a night to myself

after a thought-filled day in DC with friends and cousins of friends, and a visit to the Post Secret Exhibit in Georgetown (www.postsecret.blogspot.com), I came home to an empty clean house. all my siblings are back in their homes/college, dads out of town, mom was at the umd basketball game, therefore no one was in the house to make it a mess, not even my sisters dog, Kito.

I've been seeing people most of my waking moments, so an empty house felt relieving, i sang made up songs that i now have forgotten and learned "wise up" by aimee mann on guitar. i wrote in my journal about my reflections of today. it's good having a journal. it's my way of being honest with myself when i'm not sure how to communicate it to people.

i think something a friend of mine told me before i came back to md has really stuck with me... she said how she loves when life makes you feel stuck or puts something in the way you have no clue how to deal with, because then you're actually feeling something or dealing with something... even though in the moment you might not be so "thankful" for the hard time, without hard times you just kind of coast...

there are some things i could stress about...

i think when i'm around people i feel obligated to talk, even when the most appropriate thing in my mind is to be silent, so instead of being silent, i'll end up bringing up something i'm stressed about-something i barely really care about, just to talk.

so alone in my house i decided not to stress, and to just let it be okay that my head is full of a bunch of stuff thats hard to untangle and make concise. i made mac and cheese... i haven't done that in a while. i ate dark chocolate, and i wrote in my journal. i don't quite feel better yet, or i'm still a little unsettled... (of course i'm unsettled, i know i'm going back to school in a week, but i'm still here for a week... and i have no real obligations, except to read this book i haven't started, maybe the book symbolizes school, and since i'm not THERE, its hard for me to read it here). you try to just be where you are, but the past and the future are constantly blending with right now.