learning how to pray again

this post could potentially be a book... the sum of today is that incredible. i feel like i've kind of gotten in trouble for posting too openly at times, and well.. there's some things one shouldn't openly reveal about other people. to say the least, my mom's been having a hard time lately with the meds she's been on for her anxiety. she's been kind of down, and i don't mean in a way that needs more/new medication.. this down is perfectly healthy, and i love her for it.

today's been full of a lot of downs. mrs. freed died a year ago today. joey told me in second period and i sat there contemplating, staring, without many words, just personal silence in a clumsily loud room. he told me there was a candle lighting service outside in the front of the school today... the same place she collapsed a year ago before she was taken to the hospital, unconscious, dead. i had other plans tonight.. really important things like being inducted into spanish national honors society, a songwriters meeting, and some informal celebration of rachel's birthday which was also today (not a "down" of the day). yet those things immediately sank behind the occasion i felt most connected to... and that was this outdoor candle lighting.

i have to say today has been the most beautiful day i've seen in a long time. the sunset was no set back, and as jake pointed out, as it passed through the clouds it looked like a lighthouse... with a red base and streams of light jumping towards us like arms. sure it took some imagination to see all of this, but i didnt mind smiling through teary eyes at the thought of mrs. freed's beauty being laid upon us on the somber day for many. the thing about mrs. freed though, i can't stay sad about her for too long. i don't mean this in a horrible way, i really mean it because she was like the most positive person to be around! she was just such a positive influence in the short amount of time she occupied my life during 3rd period on A days. so when i think that she's died, it's almost okay because she actually DID something amazing with every day of her life, which is exactly what i want to do, and what she has instilled in so many people!

anyway.. this idea of prayer kept popping into my head today. my mom said her friend was praying for her and something very ironic came up... and then people spoke during the candle lighting thing about the faith they gained from mrs. freed and that same idea came to mind and i cried because these people needed her assurance, and she helped them so much. seeing teachers and my principal and mrs. freeds husband talk through tears about these beautiful experiences they had had in the past just really was beautiful.. as painful as it was, it was beautiful.

i haven't prayed in a realllly long time. i can't remember the last time i did, it's like i forgot how to do it and mean it... so if i dont mean it, i'm not gonna just do it. but i atleast believed in prayer tonight. i believed in it as a way for people to be consciously thinking about another person and connecting with them on different levels than is possible without "prayer". yes i say connecting with people, rather than god, because that's how it seems real to me now, like... a friend that prays for a friend and then they both realize something. it's just a way to hope, and then be thankful... which i do a lot. and i'm so thankful and hopeful all the time about so so many things.

i'm not completely doing this blog justice because i dont want to write a book in here... today was a day i just really connected and loved life.. i still dont know how to "pray" because so much of that concept has changed for me, and i can't force it. but i'm really seeing its beauty.

i'll look with fond memories on tonight... i'll just say... the hope rained down on me in the form of school sprinklers after long walks in the dark. and nothing can replace the fullness of today. amazing how you can feel so empty and full all at once. how so many "bad things" can be happening and the good is right there at the same time smiling through bleary eyes... someone can feel so lost and disconnected yet be pieced together by the consideration of thought from another. life is wonderful. mrs. freed's life was wonderful, therefore, i know my life is and can be wonderful. :)


and the journey goes on...

Jodi