the way it is able to. it's being self-reliant, in the only way that comes naturally. to try to formulate words that emote and decipher my reality. enjoy?

alone together

2005-08-13T00:49:00.000-04:00

i developed a lump in my throat and a knot in my lower chest.

you've gotta do what makes you free
and nothing less
saddle up and get going
alone

no that word isn't depressed or upset
alone
no it isn't so horrible being
alone

it's necessary when you're going
to be able to be
alone

and settled to some extent

and unsettled relentlessly

what makes me free.
what makes me.
what i make
now that's all that's at stake
get ready, surroundings
you're gonna change
so am i

like a chemical reaction
when i arrive
sure, i'll come out alive
after the war of two pliable
entities, highly reactive
both equally reliable to acheive
all that describes change
together, the confident loners
smile and in a flash
the colors change

like a sunset.
and the controlling force
comes from the inner voice
of every particle of every part
of every place.
may it be time, rhyme, or lines on a page
change stands alone
on the tip of dawn's tongue
waiting to rise
and open our eyes. to eachother.
after learning to be
alone.

stimulation

2005-08-09T01:18:00.000-04:00

i was bored today! very bored. i sent out CDs in the mail... I bought milk for my cereal, and I realized there was nothing that urgent to get done... and nothing major that i was struggling with. (if there was something major i'd probably be off in creative world playing guitar to no end or typing away poetry)... instead i sat around, stared at this computer screen, wrote emails, walked around the house, ate chocolate pudding, and kept trying to think of something exciting to do before i go away to college.

so i understand saying "i was bored" doesn't sound like such a news alert, but it really feels like one! and once you get bored you kind of exist in a state of boredness that can't be escaped because if you decide to escape it, you're no longer bored. the problem was the only ways i could think of to escape boredom was to drive to someplace far away and play music, or swim in waterfalls, or.... WHOA!

lol just now on random song play of itunes ben lee's song starts playing-- "do it, whatever it is, whatever it is, just do it"

how cool.

now i'm not as bored because im thinking about this whole issue of boredom, and music helps to stimulate the mind. but really... boredom draws you to do some crazy things. you can either accept boredom and become terribly bland... or else fight it and try a million things til you really feel fulfilled or challenged or STIMULATED!

if i could find someone to drive up to canada next week monday-wednesday, i'd do it. i don't wanna get left behind on the possibilities life holds. sometimes you have to be a little bored to realize that sort of thing. now.. what stimulates your brain? and do those things ultimately perpetuate good things or bad things? and does it matter? or is the only important thing in life to be engaged in it? (comment, that "you" in the question wasn't meant to be rhetorical).

i feel like going to sleep for now... which i guess makes sense cause its sometime after 1 am, though it sort of feels like a continuation of boredom... i'll break out of it soon, even if it does take til i get to school and thrown into a new lifestyle, i'll be all turned upside down, no time to be bored when you're trying to adjust... i don't mind that. i think i like stimulation a lot more than boredom; but you need one to realize the other. the see-saw keeps going! goodnight, let me know if you're up for some good times before aug 23rd, theres so much to do!

Jodi

What a glorious night!

2005-07-31T21:26:00.000-04:00

AND THE CD's HAVE ARRIVED! With the celebration of the summer! It was so wonderful last night playing in Jen's backyard. And now i'll be taking CDs wherever I go! Here is a beautiful picture taken by Jen's sister Kristen. (more pics on the way)

Thanks to daniel lee! He rocked, check him out at www.danielleemusic.com.

Guess it's time to work on the next CD.... haha, the writing continues! I'd like to get some shows before I leave for Portland. Enjoy your week,

Jodi

better than i know myself

2005-07-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

you know how people say that... "he knows me better than i know myself." It's a comforting thought, I think, to say someone else knows you-- "better" than you know yourself. It's like saying someone knows all of you, and then exaggerating that point even further... though when you think about it, that can't REALLY be true. for someone else to know you better than you even know yourself is basically commiting yourself to someone elses opinion of you, or standard of you... really leaving the thinking up to them, and kicking back. (i know the phrase is just meant to say, wow this person KNOWS me)

but yeah, it's kind of a comforting thought, i mean, to have someone that just knows. for some people i think the person or entity that knows them better than they know themselves is God. He knows more than they could ever know about themselves... therefore when they just don't know about themselves, they pray, or read the bible, and then some all-knowingness is hoped to pierce through the clouds or the book and jump inside of their minds.

but what is all this giving up our power to know ourselves doing? we're less contemplative, more dependent, and in a sense, finding a way to live with our lack of understanding of ourselves.

i can say, there's a lot about myself i don't understand. i don't know why i act certain ways around certain people, or why i get in bad moods sometimes, or why i feel the need to be alone, why i then feel lonely. i understand that i'm different, so i almost don't understand why my life seems the same as any other college-bound high school graduate. so i just kind of can daydream about how nice it would be for someone to know me better than i know myself.

but its been through experiencing other people, with thoughts and actions different from my own, and from reading great books, and from driving with the windows down, and from going to that ani difranco concert, that i pick up more of an understanding of myself... it's almost like i have to see part of me in something else to know that part of me exists. but really... it exists before i see it someplace else, and its too strange/difficult to decipher before it's been discovered through my observation of my surroundings.

so this is sort of borderline philosophy blog today. there are parts of me that exist that i do not yet "know" and i'm not convinced that some one knows me better, or that i should stop at that reality if it were true, because really, i'd like to know myself better. and that's something i'm going to be learning to do as i pick up and go to a place where people won't even know me, let alone any better than i know myself.

peace,

Jo

inspiring words

2005-07-27T00:44:00.000-04:00

Last minute Jen and I bought tickets to see Ani tonight! It was wonderful, wolftrap is an awesome place, the lawn was one big hippy fest with blankets and wine and lesbians and all sorts of people. I loved hearing a bunch of new songs... here's some greeeat lyrics to one of them:

i had to leave the house of privilege
spend christmas homeless and feeling bad
to learn privilege is a headache
that you don't know that you don't have
i had to leave the house of television
to start noticing the clouds
it's amazing the stuff you see when
you finally shed that shroud

i had leave the house of conformity
in order to make art
i had to be more and less true
to learn to tell the two apart
i had to leave the house of fear
just about as soon as i could crawl
ignore my face on a wanted poster
stuck to the post office wall

i had leave the house of self-importance
to doodle my first tattoo
to realize a tattoo is no more permanent
than i am, and who
ever said that life is suffering
i think they had their finger on the pulse of joy
and the power of transcendence
made its grace a practice we can employ.

tell me that's not awesome! there were other songs i can't find the lyrics to that i absolutely loved as well. something about... not being in the best shape, and i'm going somewhere and it's not where i've been. something like that, it was beautiful, really, and i kept getting teary eyed. but it has been an emotional week or so for me. i'm near the CD making end. halelujah! spread the word about the party-- www.jodimclaren.com. it's gonna rock, basically. so be there.

Jodi

this friday

2005-07-24T23:39:00.000-04:00

cd-release-eve

Dinner, Salsa, Assembling CDs.... happy times. lets organize a bit with a house and some food options. 99.1 should supply salsa music just fine.

right on

(all about putting together fun things this summer, atleast once a week, if not everyday)

the act of forgetting

2005-07-24T16:06:00.000-04:00

when i was getting my cd mastered the other day the song "don't forget me" was playing, and i told bill wolf (master man) about how i wrote it as sort of a graduation song. and the line "don't forget me.." plays a bunch of times, and he says "yes, but people do..." and i reply with an acting-like-i-know-the-ways-of-life-more-than-i-really-do answer of, "yeah.. I know.."

it's one thing for other people to move on and forget about eachother, it's something else entirely to forget who you once were... or to remember and feel very disillusioned in the contrast between past and present.

today i remembered the day i sat on my living room and cried for my friends in africa. i remembered wanting so badly to do something, and i did through the means of... getting my parents to contribute, and by sending 100 bucks to african liaison.

still where is that drive now? that drive to do something good that one feels compelled to do? am i freaking numb to my surroundings from this self centered act of creating my own CD?

the root of all this comes down to who i am, and what separates my natural inclinations from my actual actions... what separates who i am from who i portray myself to be.

i woke up with a weight, i couldn't fall back asleep, but i kept trying to, because i knew if i got up i'd have nothing to do to alieviate stresses. i want to be assured that this party will run smoothly with actual CDs to release that should get mailed this week. i kept trying to go back to sleep, but it just made me sad because i couldn't sleep... there's some push inside me to discover something new, to get somewhere, to keep going, so much that its hard to just sleep, and yet i don't have much means of assuring that i do get places, because some things are out of my control.

i don't know if i'm nailing the source of this pain on the head yet, or if there's something else. i broke down crying in the shower this morning... and i kept feeling like i had nothing firm to my personality. like i'm living in another time and place other than now and people aren't on board with me, because how could they be? and people's desire to fix whatever this sadness is in a phrase or a word of advice seems to make me more sad... like it's undermining whatever is existing in me right now. though i do acknowledge needing to progress towards something.

when the question arose in my head: what am i about? what am i doing? what is it i believe? what do i know?

the only word that came to mind was "love." and that's the only thing i know exists right now. and i believe in it. and i'm here to love. i don't even know how to love all the time though, because i can be such a bitter person... and i can be so quick to judge, yet i never trust my judgments... cause it all seems so shallow. i miss wanting to change the world. i miss chasing big things. i miss relating to some one, even in sadness. and yes, there's a positive side to all of this and i'm growing... but it's hard to know whats real.

i'll leave with some ani words i enjoy about what's real from the song/poem "the true story of what was":

real is real regardless of what you try to say or say away
real is real relentless
while words distract and dismay
words that change their tune, though the story remains the same
words that fill me quickly and then are slow to drain
dilogues that dither down remniscent of the way it likes to rain
every scream, a smoke screen, oh to dream
just for a moment
the picture
outside the frame.

Then in a flash
The light blue horizon
Spanning a sudden black
Is sucked into the vanishing point
And quiet rushes back
To search for the downbeat
In a tabla symphony
To search in the darkness
For someone who looks like me

(Though I'm not really who I said I was
Or who I thought I'd be)

Just a collection of recollections
Conversations consisting
Of the kind of marks we make
When we're trying to make a pen mark again

A lifetime of them!

I say to me
Now here listening
I say to the locusts
That sing and sing to me sitting
Now here on the front porch swing of my eyes...
I hereby amend
Whatever I've ever said
With this sigh

peace-- in whatever form you can attain it or pass it on.

music high, music low

2005-07-24T15:27:00.000-04:00

come join us this saturday, July 30th, for the CD Release of my new CD "believe me" featuring Daniel Lee! 5pm in Silver Spring. visit my website for more info: www.jodimclaren.com.

thats my music high.

the low i was just thinking about is in regards to music from other people. i've been a little wrapped up in recording and such and feel i've been missing out on some type of music scene, different from my previous discoveries. Now is a time in my life I'd appreciate mix CDs or recommendations of people to listen to. This is open to anyone out there. Recommendations may be left on the comments or sent to my email: settle4more@gmail.com

share the love.

teach myself to be new in an instant like the truth

2005-07-20T01:38:00.000-04:00

ani difranco is the woman.

teaching yourself things can be hard. "an instant like the truth" is happening all over the place, and changing every instant, and it's hard to keep feeling new. its easy to feel old, to feel like the person you were, to feel inadaquate, to feel out of place...

yash and trev always talking about "tricking your brain" and how its what you have to do to actually take an interest in something, you have to make yourself believe its true, tricking your brain is what makes history books come alive, scary movies make you jump.. basically allows you to believe what you see is real.

so i've been trying to "trick my brain" to start taking an interest in becoming a little more positive about all this... and i'm getting somewhere, or so i think, and thats better that the cycle of "this sucks." bad news can be so upsetting, so theres some types of religions that tell you not to get your hopes up, just to be complacent and at peace (buddhism..) and not take part in all the craziness around you. but i'm not so much about that because it seems like you're cutting out the lows and the highs, and that we should be able to endure the lows to feel the highs.. and i guess ultimately we balance out or something, but here's the complacent, consistently balanced out approach.

what i want to do is trick my brain into being more positive, so i can possibly experience a more positive outlook, just because in my head i know that it's important to be more positive, even though righ now i have not naturally been very positive. love is hard. the less tangible journey continues.

my next 4 days are going to kick ass, with our without asheville, because i want them to. and i already have off work, and it's okay that the road trip fell through.

goodnight for now

things that make me cry

2005-07-18T00:52:00.000-04:00

i've had a headache ever since i went out to my car which was parked on the street and had to bend over to get under the tree branches... at which point i opened the door right into my face! the corner of the door hit near my eye.. and i just sat in the thickness of the hot day trying not to cry.

i went to rachael's tonight with a huge bag from ikea that was filled with wooden framed mirrors and picture frames awaiting paint jobs. i opened the door to someone yelling at somebody, and made my way up to her room. rach was in a bad mood, with many justifiable reasons to be. i can never think of what to say when bad situations are at hand, so i sometimes awkwardly laugh, or sometimes i say the first cliche that pops into my head, sometimes i just listen... the truth is, i feel the pain of my closest friends, and i just want to cry. (yet something in me knows that crying wouldn't solve anything, and really, it'd take attention of the person who "needs it"... unless the person just needs to cry too, i'm getting ahead of myself).

we were sitting on rachael's bed (kathleen and i), and mike was on the floor and rachael was standing up, and josh was on the couch, and 6 mirrors are painted on the floor... and kathleen asks if anyone heard what happened with amanda quigg's dad... then came news that he died almost a week ago. "SHIT!" were my honest first words blurted out. then a really upset face, and, "oh my god." I haven't seen amanda quigg in a long time, and i haven't hung out with her in an even longer time, but we were really close in 10th grade and i've learned so much from her in that amount of time we spent together. she's the strongest person i know. it's sad to think of her having another person die in her life, but there's more to the story than that, her dad has been sick for a long time, her mom has always taken care of him, he may have been headed for a nursing home of some sort... this is a phase that the family has awaited. still, i just feel like quigg's loss is my loss too, because i love quigg so much. (i know these other details because i talked to quigg since i've gotten home.. just had to IM her, she's such an amazing person and i love her!)

i called joey while at rachael's to see if he knew more than i did about quigg's dad, and he didn't know much more. then came that phrase spoken way too much for action to feel comfortable about.. the "let's hang out." i really will hang out with joey, like something meaningful and good before summer ends.

summer is ending.

i went back to rachael's room, everyone is talking, but i can't really focus on what they're saying, i lay back on the bed and look up at the ceiling (the one part of rachael's room that is plain and simple and blank, aside from the draped yellow sheet), and this sadness just kept coming with thoughts of people i love but haven't talked to or told i love (quigg was the first in mind). and then i look back down shaking the tears back and reconnecting to the conversation.

the conversation has shifted to the road trip rach and i have been planning for the past 2 weeks. it's the best thing we've ever planned and decided to do. it has changed our gloomy mood and transformed it into beautiful picture frames and to-be-greeting-cards (to be sold on the road), it has led us to discover the online version of asheville NC and hostels and open mic nights, it's given us something to look forward to. rachael's dad does NOT want her to go, it's come to the point that he will not let her go. we talk about how we really want to go, and if mike and kathleen can come than maybe we can go (its safer with 4 ppl). i start to think about the fact that it might not actually happen, tears swell again.

"this could be the last big thing we all do together"... "what day are you guys going to college?" ... a week before me. more tears swell. this time i'm not staring at the ceiling. "what's wrong? are you thinking about quigg's dad? are you going to miss us?"

yes. "it's okay to cry" ... i look at josh considering the awkwardness he's feeling, but can't really hold back, there aren't words really, so mike just gave me a hug, and i cried on his long sleeved shirt on rachael's bed.

i felt okay, comforted, accepted, just what i needed.

more people came over, i had to go home, i get into my car, turn around, turn right out of rachael's street, as i've done so many times, and the road gets blurry, and the windshield wipers aren't to blame. i'm sobbing... and thinking how do people really "deal" with things? is crying about it dealing with it? it doesn't feel like crying about it is really doing anything at all. this is hard. i can't imagine what quigg is going through, i just want to do something positive for her, i'll give her a CD, how do we DEAL with things? none of this will exist how it does right now. i love joey, i love quigg, i never see them.. i won't have excuses to see them, especially not in portland. so much is changing. i can't stop crying. thank god no one has to see/hear me, because i sound like the 4 year old child i heard crying/screaming in ikea the other day that just gave everyone in the store a headache. i don't feel sorry for myself, i feel compelled, at a loss, sad, when it came to the road trip i kept thinking of that phrase on the back of football t-shirts at reservoir, WINN (When If Not Now?). and i just want to be able to live now, and go down south, and live.

i make it to my bed sobbing again, wondering how i'm going to do anything positive if i can't even stop myself from crying so much. i open my computer and sort of hypnotically open IM, knowing quigg is on instinctively, so i IMed her... because i just needed to, and i tried to offer support, but more importantly, just spoke of how highly i think of her and how much i feel the need to be there for her... and just asked how she's doing and she's okay. we must all be here to support eachother though, especailly when such drastic things are happening, but even when the drastic things are not happening, theres other smaller things going on. always going on. and my head hurts thinking about it. and i don't know if my car door is to blame or if my inability to really understand the world in a fully context is to blame, or if the fact that i'm moving 3,000 miles away is to blame. i feel better, atleast better enough to not be sobbing. i'm going to finish my CD tomorrow, really. life's there when you work towards making it better. it's there all the time i guess.. until it's not, and someone dies, and life is no longer there with them. then this whole idea of working towards things seems silly and weird and depressing.

dealing with things is so ellusive, is there really some specific way? road signs were of no help to my questions tonight. all they did were reinforce what's already known to be necessary "yield, stop, go, merge, slow down" my feet know how to cooperate with these instructions. yet juxtaposed is my brain and personality, at a complete breaking point, instructionless and sad, the world doesn't make sense, death doesn't make sense, being connected to people and feeling their pain doesn't make sense.

road trips don't make sense to parents.

i'd love to go to asheville, i haven't given up yet. the next 2 days i'll be in desperate need of that second wind that keeps people energized to get through the next leg of responsibilities. i can do it.

us human beings, as jack johnson put it, are "better together."

Jodi

community affair

2005-07-13T19:45:00.000-04:00

i was at pepperjack's talking to andrew about my church the other day.. don't remember how it came up in conversation, i believe it was because we were talking about my sisters wedding. in any case... he was asking if the church belonged to my dad, like if my dad could call the shots on what went on there. and i was like... well not really because this building was really purchased by so many different people's donation in the community of the church, and theres a team of ppl thats made rules and things like that.

that church cost like... 2 million dollars to buy and build, at least... considering the 63 acres of land and all that. and the money was raised by a whole bunch of people willing to support the fund. pretty amazing.

now.. the forever discussed topic on my blog, my CD is basically hours away from being complete. and as much as this is "my" accomplishment... it's really not just mine, and i'd like to establish that mindset before it even "comes out"... because i've asked for so many people's pre-purchases, and had supportive people carry around those blue cards to pass out to friends of friends of friends (or just random people on the boardwalk), and have been given generous donations, tip jar money, not to mention the boosting encouragement that gets me through every rut in the CD making process, and hours spent in the studio with Nuc, my dad, and rach (who also spent 3 hours, 12am-3am, figuring out harmonies before our 11am-4pm studio session... that's commitment!). SO MANY PEOPLE, and I really feel that this CD is not just MY lovely accomplishment. It's our accomplishment.

This is why I'm having a CD release party! To include you in our accomplishment and celebrate with a wonderful concert in Jen's back yard, together. I have to make one more big decision about whether or not to master the CD which will cost roughly 450-500 bucks (about as much as recording it costs!). Regardless, it will all be complete and pretty and available at the CD release party July 30th in Silver Spring! Mark your calender, if you own one... and if you don't, write it down:

Jodi McLaren CD Release July 30th (must go especially to see Daniel Lee and The Making)

got that written down? Good. can't wait to celebrate our accomplishment.

Jodi

and the research continues from an inside source (myself)

2005-07-12T08:40:00.000-04:00

my senior year i participated in the mentor program and wrote a 14 page paper after lots and lots of research on how artists can genuinely be themselves in this commercial marketing lifestyle and still be successful.... or what makes people successful without sacraficing that voice of theirs?

so i studied ani difranco and joni mitchell.. two amazing women... different but ultimately in control of what they were creating in the studio and in performances. both with incredible messages in their music.

i'm going into the studio tomorrow without my dad or nuc... because they are out of town. now this was freaking me out for a little while... like who's gonna tell me what sounds best, who's going to request that the EQ gets shifted a certain particular way.. who's going to listen to these harmonies and see whether or not they add to the songs?

well to answer the question literally... rachael is going to be there, my life friend (okay i've only known rach for 4 years, but my LIFE would be so different without her). and i'm very very thankful for this.

so, who's going to make all those decisions?

I AM. because i've come so far this whole year trying to figure out how an artist can BE and BECOME and come into their own and not be controlled, yet I almost forgot about all that and wanted the comfort of someone elses higher understanding to come explain to me "what works" and what doesn't... for fear that i'd put a CD out with "mistakes" on it that people would noticed.

granted... i've worked my BUTT off to have all my songs in time, and sang my heart out at the last session... but this is the end the time when i have to conclude this part of the journey of making a CD. so today is my day to prepare for the last 2 days of recording... to know in my heart that i CAN do this and that i do know harmonies to sing with my music because the second i listen to what i have now i'm hearing all these other parts in my head to go along. and i know i want a raw dynamic sound that has some depth to it on the vocals. so its time to step up to the plate and take control and own this CD.

and i mean.. really.. any one who stands up and takes a leadership role or a place that draws attention is going to draw the opinions in of many many other people. but i can't let that scare me! sure i'm open to hearing how to make my music better, but it's hard when you're trying to make something that's not going to change. if anything i need to be proud of myself but instead i'm starting to get ahead of myself. i don't need to apologize for anything on this CD because it's amazing how far i've come. and i need to hear more things like this (i'm drawing much off of the conversation i had with rach last night).

so if you've got encouraging words for the seriously... last 3 days of making what goes into this CD, to help me push through with my utmost genuine portrayal of self and all the greatness and difficulty that that entails (making myself open for criticism that may come) please click the comment button and type away or send me an email:

settle4more@gmail.com

or i mean... if you haven't already, go buy the CD to be a part of my whole process and take from it what you can, because that's really what this CD is for, to share with people what i've learned/experienced/thought about the past 4 years. you can buy it at www.jodimclaren.com or whenever you see me.

july 30th- best CD release party ever at Jen's house in silver spring. featuring daniel lee and the making (and me of course). and to continue on with that idea of sharing... we could make this a sort of pot-luck, so we can all share food and come together. i'll update on this for sure. now to start the day with confidence!

Jodi

do what you need to do

2005-07-11T14:50:00.000-04:00

Activities that have proved to be fulfilling recently:

riding bikes
climbing trees
reading
driving with the windows down
(with no car radio/stereo on)
going to barnes and noble.. not finding a book i went there to buy, then deciding to sit and read "zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance" instead, even when it meant going to the car to get my guitar out so it didn't melt in the heat... and bringing it inside. (at first I didn't want to do this because it draws attention to be carrying a guitar around on your back... but when i sat down to read it was as if i was invisible and people conversed around me as if i couldn't hear them)

i liked reading at barnes and noble... because it's almost making a statement. i can read a book in my room all i want, but if i can go to some public place and sit down and read in the eyes of whoever happens to be around, its a way of accepting my nature of wanting to read alone in the first place. when people don't acknowledge me it's exactly what i want. sitting there reading is almost like screaming "i'm an introvert!" or "i like to be by myself sometimes!"

in any case, i had the choice of being stressed out about whatever i want to think about/busy myself with... and then there was the choice to say... i can't finish my CD here and now, my guitar is fixed, i have one load of laundry going that i'll move through when i get back home, i have a few hours til i HAVE to be somewhere, and so why not sit down and read? and i didn't even have to buy a drink, someone brought out free decent-sized samples of mocha frappaccionos, my favorite.

for some people i'm sure this is all no big deal! sitting down and reading at a book store, WOW! but i'd never really done that before, i'd been too preoccupied and self conscious to do that in the past. so my morning/afternoon has been relaxing. i'm learning to do what i have to do.

Jodi

this isn't final

2005-07-07T01:24:00.000-04:00

sometimes i think much of peoples focus is on finding some concrete set of beliefs that will define who we are that do not change and that give us strength to stand on. it's just sucky because... anything i think or realize or come to find and think i'm about... eventually changes. so people might see one decision or one blog or one glance on the street, or one clip of a song, or whatever and think i'm a certain type of person. the thing is, whether i am a certain type of person in that instant or not doesn't even matter because tomorrow, i'm something else, i've lived another day, my outlook changes from something... i don't mean literally TOMORROW, i just mean in the future.

then i have this strange drive within me... to become something, and i don't know the details of what i'm becoming, but i completely know within myself that i was born to do something great, something great i haven't done yet, to go places, to experience some type of journey, to not be comfortable, to try, to think, to expand from where i am right now... so somewhere is this idea of "who i am" which not only includes my past, but includes my uncertain future that i perceive to be mind-boggling, incredible, insightful, hard, terrific, challenging.

"i come from one tentative conclusion to the next, the only thing i know for sure is that I am confused" --hugh prather, "thoughts to myself"

it's kind of like that. except we get so freaking scared of being perceived as something based on one little snippet that we're scared to share that snippit; we're scared to take the journey, to be who we are, to be who we want to become. i just want to discover who other people are, because being exposed to another persons past/dreams/struggles/present moment provides so much strength just to know that we can be who we are and be understood by somebody and keep going on. and that's just incredible. that's the essence of a relationship. of being open and facing who we are through encountering ourselves in real life situations with other ppl/in the eyes of other ppl.

i've had the song "i'm not angry anymore" by ani difranco stuck in my head... it's not even the song really, its just that phrase. it's the most calming phrase i can contemplate right now... not being angry anymore. not being hostile, not being insecure (or being honest about insecurity.. not having to hide it). us ppl have so much to live for and say and think and do. let's start talking, opening up, asking questions, i want to know whats really up.

do not be intimidated by who you are.

2005-07-02T11:20:00.000-04:00

This phrase is what has stirred itself up in me ever since watching the documentary "The Journey," over at Rach's a couple nights ago. It was about a guy taking his friends on a hippy bus across the country not sure what he was going to do, but ended up setting up interviews with influential people and asked them questions and video taped it all. He asked questions like, what advice do you have for young people.. and "what are you struggling with today" and for the people who opened up, it was just so interesting.

A big message in the movie is to do what your instincts drive you to do... to actually try to do something great, and then if you don't do it, it will still be so worthwhile, you can't regret something you tried to do that was good, because the whole process is so important, of actually doing things we believe in.

i was thinking while listening to a CD of what our songwriters group recorded (each person in this highschool songwriters group recorded songs on their own, sent them in, and we made a little compilation CD). Well when i'm driving my mind sometimes thinks up conversations with people, in which i think up responses and keep going. so i heard the vocals to a song and thought, the EQ could be changed here... even if you're going for a natural sound that isn't processed digitally, what you have has already been processed according to the mic, and so you choosing not to change it doesn't change the fact that it's already changed! Okay... I know not everyone thinks about microphones, but to draw that example to a larger setting... who we are has already been constructed to an extent. The life we know (sticking with the metaphor) is heard through the sound system of our familes and our upbringings. Now is when we choose the hard stuff... we can either continue going with the key elements that make up our sound/our essence... or we can take the damn thing apart and make it better. The weird thought is, we don't gain everything from our family. We gain so much from so many different places.. I mean there's school/college, work, sports, music, coffee houses, books, friends, mean people... the list goes on.

I guess what i'm saying in the title of my blog is that we learn from our experiences, and those are not limited to where we've been in the past.

it's really intimidating to look at this future PACKED with action and things that I've never done before, and to not be there yet, and to have a choice to go. And i'm choosing to go, but it's still so complicated. I'm not sure if there's any sort of prep-work before the challenge, or if it's just something to get thrown into. Right now I'm about to get thrown into exactly where I need to be (portland, OR) and it's going to be different than anywhere I've been before. Sink or Swim. And if you swim, its a big old ocean. This will be hard! It will be great also, but it will be hard. sheesh. What to do in the meantime? making art is nice... take a look at what came out of "art day" (me and rach making art on her back deck):

Above we have... the set up, Rach painting her beautiful glass vase, and my painted/collaged wooden piece.. sorry bout the glare. it's nice to be able to make art... not to impress, but to express. especially when its so hard to put my finger on some words.. hence the words on the wooden painted board- "when words alone fail" and the black hole of mystery/fear behind it, and the colors of hope around it. it's something i can look at. or create.

I feel like reading a book. Not sure which one yet. suggestions are welcome.

Jodi

i'm in the news!

2005-06-30T13:41:00.000-04:00

Laurel Leader's article is OUT... go read if you haven't: http://news.mywebpal.com/news_tool_v2.cfm?pnpID=810&show=localnews&NewsID=643011

To get a CD go to www.jodimclaren.com

this sites all blogs... :)

I'm organizing the CD release party! SO EXCITED for it! We're looking at Jen Lemen's backyard in Silver Spring... :) I'll let you know details when things are a little more solid. My hopes are high, we're looking for artists to come play for the occasion, and I'll put on a show as well. Keep July 30th open!

Jodi

yay for pictures

2005-06-29T12:09:00.000-04:00

people in silohette at the concert.... heaven/aka college perk.

redemption vs acknowldegment

2005-06-28T17:52:00.000-04:00

i was chillin at rach's the other night and she was saying how no movies end with the hero dying... but in life the hero dies. and it's interestingly true-- while movies openly expose inner organs, blood, guns, nude bodies having sex, drugs, guns, knives, (insert more things you wouldn't want your kids seeing), there's most-often times a good guy, and he or she usually makes it out of whatever just fine and well.. the problem gets resolved, it's as if nothing bad ever happened.

the whole movie is just waiting for the character to be redeemed out of some bad situation. I was thinking of this again when I thought of this awesome book I read a while ago called "blue like jazz," I never did finish the sequal though, it seemed like all the questioning and doubt happened in the first book... and it did have a sort of tidy ending, and the second book, while i should finish reading it before i even judge, is more about reconstructing, rebuilding, fixing it all back up. And it started feeling cheesy to me... and if things feel phoney to me then i have trouble continuing with them.

I have finally began reading my dads book, the last word and the word after that, and it's been really great. no phoniness about it, good job dad.

i think theres an urgency in our culture to fix, and fix fast, and redeem, and make better, so much that problems get brushed under the rug, when problems are so important to deal with... just as laughter and smiles are a part of life, so is doubt and fear and sadness. I'm not saying one should beat out the other, I'm not saying that at all... and that's the strange thing, because most people want good to win, but that's not even the battle, we shouldnt be fighting to have an easy life... or i can't assume that of other poeple, but i myself will not make decisions in order to make my life uninvolved and simple, while this may be an impossible goal, it's not one i even want to attain. i want all of it, all of the ups, all of the downs, and the ability to keep going, to be changed, to be in transition, and for that to be okay with the world.

redemption can't occur without acknowledgment... and without proper due time.

now that the blog is done i'm thinking of a few movies where the "hero" dies... titanic, american beauty... and donald miller is still cool in my book, some answers just don't work for me cause i need to write my own book, live my own journey. and i will. in due time.

Jo

a new word.

2005-06-25T23:42:00.000-04:00

my sister and mom were talking about it on the way home from NJ today,

"Liminality" it is this inbetween state of letting go of the past, but being uncertain of the future.

So I googled around and found some really cool articles, though there aren't a whole lot of them, and I'd like to read more, and maybe jump into some literature this summer that expresses these things.

so liminality comes with graduating (among many other things)... letting go of highschool, moving on to college. it's both positive and negative. I found this quote interesting:

"...what people usually have in mind is really resistance to transition, not to change ... Change occurs when something new starts or something old stops, and it takes place at a particular point in time. But transition cannot be localized in time that way, since it is the gradual psychological process through which individuals and groups reorient themselves so that they can function and find meaning in a changed situation. Change often starts with a new beginning, but transition must start with an ending -- with people letting go of old attitudes and behaviors ... At bottom, it is a person's identity that he or she has trouble letting go of, and it is that identity that stands in the way of the change producing its desired result" (Surviving Corporate Transition, pp. 16-19).

Another article I found was saying how lots of poets and artists learn to live in a state of liminality. Tim Kinsella said:

"The writer offers herself or himself to everything and everyone, turning to the inconsequential and almost invisible weeds for meaning as much as to the glorious blossoms, valuing the dark parts of the story as much as its light. . . For the writer to write at all, he or she must cultivate a heart that opens to all things. . . It is up to the writer to love everything that happens to him or her and each thing that comes under the eye's contemplation, inner or outer."

So this begins to explain the ambiguities about us humans, us bloggers, us artists... going through transitions in a culture that has no real "rites of passage" to affirm the journey and our process of becoming all the time. There's lots of us though, transitioning, opening up, so it's not so alienating. I'll be reading more... just thought I'd share that word with anyone unfamiliar, as i was earlier this afternoon, wikipedia doesn't even have a page on it yet (the word is too ambiguous i suppose), it is called "liminality." If you have more resources on that topic let me know

Jo

a little bit of really good news

2005-06-25T10:36:00.000-04:00

I got my scholarship back for LC! Now I don't feel so horrible for going to an expensive college.

My party was very personal and awesome. I really got to talk to some people on more than a mingling level, and I'm so thankful for that, and for the gifts people gave, and the words people shared.

My website is DONE and beautiful! Go look! There is more coming... like for instance, songs from the CD, which are almost finished being recorded, give me another week or 2. Look at whats there so far-- www.jodimclaren.com

I really love my friends.

I raised 1,000 bucks through the Pre-sale, or I should be saying YOU raised me 1,000 bucks, wow, and I'm so thankful for that, it's really just so incredible to have that support, and the end product is coming together so awesomely, I'm working really hard in the studio! It really will be great.

Now I get to go celebrate again, this time in NJ with my moms side of the family, the Italian side, just when I thought the food couldn't get better (my mom and i fried eggplant yesterday, and it was ooh so good!), I head over there, mmm I just have a really good life. Nights like last night remind me how connected we all are... in both struggles and celebrations.

peace out, and Happy Birthday to Brittany today!

Jodi

party time

2005-06-23T14:44:00.000-04:00

hey, I'm having my graduation party tomorrow, and I was really bad at sending out invitations, if you are not doing anything tomorrow, please come join us at my house, stop by and indulge in my moms italian food, it's going to be wonderful.

That is June 24th at my house at 6:30 pm. Seriously, drop by,

Jodi

affirmation

2005-06-22T01:33:00.000-04:00

i started writing this post right after senior week and only wrote a sentence:

awesome people need affirmation.

now.. i've gotten TONS of affirmation, it's been incredible to be able to make my CD and actually have it be happening and be so well supported by boardwalk walkers and friends and family and all kinds of things.

but what about the tons of other awesome people out there who DON'T get affirmation? here's who hasn't gotten affirmation from me who genuinely deserves it more than anyone in the world:

1. my father! HELLO, he's changing the world, and i freaking found a million reasons to get upset with him and mesh my own personal struggles into a relational struggle with him that involved me treating him like poo... and then getting mad at him for it. now what the heck is up with that? why didn't i ever stand up in the mirror and smack myself in the face? i was too busy hurting myself in this struggle i created because i didn't think my parents would accept me if they kneww that i didn't really believe in christianity, or if they knew that i chose to get drunk during senior week.

why am i typing this in a blog? because a lot of people think i'm perfect, and i'd like to say i'm not, but that i'm not stopping there either. you can't fake being a leader, and i don't know if i was doing that or not, but when i'm ready to be a leader, i will be. i do know that it is in me to do some incredible things on this world, but it will take getting over myself and not seeking to create problems for myself. now how was i able to realize all of this... well thats where the second person who deserves recognition comes in; among many of my close friends is:

2. Rachael Maddox, now this one sounds out of place; rachael is my best friend, of COURSE i think she's awesome... well no, i do think she's awesome, but i haven't shown her sincere gratitude lately, after all the wisdom she's poured out to me, i've been throwing it back in her face essentially by making lame comments that are hurtful and mean and unnecessary. where is it springing from? this negative space that has been formed in myself throung a bitter relationship i formed with my dad, and it's now opened up and out of the closet and attacking without me even thinking about it. rachael is who she says she is. rachael's not putting on a front. rachael's owning up to her self, and she's seeking to do something great with her future, and THAT deserves encouragement.

it's easy for me to get encouragement because i can sit down and play someone a song, and my music is something tangible people can look at and say "good job." but everyone has a song.. and i obviously don't mean literally. but really.. what's so great about a song? well a good song is honest, it's putting something out there, it's contributing to other people or to society, it's saying something or feeling something OUT LOUD... so put aside the whole verse chorus thing (because i don't feel like extending the metaphor any further), but it is so important to encourage people who are doing something with their lives. and to encourage people to do something with their lives, and to really understand a person before writing them off, or especially before hurting them. and these are just all things i'm learning, and i've felt like a horrible person for needing to learn them, but it's more important that i accept that horrible part of me and press on with the good stuff. now... can we all just celebrate eachother? thats what we need this summer; to encourage and inspire and support and celebrate ourselves and the wonderful people around us... the wonderful people that have problems but find ways to deal with them. who fight to stay alive and give life a good name. First people up to celebrate in my life: my dad and rachael. and theres room for more once i get a little further over myself. ( i didn't enjoy writing that last sentence... but its true).

there's my shot at honesty, for what its worth,

Jo

too much ME

2005-06-20T14:27:00.000-04:00

okay... man, it's okay to struggle and everything, but really, the past few days i've been absorbed in that struggle and getting through it on a personal level and all this self-self-self stuff and i've written blogs (one of which i didn't even post because it was the same thing restated in a longer way than the blog titled "bold")

anyway, i'm thankful for all that struggle because i finally dealt with something important and talked to my dad and let him tell me how much i've hurt him over the past few years (which i needed to hear), and found out that my parents do love me whether i'm a christain or not, and so really... the only thing holding me back from being an amazing person is myself, that's nothing! (that's everything!)

during those couple days any conversation with anyone wasn't very focused, because in the back of my head was this problem, this insecurity, this suckiness, and so i did a poor job of shielding that, and hid away in the basement for a few days, and did my NF shut down, and cried, and wrote long emails, and talked on the phone, all about ME... i needed to i suppose, yeah i did need to.

but the me- days are done for a while, not done, but definitely umm less concentrated. we're constantly growing and discovering ourselves and learning how to become some one unique despite the beliefs of other ppl in the world, and it's hard to grow up, it's hard to look at things in the past and say... i'm not like that anymore, and acknowledge that you WERE like "that"... and that there are parts of us that come out at different times in our lives and we need to take all of them into consideration and not hide that EVER.

a number of things pushed me to deal with all of that; one- having a news article written about me and having to answer questions about the things i was most uncomfortable about, about myself, feeling what its like to step out in the open, not liking the feeling. two- senior week, meaninglessness. three- chris's struggle, wanting to be a friend, thinking about his struggle. four- having the kind of friends that know me well enough to call me out and tell me when i need to step up to the plate. five- growing up as a christain, not wanting to be defined as that anymore, but being scared to define myself as something else... so remaining "undefined" and trying to convince myself that it can still be meaningful and awesome to be undefined.

i feel like i can breathe again, i have been writing so much poetry lately to try to get some of my emotions out... but after i finally dealt with things, had a good talk with my dad, i came back to the documents, one blank text thing was open before when i was thinking about writing another stupid poem about being sad or something, and i wrote this instead:

there is no need for this space of blankness waiting to absorb
bloodstained regret.

there is no need for hiding under years of unsaid thought and emotion
and guilt

there is no need to blame the ones above me, for now i stand alone
and alongside the one above me

because he's no longer above me

we've endured pain apart for far too long

and he's no longer above me

and i've got no one to live up to, except myself

and that is more than enough.

he's on my side, and now i can conquer anything!
i found just about every reason for holding back
and held it there
right on my back

but i unpacked my past, and i'm ready to keep going.

joyous. yes i know! i kept all my internal struggles as internal for long enough to drive me crazy, all i had to do was TALK. i know i'm a great person, but now i really feel okay for being who i am. and that is almost strange. in a beautiful way.

can't wait to map out an amazing summer with rach and kathleen, we're meeting tonight to make goals for the summer, and i'm so happy! thank godd for friends, and for really good parents. really really good parents. REAALLLY GOOD PARENTS.

i've got a CD to be working on for noww :)

-Jodi

west coast

2005-06-19T22:03:00.000-04:00

i was driving today.. when i realized that if i had the money i'd go drive up the west coast and play shows/boardwalks wherever possible, and try to make enough friends to have a shower every couple of nights.

i've had all this internal weirdness and struggle lately (see previous blog), and there's this sense of "what am i DOING?" and this feeling that i want to do a whole lot, and i need to do a whole lot. and today was an enormous help. i watched part of the andy goldsworthy movie on his art that is so freaking amazing. i'm so glad jen bought this dvd for my dad cause it was the perfect thing to watch this morning before walking to work. he created art out of nature and allowed for tides to wash up and disperse of different things he'd created. it was so cool because it spoke so much to life and change and disappointment and growth.

i met with daniel anderson tonight, my website and cd designer, and he completely surprised me after our photo shoot 2 days ago with 3 different distinct awesome cd designs, one of which i particularly loved! this was great because i've been in a slump and to have him working for me and doing such a great job and actually caring about the design and making sure it's what i want.. it's just a great support and it takes a lot of weight off of me and gives me room to focus on my recording, which is awesome. more than all that, something about seeing the cd covers he made gave me a little inspiration to keep pushing forward, it was like.. someone elses interpretation of me allowing me to make more space for myself to see this project in new ways.

so.. i still need to find a way to do some amazing things this summer. if you have some options, let me know.

PS- jacob's blog is so great.. go to it right now! www.thesebricksarefake.blogspot.com. he puts into words what it's like growing up in the cloud of christianity as a keen/sincere/concerned individual.

for now... i must stay energized about my cd! if all goes well i'll be done in 2 weeks! next recording session is tuesday. :)

bold

2005-06-16T21:37:00.000-04:00

blogs are so weird sometimes because well... certain things i journal, right, and people don't read my journal, so what makes it something i blog rather than journal? I mean other people read this thing (supposedly)... so before i wrote the last sentence i was thinking some interesting thoughts that i'll leave here because... well because my blog is awfully geared towards making me look a certain way i'd like to see myself, and that's not the whole side of the story quite, and sure it's nice to read maybe, but whats really there? what all is there inside of me?

i was sitting in my living room with an awesome friend, brittany, from portland andd with my mom and we were talking about religion or something and my mom says "all of my kids are deconstructing their faith right now" and i just kind of smiled or laughed. my mom is right about a lot of things and for the past couple months i haven't really summed up my questions and things as "deconstruction," but that's basically what it is... and it's kind of a bitter process at times. poking fun at and punching at the belief structure you've come to believe to see if its really ligit.

so what defines me? what defines us as humans? i'm going to college in the fall.. i've probably told atleast 100 people that, and if you don't know, i'll let you know so that you can know something about me or to fill the politely curious knowledge. i'm going to lewis and clark college in portland next year. but right now in this instant, which doesn't indefinitely define my attitude, i'm doubting that an institution can even remotely define me. saying that is kind of bothersome, because the next question feels like, why bother with doing something that doesn't define who you are? and hell... why pay $30,000 if you're not kicking and screaming to go?

i think what scares me about asking those questions is that something about going to college is comforting, something about saying it's not worth it feels detrimental towards myself. i often feel on the fence, lately atleast, between pushing myself to do things i'm not even sure i want to do... or simply choosing not to do those things. soccer was sort of something that happened and got dropped, and i even emailed back the coach at LC to follow up about soccer this fall... but ultimately i don't feel connected to soccer so much anymore, which can be seen in my not playing for the past year and a half. and the way i've phrased that issue is by saying music was more of a priority.. and that is true. without playing soccer i had enough time to be involved in rock the barn and starting my CD, and i truly love it, thank god, because that's one thing i know through all this deconstruction or whatever; that i really enjoy music and can express myself through it and can hear the voices of humanity in ppls music, it's so beautiful and incredible. and no one forced me to be a musician. but then i get caught in a tough place.

it's good to do things you don't want to do... to adjust, and learn to put some greater goal before your own personal struggles, because... it forces you to grow. our parents have been forcing us to grow everytime we have to ask them whether or not we can do something and the answer is in their hands rather than ours. but now its our choice, how we grow, or even IF we really want to push ourselves to grow. it's kind of a bitter place to be because i don't want to fall on either side of the fence. i don't want to do something and not enjoy it... but i dont want to do nothing and have nothing to push myself towards.

i watched the big kahuna today by myself.. probably because i haven't been "by myself" really since before graduation 2 weeks ago (and the past 2 weeks have been great!) but now some things have been surfacing, things i couldn't have really expected. the movie is really slow, but there's this whole underlying meaning through this business-marketing plot. so there's 3 guys and one of them is all for the business and there to get the job done and be a liaison between his company and some other hotshot company, and the other guy is kind of unsure if he wants to be in the business anymore because his life is really complicated, and then theres a new guy who's a nice-guy christain... anyway, the business guy and the christain guy get in a huuge argument because christian guy (bob) talked to the person they were supposed to get in touch with.. talked to him about life and death and jesus, when he was supposed to be representing the company. so bob is like, why can't ppl just get to know eachother, and the other guy is like you just had you're own intentions blah blah blah... then the business guy leaves... and the depressed guy talks to bob and says some really cool stuff... first he says:

It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or 'How to Make Money in Real Estate With No Money Down.' That doesn't make you a human being; it makes you a marketing rep. If you want to talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are - just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep.

that's just interesting because it makes business people and jesus-spreaders ppl with identical intentions.. to serve the greater goal of the company or the religion... sacrificing something of themselves... well okay. but the one line that was really interesting to me came later when this guy was telling bob (christain guy) that he didn't have character because he didn't have any regrets.. and bob is like, so i have to do something wrong to gain character? and he's like... no.. :

I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret, you just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can't, because it's too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face.

that was just really powerful to hear. it's too idealistic to say "live life without regretting"... regret is important in that we see our mistakes and learn and grow and become, sure we should live in a way we think we won't regret in the future... regret is so strange. the word just speaks of being stuck in a bad reality, but what happens when we accept our regret? we gain character i think. because it's not denying regret.. it's regretting.. and moving on. if we are human being who do not regret then we're not really seeing ourselves clearly. as much as every person can build a defense for themselves, to make it seem like there is nothing "wrong" about what we've done, there comes a point when whatever was chosen just wasn't the best choice for whatever reason... and it's necessary to recognize these things. i think we all get a little scared of that whole area of life. we run away from it because people won't accept it, because we ourselves don't accept it. (it=whatever is not something we're proud of). so we can pretend we're proud of it, or just try to forget that it exists, but it's there.

i like writing these kind of blogs that turn themselves around. i felt a whole negative wave coming on at the thought of scheduling classes for college and being identified as a college kid and born into a whole list of expectations. i don't want to be a marketer for the hell of marketing. i want something important to express. it's weird.. i was thinking about this in nyc. there is sooo much art there in the form of advertising. the advertisements are soo interesting to look at. they're really a form of art, but then most artists are tempted to discredit that form of art because it's purpose is only to market to get you to take some other action. what is it about having an intention behind something that freaks people out? without intention we're just blobs of expression never really getting anywhere. we all need a dollar, why not make what we're selling look interesting? life is one big paradox of little paradoxes. i keep catching onto more and more of them. in art class we say what makes art is the intention. yet we mock intention when it's not in alignment with something we value or something. we're made to serve the greater good; we're made to serve only our selves. we're everything; we're nothing. life matters be careful; life doesn't matter have fun. and it's back and forth, and you just hope you don't spend too much time on one side or the other because you'll lose the other half, you'll live off-balance. yet so many ppl think it is important to be firm on their beliefs. and there is another balance, be firm.. be open minded. you have to be both! i just hope i stay sane through all of this, there's so much to think about, i'm happy i can just think outloud about them.. or on computer land here.

it's so strange though.. because through all the questioning, it all comes down to what you actually DO or don't do... and then you're measured up to that, or are you ever really measured up to that? because what defines your big action.. we're always acting. in drama class i always thought that was so funny.. that life was just some play created out of our own characters, and through dramas we can manipulate our natural reactions into specific scenerios to communicate something.. something with intention.

i think i'm being challenged to become, through different ppl in my life and the tasks at hand. is that a ligitimate way to grow? like... is going to church a ligitimate way to base your actions? some things just feel wrong to fight against, i won't even list my problems with christianity cause the argument is long and exhausting to think about right now. i just trust that people can and will choose what is best for their lives based on who they are and where they've been. that's all i can expect to see happen, and i'll be a part of the process in other peoples lives with the intention of discovering those things.. this is what i'd like to see of myself, because i don't especially like feeling judged and guilty, so i'd like to see other people without haughty judgment that is just unnecessary to us humans growing together to understand and better our lives.

this conversation could go on for a long time.. if you're reading, put in some input, you know.. if you're at all still interested in where this is leading, because it could change with your interaction, we're all so freaking important. i do trust that things happen for the better.. no matter what they are. i think that's about the only solid thing i got, that, and that i like music a lot. that's not saying too much for being firm on things. we all balance out eventually, maybe...

i'm not really asking for answers; just a different perspective, go for it.

now or never

2005-06-02T07:22:00.000-04:00

I wrote a graduation speech quite some time ago and I thought I'd share it with whoever reads my blog, because at one point it was meant to be shared, and I graduate today. Even though two other fine young ladies are giving their speeches today (both with whom I trust to do the job); there's at least a few nice things in this metaphorical approach to my graduation speech. hope you enjoy!

It’s difficult to visually capture the feeling of graduating. While our last days of class were last week, and we walked out of those doors for the last time as students, the last time we walked through those doors is not necessarily the last time we walk into the building. The interesting aspect of meriweather post pavilion is how open it is. There are no walls separating the stage from the outside; air just comes in and out as it pleases. And the breeze may carry a scent that triggers a memory for years after today, but there are no boundaries in the physicality of this pavilion, nor are there boundaries to encountering the people we’ve spent these years with. And there are no bounds to where we will go in the time ahead of us. Some of us may return to cheer on sports teams, visit teachers, encourage friends; some of us have new journeys that will lead us to other people, other buildings, other countries even.

Yet, right now we are here, over looking the life of high school graduate. The life of been-there learned-that. The life of, I haven’t been there. We’re kind of used to transitions, being the transitional first class to enter Reservoir High School after transitioning from middle school to high school. As we reflect, we may remember more names than test-scores, more faces than names, and more of whom those faces represent than what their physical attributes show. More than a memory is who each of us are on this day because of those people. Maybe because of these changes we have had to find ourselves and our beliefs and what we stand for.

We can look back and cry for the smiles we’ve been able to spark in one another; for the value of each person in this place. Each moment is monumental, and today is a first; a first walk across this stage; a first in the history of Reservoir High School’s graduating class; a first step out of our comfortable place at the top of high school; a first entrance into a world of possibility and promise. The first time we really have to say, “this is over.”

We lost registration to a former school. We lost the naivety of being freshman. We lost four years. We lost the presence of a wonderful loving teacher in our school. We lost friends. We may have felt like we lost ourselves in the process of some of these trying events and unchangeable realities. And yet we’re found today here together, under this open pavilion, with an open future. Amidst the loss of the past we have all won here today, together, making up a class filled with many different qualities, personalities, talents, and goals. This victory is proof that through trials and tribulations and irreplaceable memories, we can grow and learn from each of our very different experiences. This victory is one monumental part of a vast journey we have yet to experience. It is a journey filled with times we’d like to be able to capsulate and hold onto in an open world that has no bounds. So where will we go now that there are no walls housing our high school experience? The air is fresh outside, it gives life; it’s elements have survived time’s limits. May we simply breathe, let our curiosity lead us and let our memories reinforce our ability to continue to top the best days of our lives with each day ahead of us.

PS- 2005 rocks the house. BEACH TOMORROW! ahhh yes.

Its time to RELAX

2005-06-01T14:37:00.000-04:00

recent events have proven that I no longer have to attend highschool! The free time I've experienced so far has lead me to chip's backyard for the best CHIPAPALOOZA ever, rachaels house just about every day, to the orion sound recording studio in baltimore to begin my CD (with most of the 25 hour fee paid for by the presale!), AHS graduation, work occasionally, and well... sleeping in and taking long naps to recover from this year of excitement and no sleep.

i was chillin in church this sunday listening to a sermon on contemplation. i guess what brought me to the sermon arena and not just youth group was that I was playing guitar and singing for the church this past sunday... which was lots of fun! the youth band came up together and we basically revived a bunch of old camp songs and had the congregation clapping little riffs inbetween chorus lines. so back to the service... after lots of talk about how americans are so freakin busy that they don't leave much time for silence and contemplation, and often avoid such moments like when you're driving and there's no radio on and some realities start to surface so you turn on the radio as a distractor. or how lots of ppl work so hard during hte day that they fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow, not leaving any time for those sometimes haunting thoughts that come so easily when lying awake in bed.

then he was just talking about how its really important to sit in silence and think and allow yourself to like, step outside of yourself and try to open yourself up long enough so that you're not just thinking ME ME ME ME all the time. so i was taking all this in, and of course he wanted to allow there ot be a little "practice time" of silence and contemplation. i let my shoulders relax (our shoulders are always tight until we consciously think about it and unclench the muscles), and closed my eyes. and nothing too amazing happened, but this feeling of relaxation just introduced itself to me and was like JUST RELAX. i was expecting condemnation in the church for the sins and the unworthiness of all people or something, but it was the complete opposite, so much that when i had fully grasped the idea of relaxing and enjoying myself this summer i opened my eyes to make sure i was still in church (sure enough ppl were still closing their eyes intently and praying). and i just sat there and smiled. so i graduate tomorrow, and rob and eun will be there (this makes me so happy, i love them and never see them anymore!) and on friday i'm leaving for beach week with people i love in a house that is:

"located on the canal that opens to the Big Assawoman Bay." now.. i'm wondering if this was a joke- big assawoman bay... it's writen on the house description.

and after that brittany's coming here from portland to hang out! which means... awesome times and many excuses to see DC and Baltimore and maybe NYC as well. if you know some place she should see while visiting the east coast for the first time for a week, let me know!

so basically, my summer is off to a wonderful start and i'm ready to enjoy the company of many fellow seniors during senior week, with guitar in hand much of the time. OH funny conversation... i was talking to this lady after church and she asked about graduation and then if i was going to beach week, and i was like yes i amm. and she said "i hope you're not going to be as crazy as i was when i went to ocean city" and i was like "Yeah i'll be careful" and then she said "yeah, be sure to wear sunscreen!" .... that's EXACTLY what i was worried about! we had a good laugh.

now i must go battle my dirty-laundry covered room and the hugeness of target for some decent white shoes and a white skirt/dress, with the few dollars left to my name.

PS-recording is so much fun! i'm being quite productive in there and i can't wait til the next session. looks like i'll be finished recording by the end of June, so hopefully all will be printed and ready in early July! Presale is still happening, let me know if you're interested in pre-buying the CD for $10. :)

shakey legs, teary eyes, smiles, and surprises

2005-05-27T17:12:00.000-04:00

so much meaning and memories crammed into one day. Now a days with me performing, I'm a lot more comfortable... like at class night, I was rockin havin a good time despite a slight cold that won't go away! So today I processed into the auditorium and walked ahead to the side of the stage, waiting to perform my graduation song: "don't forget me" for my graduating class, the juniors, and lots of important parents and random dignitaries... well the songs meaning amplified when i started playing... i just looked out at all the beautiful caps and gowns and the amazing individuals hidden under those robes with hopes, frustrations, bitterness, appreciation... personalities all very different, but gathered as one supportive group of people. in the begining of my performance i kept trying to focus on the song but so many thoughts were just rushing through my brain and my knees were quivering a little bit. "how did i get here? is this happening right now? am i really done with highschool? whats next? look at this.... i worked so hard to get here... i cant believe it"

i studdered a little bit on the chorus and gathered myself for the second verse on... i've done lots of informal shows. even talent shows i feel like are pretty informal, but this was created to mean something. and SURPRISE! it meant a whoole lot. i belted out the last high notes to the best of my ability and closed my eyes and opened them again hearing the thump of chair backs underneath the applause. everyone of my 2005 graduates stood before me, my eyes watered up and i just stood there smiling, humbled, thankful, proud.

i loved seeing joey get the teresa freed scholarship award; he's the perfect recipient. mrs. freed was like his mom, and i love joey, and that was a touching thing to see... mr. freed standing there giving a monetary gift and bag as if he was handing over his wife's personality and vigor to joey, keeping it alive.

near the very end of the assembly i received the outstanding senior award. i can't even remember all the incredible things they said about me, i heard the words "whether its a song or a..." and then i started thinking.. no this can't be me.. and then "coffee house, africa, italy" and people started turning around to look at my face, which had a smile on it that was mixed with a face made before crying (pictured below, maybe). the award meant a lot to me, it wasn't just a recognition for getting good grades... it was like, a personal recognition of all those little things i managed to put into reservoir while i was there. ("was"..weird)

after the assembly i went to talk to mrs. miers-bond and she had tears in her eyes! she had written that speech for my award (it was SUCH a beautiful speech).

The thing i realized about thank you's... is they mean so much when both people have gained something. "thank you" can be a sucky thing to hear from someone that doesn't give back. the feeling i was getting from so many teachers is that the "thank you" was mutual, that they knew who i was, and they had gained something from having me around in little ways. mrs. brothman, for example, who isn't even my teacher, but has always been super nice and supportive through any of my endeavors, let me know that i inspire her.

i heard so many great things today i just didn't know how to respond. altogether, i'm really glad for my experience at reservoir. it took being upset part of my sophomore year to decide to make the most of everything i could and start living it up. now there's no stopping the positivity. i wish i could've given allison mcdonald an award for who she is! man.. that girl does it all, works all the time to help out her family and is suchh a nice person with such an awesome personality! haha i told her this stuff randomly in the hall yesterday and she said "my drunk friends don't even say things that nice to me!"

it's summer time! schooley mill picnic was very relaxing on my love blanket/love bag (sleeping bag), playing guitar, eating chocolate icecream bars and burgers, watching a great kickball game... then taking the best nap of my life when i got back home to my couch. i believe i'll remember this day for the rest of my life.

oh what a night

2005-05-22T16:11:00.000-04:00

i'm not gonna write too much about last night... but it was very remniscent of summer, dancing in kathleens backyard, staring at stars, sitting around a fire, singing my songs freely with rach right there hitting harmonies and the chords just flowing. I felt last nights bon-fire performance was really awesome, if not for the ppl listening, just for myself! man.. i was just going and going and hitting every note and feeling really introspective and into the music and just THERE in that night.

so this morning i caught the last few minutes of church. it is so awesome and amazing how life just does things that hit me in new ways. that was a broad statement. so i walked into youth group late... without shoes on! happy and tired smelling like a campfire.. and everyones gathered around in the semi circle, and the conversation had already been established, and on a dry erase board was "standing up to: " then there was a list with things like... smoking weed, cursing, sex.. i forget there were like 10 things listed that ppl in the group must have brain stormed earlier, like things they had "stood up to" in the past. and the conversation was about what it's like to have to stand up for something you believe in, when it's not the most popular thing to do... and how its important to love people for making their decisions and mann it was like completely reflective of my life this past week; having different standards for myself than my friends, and then figuring out how we both can live our own ways, yet being sure to like... maintain some sort of judgement without being judgemental.

there was some bible story too with peter and..john i think, and peter healed somebody on the street and someone arrested him for it and were like "we'll kill you if you talk" and he spoke up anyway because he believed in whatever was happening, just saying he had to do what he had to do and that jesus is the cornerstone of everything (sorry this isn't the real verse..) . whatever he had said was super controversial at the time, and his actions ended up getting him killed, and he acted the way he did knowing that he'd get killed for it. when i read that i just thought... okay so if this is christainity, it's pretty freaking radical and fearless! this isn't just standing around praying and keeping safe, this is dangerous! he's not in his sunday's best, he's getting thrown into a jail cell and crucified upside down!

i've had to reconsider a whole lot of crap just like... what's right or whats wrong... or even if i know what's wrong, when the "wrong" stuff happens... what to do next, how to handle it, whether to let it continue. i mean the major thing is.. how to handle it? cause it's all in the past now, and there's good in the "wrong"... but anyway, through all of this i feel like i'm learning what it takes to truly love people. and so i can handle whatever struggles and tears come with all the wrongs involved in the decisions of me and ppl i love. and i can't expect perfection now (or maybe ever), as much as i'm all about "settling for more", there is a certain strength that is gained when you CAN'T have more, when you're not wanting to settle, but it just so happens that you take an unexpected direction.

so i woke up this morning and this song by andrew norsworthy was like IN MY HEAD. I haven't even listened to it in a while. but it's SUCH a good song.

"once i followed your words like powerlines
energy with infinite will chasing it i climbed
high over peaks down creases of green
the treetops could not touch you there
only me

now i just call and let it ring

i took a turn and felt wrong
left my studies on the table
joined a celebration raising
in the black belly of babylon
darkness into dawn
and all my work at restoration
overturned, undermined, wonder why i never learn

until i'm on the other side.

if a color disappears and goes to gray
and stays that way for years
and then one day and then one day shows up to shine
and paints a line between the laughter and the damage
a little test of trust could earn the understanding
and burn back to dust any evil we were planning
a little test of trust....

i just call and let it ring...

yeah, its really a beautiful song. i was listening to it in my car after coffee with daniel anderson who is going to be my web designer! anyway so i was in my car after i dropped off daniel, and i turned on my boombox and put it in my lap so that it wouldn't skip and i was just so HAPPY. i was just getting so excited to listen to this music and drive with my windows down and i couldn't take the smile off my face.

i don't really fully understand everything that's happening in my life right now, but i'm glad something is happening, and at the core is just a whole bunch of LOVE. i guess i like this andrew norsworthy stuff because it speaks to the rough stuff that happens and doesnt just paint over the bad with up-beatness.. it "paints a line between the laughter and the damage" .. that line is so cool.

so yeah go to andrew norsworthy's site - www.andrewnorsworthy.com i think you can listen to that song there for free! and if you happen to read this andrew norsworthy, you're music is still so very inspiring to me; so thank you.

and thanks to my friends for our the mistakes we're willing to make... as messed up as they can be, and as much as i'd like for "integrity to win over desire" (ani difranco- manhole), and for us to figure out how to do many more positive things in the coming weeks than we've been able to do lately, every step's been important, so long as we're learning.

"and it's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know" - damien rice, cannonball

now for work, on 3 hours of sleep... man, i hope its slow tonight. peace out lovers,

jodi

there is a bright side.. and im taking off my shades

2005-05-19T15:36:00.000-04:00

that's right. while i can easily find things to get upset about... i'm realllly trying not to. and it works out most of the time that i can choose not to stress and not to get down.

i'd like to have some good times before i peace outta highschool, i guess kat's grad party is comin just in time. :)

i left school a little early today and came home and slept, i thought i was going to my room to get my guitar.. and then i fell on the bed and rolled a blanket around myself and slept 2 hours away, which i totally needed to do. my body is completely wiped out. i'm working tonight, it'll be hard, just because the runny nose has now come on, and the watery eyes, and ppl don't like when the girl making their sub is like gushing, and i'd rather be at home watching a movie and drinking soup.

but "i'm learnin how to be a fighter, and the differences that separate the misers, from ppl becoming wiser, and i'm on the verge of getting higher"

this is my theme song.. if you haven't heard it, then you're like everyone except my brother, cause i just made it up the other day but i've been jammin to it.

while i have complained some... i'm still atleast being productive, i figure thats the least i can do, to get things done because i never get things done and i'd like to prove that i can!

i think i need to pop another advil cold and sinus pill.. that could save me tonight! i forget about over the counter drugs and the help they provide.

house concerts are coming soon... possibly next week, let me know if you're down for chilling at my house while i play some songs and you eat and listen and converse. chipapalooza is next sunday!

i'm singing at the farewell assembly next friday.. and i'm performing at evening of the arts tomorrow night. i'm really excited. i can still perform even though i'm really sick, but i'm glad i called off my recording days, cause you want a recording to be good.. and its hard to focus and be good for 6 hours straight when you're feeling well.. let alone when you're sick! okay i betta head off to the p-jacka's. there totally is a bright side, i can see it, i'm trying to live in it ASAP, lets all do some good things this weekend, for the sake of having good things in our lives.

Jodi

the whole truth.. nothing but it.

2005-05-17T00:53:00.000-04:00

i realized tonight that acknowledging the truth.. the shit.. the goodness.. all of it for what it is, and saying it out loud, and writing it down, and understanding it, all of it... including the shit... especially the shit.... well, there's just some tiny ounce of relief in that.. that will spring to more relief. so in my attempt to feel more relieved, i'd like to list here some things that have been really hard for me to accept and deal with lately.

nuc is leaving cedar ridge... rock the barn is going to be lots harder to pull off

i want to be doing a lot of good things, life isn't cooperating; my mentorship was aiming toward having my CD done by June 10th, well.. that'd be nice, but it's not possible.

it's 1 am, i have school tomorrow, and i'm sick

this is my last week of highschool, and its the biggest struggle to finish i think i've ever faced (because of the sum of this list)

my parents are going out of town again, and i could kind of use having them around to help encourage me

i'm not being encouraged in school to accomplish anything

i do want to accomplish so much

i love my friends, how am i going to leave them next year?

it's 1:03 AM, i'm still awake writing a blog

i have new songs i want to write but my throat hurts when i sing.. (i did sing anyway... straight through 12 songs just to practice yesterday, i did each one til i did it well)

i'm not giving up... a lot of what i face seems to tell me to give up

other people have problems... i can't be the one to fix all of them right now, though i'm trying, in the name of love!

what is church? why do i go? can i just create my own church without the theology? (YES I CAN!)

this last week is like... a mile high straight up mountain cliff that i have to keep taking giant leaps to get up, by only hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. the only thing is, i could fall and a lot of ppl wouldnt notice.. the mountain is myself respect my self-fulfilment... the journey to who i am. some people don't have that mountain, or if they do, its more like a straight up.. flat sidewalk like the one they just laid down through my neighborhood... easy to walk on. mine is ridiculously huge, but i'm not backing down, sure i'm crying a lot this week, and sure i hate the feeling in my "fingertips" that are holding on with fear because i wish i could have huge hands that could grasp that mountain with ease and climb it without any tears at all. but i love the excitement in knowing i'll make it to the top.. i'll roll over onto that ledge completely exhausted and worn out and fulfilled just laying there after the most trying set of leaps my body has ever encountered.

i'll let you know how the journey goes... until then, i better get back to climbing

1:15AM... (yes sleep is part of the battle, gotta learn how to fall asleep) starts right now!

JODI (i don't know if time really applies anymore, i can't really work within time lines, what if my whole life is this giant cliff? i want atleast one little plataue (spelling?), i'll get that eventually, just enough rest to battle out another real life thing. you just wait, i'll get to making the most beautiful thing ever... it's not a CD or a song or a report card or a paycheck.... it's me. i'm worth this struggle to become. and it's still hard, but i'm glad this all has been acknowledged. a big "thanks" to rachael for our awesome conversation on the phone that helped me realize all of this, i love you!)

time is too stubborn

2005-05-16T06:41:00.000-04:00

there's just not enough of it. and my throat is officially huge. i probably got sick at work last week, when we didn't have enough gloves so we were sharing... with ppl who were sick.... sounds smart, huh? but i'll try not to be bitter at all... because all i really am is SAD. and it alll hit me today. this whole roller coaster craziness i've written about (from happy blog, to sad, to contemplative, to happy, to THIS), well i haven't cried once during all of it. i was realllly close, but i never cried.

so yesterday i did so much (see last blog), and made all these plans and thought it was going to be possible to do this CD in a timely fashion and get it out by the middle of june, but the truth IS, for me to do this CD, well it will take more time.

I did get totally carried away in my head thinking i had to pre-sell lots and lots of CDs, but really.. i have to remember that this is meant to be an enjoyable thing.

i woke up at 6:05 with plans to take a shower and go to school.. then i hit the snooze button, then i realized when the alarm went off again, that my thraot is gynormous, and so i went upstairs to tell my parents.. in disappointment, and my logical mother offers to schedule a doctors appointment and asks if i want to stay home... "I can't stay home, this is my last week of highschool, and I'm missing the last 2 days so that I can record, but my throat is sore, how am i going to... yes i'd LIKE to stay home, but..."

then tears welled up, and i walked downstairs to try to get some papers together... i knew i was about to let that dam go that was holding up all this emotion i've been feeling the past week, but that didn't mean i couldn't try to stay productive! for as much as i'm lazy a lot... there are things that are important to me that i'd really like to get done, and well, when i consider that this is my last week, i'm not like the rest of the seniors, i wanna do well, i've learned a lot this year, i respect math class, my mentorship has been this whole new journey i've taken this year with music, i'd like to make my portfolio kick ass (i havent started it yet), and in photography.. well i like that subject too, and i'd like to develop my film and do everything. everything THIS WEEK. I mean i'm LEAVING soon, I can DO this... (as i start crying harder and harder) and then i keep rumaging around my house trying to get books i'm going to return and get my lunch out of the fridge, but i just became like a stuffed doll walking around who couldn't even keep her knees locked to stand up, they just sink down. i made it to the office where.. for some reason there was one of those matts ppl sleep on and a blanket (oh yeah, we had lots of ppl sleep here for the bridal shower this weekend, which went wonderfully by the way), and i just laid there sobbing, and i couldn't stop.

then my dad came downstairs (keep in mind my parents usually sleep in later than 6:30 AM) and waited about 5 minutes til i could calm down enough to talk. and i only told him the half of it, where all the stress is coming from. theres still just so much sadness. but yeah, he recommended that i don't record on my last full days of school, and that i really try to get better and wait til i can do this really well, because it's something i enjoy, and it shouldn't be like this.

so i owe my pre-purchasers an email with an explanation, this project might not come to a close until july. and it sucks... because i rEALLY REALLY REALLY tried so hard this weekend to fix everything thats gone wrong to try to make up for lost time, but there's nothing i can even do, especially now that i'm sick, i just feel so disabled and robbed, like why would i become SICK NOW?? OF ALL TIMES?! And i'm really sad about it, because i do feel like i didn't accomplish something. it was just last week mrs. bennett said "we all face rejection and failure, just wait, you will fail some time in your life, it's the truth" and it's not that i'm throwing in the towel forever, but i did have a plan to finish this by the middle of june, and it looks like i'm failing to do that. and i don't think highly of that. but i do think highly of getting it done really well.

i'm gonna miss everything! i've been too busy to realize it! i mean we're done! i walk across the stage on thursday of next week!

The CDs will get mailed out once they are done.. and the important thing is they will be very awesome sounding CDs. i'll have a few little shows before then, either in my backyard or in at the barn. i'm going to sleep in... because my parents know best and they told me to. and i'll try to get in to see a doctor tomorrow. goodmorning/peace i'm sleeping again like its night... i wrote this last night:

i'm on the verge
and i'm getting higher
and i'm on the verge
no i'm not tired
i'm on the verge of catching fire

i'm learning how to be a fighter
the slightest differences separate the misers
from ppl committed to becoming wiser
and i'm on the verge of getting higher

cause when i start to need you
i start to feel
lonely
i start to lose me... (then it repeats, i made it into a quick song, kinda feels reggea/rockish)

after last week, i dont know what to expect on this ridiculous monday. (yes i said ridiculous because i have no better word!), later kids,

Jo

on the VERGE

2005-05-15T21:20:00.000-04:00

of something incredible!!

i slept for 4.5 hours last night anddd have been up doing amazing things all day. i set up a paypal account which will be ready to accept credit card pre-purchases, i got my own bank account for music, i went to church and sorted everything out with my recording, AND i booked thursday and friday to record!!!

The recording will cost 500 bucks. you know.. i talked to jen on the phone tonight and i just realized everything is going to be okay. i was super stressed before trying to please ppl and feeling like if i didnt presell a whole lotta CDs that i'd been doing something wrong, that i was not being a successful musician. and THAT my friends, is a sucky place to be, questioning your own talents and abilities and weighing your success on monetary values. THAT is nottt what i enjoy doing! in fact i wrote this sweet song that i hoope will be ready in time to record and the first verse is:

"calling out desperately for an understanding
the commercial and the subliminal airwaves tells me
to go buy a new CD
and listen to somebody
but i can't even do that tonight
because i'd rather rip up those dollar bills
and burn a fire for the warmth and the chill
of freedom
cause i dont need em"

:)

I finally stepped back and realized how sucky of a position i had dug myself into with this whole project. it was easy to get so focused on the money-goal. but you know what.. the money support will just happen if i can enjoy myself and have ppl just as excited as i am about my CD! but if i'm up there worried outta my mind wondering if i can really pull this off.. there's no way i'll be able to convince anyone else, let alone myself, that its possible. but when all this stress was building and pushed me to my limits i realized that i dont NEED other people. that this really is just something that self-fulfills me and i have to let it do that and not get it all mixed up with "success" or $1,000. it's about the music and the love and thats ALL, a product is just a project, a tangible piece of work trying to capture the excitement, the love, the bold expression of life!

i'm totally backk on track. i just practiced 12 songs and recorded them til i did them well on garage band so that i'll be ready this thursday. my throat is quite sore right now, so say a prayer or think really hard about making the little scratchy molecules of bacteria in my throat let go and get pummelled by the goodness of a healthy set of tonsils and vocal chords by this thursday. sometimes i look back and think my struggles are just so silly when i realize what it is i need to accomplish. and i'm beginning the accomplishment. and i'm excited!

Jodi

but why be miserable?

2005-05-14T20:13:00.000-04:00

so it hit me.. when i was singing at the arts festival.. my own lyric from the song "spectacular" jumped out and made a whole lot of sense...

"it's got to be too good, to ever be true... BUT WHY BE MISERABLE? when i can be myself and be happy..."

so it sounds a lil simple but damnit, thats just the truth, why be miserable? being miserable is certainly a choice, and easy choice at times of suckiness. there have been so many elavated events lately. like problems being elavated, awesome things being elavated, emotions, actions, love, loneliness, happiness, performance, listening, like all jumbled in to the past week!

i've almost cried about 6 times today. littlest things were just digging right in the open wound thats been created somehow. no one is really to blame, it's just that ppl i love are making decisions i don't understand, and when ppl i love are upset.. well i'm upset too! and then its hard to separate their pain from my own self, because we're all so connected. usually my awesome friends and i don't have any "drama".. lately has probly been the closest thing to drama that i've experienced with ppl like mike, who i just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with. i think i've been letting my own hurt get in the way of dealing with anything, which is lame and unfortunate, and i would like to get over that and be someone who does something rather than... gets upset about whats not being done/whats not happening.

in the midst of the problems that happen in life with my good friends, which i am reluctant to even refer to as "problems" because they are just things that happen that we're all working through... there's a lot of change going on like EVERYWHERE... and i'm just feeling like a lot of connections are fallling through (because they are), like the person who offered to record my whole CD for free who is now having lots of personal problems and probly won't be able to do it any time soon. i did find a studio that's 20 bucks an hour which is a great deal, and it doesn't look bad. and i might copy less than 1000 CDs because i found a company that does it for less. it's really rough sometimes doing all this stuff. many of you know, i don't like forcing things on ppl or self-promoting, because... it's either really rewarding or just upsetting to promote. i dont know how ppl just promote things, its a discouraging position a lot of the time. I was very happy that Sean Bouman was thoughtful enough to ask about what I was trying to do and participating in the presale for the sake of sponsoring me and what i'm trying to do. people like that, that really do believe in what i'm doing help me out so much. i know 10 bucks seems like a lot when you're like counting down the dollars you have for the rest of the week and it's easy to put off things like prebuying a CD from me, but in the scheme of things, 10 bucks aint too bad, and now i'm up to 10 CD's presold which is 100 bucks towards recording (which i'll now have to pay for).

my previous plan was to record for free and then mass-produce the CD.. which would cost a good 1200 bucks for 1000 copies of the CD, that way.. i'd have to sell 120 CD's to pay off the price... and i wouldn't really expect to make a lot but i'd get a product out that i could be proud of and other ppl could enjoy. soo that's still my plan except i found some other options where i can buy less CDs at a good rate (most places only have good rates when you buy a whooole lot). so this presale will help no matter what i have to do, i just think, now that i'm paying for recording, i should really make sure its a quality recording and that i dont produce shit just to save money... cause the music is much more important than the presentation (though the presentation is also important).

basically.. if you're out there and you support what i'm doing, I would truly appreciate your $10 pre-purchase of my CD that will happen one way or another.. and with your support it will happen without making me poor before i go to college. if you got connections, talk to me, if you don't have connections, just be supportive, i'm honestly just asking for that because this whole process is very trying on me, and i'll make it.. it's definitely tough though.

help a sista out! i'll make a paypal account sometime this week so ppl can buy this CD online. and the website is coming too. i'm working a lot! just gotta keep pushing through. i got thiss.. and i'm gonna enjoy as much of this week and half left of highschool as i can! wow, can't believe it.

SO MUCH CHANNGE! i love it, but it hurts at the same time! all this space has been created in my heartt and i'm wondering what will happen to it when i move away..

peace out,

Jodi

to all the ppl out there tonight who are comforting themselves..

2005-05-10T22:47:00.000-04:00

i'll make this short, i think.. because i'm really tired and inches from sleep on my bed. yet i feel like writing SOMEthing. my hearts feeling a little tender lately, so that its easily bruised and vulnerable and mushy. i'm putting off some sort of breakdown that started sometime yesterday. autopilot works nicely at times, other times my heads just feeling heavy. not quite sure where to go, but i got this alarm thats going to go off ridiculously early screaming "WAKE UP GO TO SCHOOL"... well yeah its really just screming BEEP BEEP BEEP... but you and i both know the true translation.

i have been able to decipher a lot of what the real issues are... and that i'll have to really work through them to get to a point of nice relaxation and motivation and all that great stuff. i'm drained for now though. don't know what to do with myself really, and i think sleep is the answer, but somethings got me sitting here writing instead... i'm just too reluctant to speak about these futile thoughts..

i think on friday i will play: don't forget me, believe me, and maybe. yeah i havent played maybe in a while. history seems to repeat itself with different people. (so what if i write songs to deal with stuff... and sing them to re-deal)

so ani difranco's song recoil says it all right now:

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sitting here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
takin one breath at a time
nothin much goin on...

i just want someone to cuddle with and cry to damnit... "probly just need to be held, thats probly all it is" (more lyrics from ani's song). i'll go to sleep now. not the most comforting blog but i felt compelled for personal reasons to write something, get some of it out.

thank god for good music in times like this.

Jodi

color me THANKFUL

2005-05-08T14:23:00.000-04:00

for so much. last night i just had a GRAND time (as kathleen's mom encouraged) at AHS's prom. as if last week's prom wasn't amazing enough, this weekend just filled me up with so much love and straight GOODNESS. i liked not taking 5 hours to take pictures, i didn't mind that mike and i both couldn't find our IDs and we made everything a little late... i liked eating at a small enough table to engage in real conversation, i liked being the first ones to dance on the dance floor and the view of our silohuettes against a black and white movie on the wall. i liked DANCING all night long with the coolest people ever. I liked traveling in a spacious red van. i liked going to get marshmellows and finding phish food icecream instead.. i liked the campfire in kathleens backyard and creating the background chords for made-up songs that made us cry, and holding on to eachother cuddled up under the stars (spooning is a beautiful thing), could've laid there forever. i liked waking up to the sun on my face and the realization that these lovely people aren't GOING anywhere so soon, and that i get to spend many summer nights just like this.

to all the mom's out there-- thanks for making life possible, because life is a beautiful thing. as we were driving in mike's car, there was this song playing by semisonic.. something with the word "movie" in the title, and it was a sort of quiet deep/interesting song, and i just thought that about how happy it was and it made me want to cry. then i looked down at the ipod and i guess it was the title of the CD this song was off of: "feeling strangely fine" and well, thats how i felt... strangely fine.

i've been thinking lately i abuse the word "weird" or "strange"... cause i just use it for anything i don't have the ability to clearly comprehend. to say i feel strangely fine is interesting, because i can't explain how good i felt the past couple hours with mike, rach, kathleen, and judy.. it's the kind of good if you think about it makes you want to cry, because well... we're all really amazing individuals, and we're about to go on our own journeys, and we all know we need to. it's just wild, like.. so much of me is in them/from them, when i played my graduation song last night kathleen had just said something about her appreciating my gift of music.. and like as soon as she said something it registered with me how.. my music is a part of me and my music can really speak to people, but its who those people are that starts the conversation in the first place and the creation of it all and the continuation of it. without all their encouragement (and this goes out to a lot of people), sure.. i'd still play my guitar, but my songs would be drastically different, and who knows if i'd love it as much as i do.

so i'd like to read/live more to have a better word for those times when i'm "feeling strangely fine"... until then, all i got to say is i love life, and i love the people that make my life, and i love impacting theirs... and that i'm thankful, so THANKS for being part of this process.

maybe its just a little scary to love people this much and know their gonna be across the country next year, man.. you all are going to do amazing things, and so am i. you better believe it.

Jo

big thoughts in a small head

2005-05-06T00:33:00.000-04:00

i'm reading this amazing book "the man who saw the face of god" and it's totally got me lost in lots of philisophical questions. i've underlined things on one out of every 5 pages throughout the whole book because it is just so interesting the life this guy lived that led him to an ever-changing/growing belief system. it's interesting to read about his life, but it makes me anticipate my own life more and more.. like where is it going? whats going on? what do i believe anyway?

i feel lately the inability to be decisive on any type of issue. whether its the morality of ppl drinking/smoking or whether or not christianity is the way, i don't feel like i know enough to draw any type of conclusions about much. sure i have some stances on things, but i feel like as time goes on, i have less and less "stance", and instead i'm letting myself be shaped by my experiences.. which are for the most part under my control. but what does all this mean?

i had AP tests today and the question was quite interesting for the last essay.. it was about people (characters in literature) who inwardly question a lot but outwardly conform.. and in the novels i read, well the internal struggle forged with outward conformity ended in suicide or death for those characters. how sucky.. but it just shows, they couldn't do it, they were too scared to go against the grain, and too idealistic to be happy where they were, so it was constant let down (i'm thinking mostly of that book "the awakening"). but thats like my fear.. not that i'll die or commit suicide, but that i'll be too afraid to go against the grain, too afraid to boldly go where nobody in the family has gone-- the thing is, i dont even know where the place i'm going is.. but for some reason i feel like whatever i choose to do outside the realms of the christain world just isn't okay, when i'd really prefer to see beyond the limitations of religion... into some idea that God is real and huge and in every experience we could have, prayer time aside.

i say big thoughts in a small head because i do also feel quite small.. that if someone were to sit here and fire questions at me i'd have no way of responding, no backbone or reserve or defense. and thats great, because being vulnerable at times is important in life, in order to be open with ppl you have to learn to be vulnerable and i value that. i just got to work in some general direction of development, i guess i've been so concerned with eliminating restrictions and being sure not to judge people that its difficult to discern now.. all i do know is that i don't want my life to be run on some list of do's and dont's set by myself or especially others becaause i feel there is more to life than fulfilling criteria for some ambigous or self-satisfying goal (heaven/to "please god").. i have this hope that maybe pleasing god is achieved through faithfully acknowledging and giving validity to every step of my life down to the most human desires/hopes/fears.. rather than feeling small or inadequate in the downcast view of super-christains.

kind of like the ani difranco song, "what if no ones watching" which sings: "i mean what, what if no ones watching? what if when we're dead, we are just dead? and what, what if god ain't looking down, what if he's looking up instead?.. i can't apologize for everything i know... we have to be able to criticize what we love, say what we have to say, and if you're not trying to make something better than as far as i'm concerned you're just in the way"... well i just love that, esp that last part. so what she's saying is that if "no one was watching" or like counting the wrongs and rights; if there was no god, we would have to rely on ourselves to make anything good happen in the world. so i'm sure there's a way to believe in god and to also take action in this world to see to it to make something better through our own actions. but really... isn't the same thing achieved whether you're ani difranco or a christian missionary? what the heck does it matter if i have all the facts straight, whether i can define god the same way someone else can? is it just to connect with a group of people? and if all people are supposed to be equal, why is it so important which group i identify with?

i think i'd rather connect with individuals.. and their personal interpretations.. than try to conform to a larger mass. maybe my head isn't so small after all, but i'm sure there are people who would inform me otherwise with the facts, its just that i'm not so sure i even want to hear them... unless you want to get to know me, lets not get bogged down with setting standards. i like relationships based on love and acceptance, not some daunting humiliating judgment, i just gotta find my ground and hold on.. or do i even need to define my territory? i feel i've gotten somewhere through just writing this. what a strange thing this whole blog is... it's like making public a conversation to myself! now's when i debate whether or not to hit publish, i guess it's that feeling of "oh no, not everyone will agree with me!" but the truth is.. well the truth is ppl don't always agree and that is a damn good thing that i'll face. right now!

what would you do with it..

2005-05-02T22:27:00.000-04:00

so tony campolo came to my house today.. he co-authored a book with my dad called adventures in missing the point and speaks all over the country and runs lots and lots and lots of different programs to help the poor and educate people around the world. I had the pleasure of sharing dinner with him and then attending some open question service our church held. So we were at dinner and the city of Camden came up in conversation to which I brought up my visit to the camden house with chris haw and his crew and how amazing that program was and how it was really good to see them living in this horrible place and enduring and accomplishing so much. so tony is like... we have a program in camden, i'm sending you information on it, you can go this summer, just raise money from your church and then we'll pay your expenses here and you'll make enough money to get you going off to college through donations.

now.. i don't even know if i'm up for something as crazy as Camden or what i'd be useful for there.. but just hearing- "you can do it, make it happen for yourself, i'll help" sounded so wonderful to me. and i sat there and thought... well if i could really not work this summer, i'd love to go explore the bounds of songwriting/performing/driving around with the CDs i hope to mass produce in the near future....

finally promoted that in my blog! lol. i loved sitting in at this open discussion at my church as well. tony was talking about college or something and how you'll forget most of the stuff you learn and that its important to major in "people not subjects." and i loved hearing THAT too... i mean that's what i DO, i major in PEOPLE, relationships, conversations, learning, listening to real people with real stories and real passion. even studying english is like... literature about people and their struggles/triumphs/thoughts/experiences. so tony also does motivational speaking and even though this wasnt one of his motivational speeches, and he talked mostly about important political issues and where religion comes in to play with all of them... i definitely felt very motivated while listening to go out and do something good in the world. it's not enough to see all thats wrong with america and the system and society.. one has to engage and change something. i still feel so distant from christianity that it's hard to picture myself engaging in evangelical mission work. so i don't know where to go from here, but there is much that can be done with these moments. i'm all about that NOW thing. (saying yes to the moment is saying yes to eternity.. go watch "waking life" if you wanna know more about that statement). i basically want to LIVE each day fully without limiting myself.

so all this mind-stimulation is wonderful... and at the same time making studying for AP tests seem like a sluggish activity i'd rather not engage in right now! something tells me it's going to work out, i do feel bad for how much money these tests cost, but there's more to life than money, and that is damn good to know.

so if you want to free yourself of $10, it'll help me mass-produce my lovely CD this June. post a comment, send me an email with your name and address, we'll get this thing rolling together.

if you haven't re-evaluated what you could be doing with your life, now is the perfect opportunity. i see a whole lot in store for myself and its up to me to make it happen. and who knows? maybe i will go chill with poor people and help out. i would like to see some more good in the world and that kind of thing might just have to start right here in my actions. it's worth considering the different directions our lives can go based on our decisions.

Jodi