big thoughts in a small head

i'm reading this amazing book "the man who saw the face of god" and it's totally got me lost in lots of philisophical questions. i've underlined things on one out of every 5 pages throughout the whole book because it is just so interesting the life this guy lived that led him to an ever-changing/growing belief system. it's interesting to read about his life, but it makes me anticipate my own life more and more.. like where is it going? whats going on? what do i believe anyway?

i feel lately the inability to be decisive on any type of issue. whether its the morality of ppl drinking/smoking or whether or not christianity is the way, i don't feel like i know enough to draw any type of conclusions about much. sure i have some stances on things, but i feel like as time goes on, i have less and less "stance", and instead i'm letting myself be shaped by my experiences.. which are for the most part under my control. but what does all this mean?

i had AP tests today and the question was quite interesting for the last essay.. it was about people (characters in literature) who inwardly question a lot but outwardly conform.. and in the novels i read, well the internal struggle forged with outward conformity ended in suicide or death for those characters. how sucky.. but it just shows, they couldn't do it, they were too scared to go against the grain, and too idealistic to be happy where they were, so it was constant let down (i'm thinking mostly of that book "the awakening"). but thats like my fear.. not that i'll die or commit suicide, but that i'll be too afraid to go against the grain, too afraid to boldly go where nobody in the family has gone-- the thing is, i dont even know where the place i'm going is.. but for some reason i feel like whatever i choose to do outside the realms of the christain world just isn't okay, when i'd really prefer to see beyond the limitations of religion... into some idea that God is real and huge and in every experience we could have, prayer time aside.

i say big thoughts in a small head because i do also feel quite small.. that if someone were to sit here and fire questions at me i'd have no way of responding, no backbone or reserve or defense. and thats great, because being vulnerable at times is important in life, in order to be open with ppl you have to learn to be vulnerable and i value that. i just got to work in some general direction of development, i guess i've been so concerned with eliminating restrictions and being sure not to judge people that its difficult to discern now.. all i do know is that i don't want my life to be run on some list of do's and dont's set by myself or especially others becaause i feel there is more to life than fulfilling criteria for some ambigous or self-satisfying goal (heaven/to "please god").. i have this hope that maybe pleasing god is achieved through faithfully acknowledging and giving validity to every step of my life down to the most human desires/hopes/fears.. rather than feeling small or inadequate in the downcast view of super-christains.

kind of like the ani difranco song, "what if no ones watching" which sings: "i mean what, what if no ones watching? what if when we're dead, we are just dead? and what, what if god ain't looking down, what if he's looking up instead?.. i can't apologize for everything i know... we have to be able to criticize what we love, say what we have to say, and if you're not trying to make something better than as far as i'm concerned you're just in the way"... well i just love that, esp that last part. so what she's saying is that if "no one was watching" or like counting the wrongs and rights; if there was no god, we would have to rely on ourselves to make anything good happen in the world. so i'm sure there's a way to believe in god and to also take action in this world to see to it to make something better through our own actions. but really... isn't the same thing achieved whether you're ani difranco or a christian missionary? what the heck does it matter if i have all the facts straight, whether i can define god the same way someone else can? is it just to connect with a group of people? and if all people are supposed to be equal, why is it so important which group i identify with?

i think i'd rather connect with individuals.. and their personal interpretations.. than try to conform to a larger mass. maybe my head isn't so small after all, but i'm sure there are people who would inform me otherwise with the facts, its just that i'm not so sure i even want to hear them... unless you want to get to know me, lets not get bogged down with setting standards. i like relationships based on love and acceptance, not some daunting humiliating judgment, i just gotta find my ground and hold on.. or do i even need to define my territory? i feel i've gotten somewhere through just writing this. what a strange thing this whole blog is... it's like making public a conversation to myself! now's when i debate whether or not to hit publish, i guess it's that feeling of "oh no, not everyone will agree with me!" but the truth is.. well the truth is ppl don't always agree and that is a damn good thing that i'll face. right now!