self critical

i am so self critical! sooo self critical.

i've sort of beat myself up about all this ridiculous feelings i've felt this week. why did i expect so much? why was i soo idealistic and hopeful? why can't i get any work done when i'm an emotional wreck? why can't i talk to ppl when i'm really really upset and confused? why haven't i done laundry in time so i dont have to be wearing one dirty sock today? i'll spare you the rest of the things i don't especially love about myself. i think that's what this whole relationship not working out comes down to. i'd be FINE if i could just remember all the great things about myself and really feel like they matter over the approval or disapproval of any one else. that's the hardest thing to do. when you got someone sitting there admiring all these wonderful things about you and then wanting to hold onto that and take their freedom so that you can just have that support there all the time. but that's not fair really. i need to do that for myself! i don't need a cheerleader, well sure i like i having that a whole lot, but don't we all like to be praised for who we really are?

who i really am still remains... even when those words die or drift.

so i was really bitter at first and just like -- of course this didn't work out. thinking it was a mark on my character for expecting something else.


i just had a quick epiphany after zoning out after writing that sentence. i'm sitting here listening to ani difranco because she makes me feel better. and i sort of thought how there are ppl (yes.. this is a sad fact to acknowledge in my life) who don't like ani difranco, or would see my little self-therapy session right now as being a bit trite or shallow. but to that i say it's all how you see it! it's sort of like Opera Winfrey-- she's doing sooo many great things in this world and ppl still look at her as being shallow or self-fulfilling. or like i read an article in the pio log today that was the "devils advocate" against thanksgiving, saying we're just saying what we're thankful for at the dinner table so we can get on with eating the delicious food while other ppl are starving. and i read it and thought, well i do say what i'm thankful for at other times in my life, and it's a good practice to do! it is what you make it. and i guess that there will always be that devils advocate somewhere in the outside world, and really somewhere within ourselves for everything we ever decide to do. but that we have to let ourselves be justified despite that.

yes i listen to ani when i'm upset! but atleast i know how to get through being upset! it works for me.

it just takes a better understanding of our nature as humans. we're not complete-- we need things outside ourselves, and that is not a flaw. it is something to be considered, not laughed at. if what we need is to start a talk show that is meant to help other ppl and thats what we get from the outside world, i think that's an incredible way of being human.

so besides listening to ani right now, i'm happy about who i am. these are some things about myself i feel good about:

-that i can write down how i'm feeling and make music out of it. this is a huge one because it's such a part of who i am. and it's such an accomplishment to be able to work through a song that ends up being filled with meaning that someone can hear and maybe understand and feel understood. i could go on forever about this. i started writing a song yesterday.

-that i can laugh when i'm crying

-that i really do just want to LOVE.

-that i have dreams

-that i moved across the country to an amazing city without knowing anyone, and i've met a lot of great people who i love like family.

-that i might be music coordinator for the co-op and im gonna do a really good job at it.

-that despite my procrastination, i'm going to sit down and get everything done that i need to get done. (and i have to know that about myself even if no one else really does know, it's easy to forget that i can do this and i will).

-that i can sing a high G, and i know where to draw it on a staff of music. (i can read music now!)

-i'm growing.



i don't want to be so self critical anymore. and i don't have to be.

whew. and ani sings on. and my song keeps getting written. and i'll get my work done once i relax and let myself focus. yesss