be yourself.

that's a nice cliche phrase that'll grab your attention... the forever-given dating advice. it's not such a bad idea you know, to be yourself all the time. let's take dating as the prime example. why wouldn't you be yourself when dating? probably because you're trying to impress someone, and you're willing to act as someone you think they'd be impressed by rather than be yourself. you're looking for outward affirmation, and being yourself comes from within who you are no matter who's watching. so the main competetor with "being yourself" is being accepted by others. now of course there are times when you are yourself and someone is impressed by who you are, whether its in dating or in friendship. but because of all the initial complication of who we are when we're trying to impress ppl (which i don't see as a bad thing--if we weren't trying to impress ppl, would we ever reach out at all?)... it's hard to know what being yourself even means. naturally we're inclined to be self-conscious around new people, theres a lot of easy ways to get lost in who we're not in order to ultimately find who we are.


as i sit in my bed at home and reflect over the past 3 months, and the past weekend here, i have felt much more myself and much more comfortable being myself than i ever knew i could feel. there's ppl from my high school (who i dont know very well) who i used to feel uncomfortable around who i would sort of act differently towards, or feel isolated around-- but this weekend its as if all those boundaries of popularity or differences had melted away. i have a lot of experiences under my belt that i can talk about that mean something to me (this whole college experience in portland), and i'm comfortable with who i'm becoming.

i still have that natural inclination to want to impress people who i think are great. but there's no bitterness anymore in being who i am. the more i create and accept who i am, the more other ppl will be able to atleast get a clear view of me to know how they feel towards me...

i was having a conversation the other day with leana about how when ppl do things they are passionate about that spring from who they are, other ppl benefit so much from that, other ppl are actually impacted. and the opposite is true as well (with teaching and other things). i think we ended up saying-- who ELSE is gonna be you? there's no one like you on this earth, so you had better be yourself and do something you're passionate about.

i've been thankful for so much this thanksgiving-- for the ppl who've filled my heart and helped me discover my identity, for the countless experiences that have challenged me, for nights in the arms of a beautiful guy, for growth and feeling like i've come a long way to a better place... and that i'm not done "getting" to that "better place" that can only get better and sweeter and more full of life the more i live and experience life as me. with all my preferences, dreams, passions, inspirations, and joy. thats what i'm here to do.