not just another manic monday

yeah its monday already, and i had to write this english paper, but i didnt have the same like.. stress to finish it. it's been an interesting weekend, one that makes me feel like my lifes changing a little bit. like the plates of the earth shifting around, i've kind of been shifting ideals, swishing them around in my mouth, deciding whether or not to swallow them.

and i'm listening to the counting crows, thats nice.


in church today i had this realization about how a lot of this whole message churches pump out is based on our society. and i'm totally trying to separate that.. not just with church cause i honestly dont think about church/god in the same conventional way i used to. but everywhere. like i feel like theres a set of phrases people answer eachother with. and i start hearing in my head the way to respond to any person, like i could do it before they open their mouths, if i wanted to blend in with the crowd i know just how to do it.


if i wanted to blend in with society/expectations, i would've done my damn english paper already, and its 12:49 am... and i'm okay, and "okay" isn't some state people need to ask "you're just okay?"... okay is just as valid as great or awesome, or shitty. i really want to get away from societies conceptions and find my own. my own thoughts i can share with people and not feel like a damn answering machine when i respond.

i thought it was funny, the stamp they used to stamp our hands at Nation last night said "ORIGINAL".. sometimes the two worlds of being original and stamping hands (the S and the N maybe), just feel like they do not belong together. and i feel "difficult" for having all these thoughts about society and whatnot.. i mean to an extent ppl will say ooh just shut up and do your paper and go to sleep, stop being lazy. but the thing is, i know i'm not lazy. i'd rather not write a paper restating other ppls opinions tonight, so instead i wrote this. and i dont want a letter grade or a stamp of approval. i just want to be here, and be breathing, and appreciating every second of it. so what if it took being in my room for a few hours to finally phase out of TV talk and bullshit. i'm performing 3 times this week as long as my car will make it in the snow. this is my life.