so MUCH

man.. it has been sooo good listening to david wilcox's "live songs and stories" album! i am just empathizing with him talking about song-writing and loving people and working through things, all his ideas and his songs are just hitting home, that CD is worth buying, it's like 11.99 on itunes for 20 tracks, and if it doesn't change SOMEthing if your life or make you think differently about something, well then i'd love to talk about it some more because it's just great! he's like the wise, successful, older, male version of me.

i am so thankful for the friendships i have, it is insane how much i grow from just listening to my friends talk. it's like in wilcox's song "good together" when he says--

"would you please explain it one more time,
i like the wild surprise of seeing through your eyes"

he explains the whole process of thinking your right when you're in an argument.. and then you listen to the other side and it makes SO much sense, you forget what you were even trying to argue. and in that way the relationship is like this line--

"i know you're good for me, you spin me off my tether,
you change me for the better, we're good together."


so i'm really working on things for myself, and my friends, and it's lots of work... and i mess up when i'm trying to help, but then i learn, and it's worth it. it's always worth it to try to do what you think is right, and if you find out its wrong, then well, you learn something. this life isn't about playing it safe, it's about helping people out, and using your talents to do something good in this world. then sometimes you give too much in places that are draining and get let down (me with guy relationships recently), and you have to take some steps back and protect your heart a little more. but once you're better, you always have to love again. i know from the love my friends have given to me that it can change my heart (especially you, rach, and whenever you guys read this-- thank you so much, every word has made an impact on me).

and for everyone else who may be reading, good relationships are very possible, but it starts with what you can give and it takes a lot of work (relationships being great friendships, and/or great relationships). my parents keep saying how i have such good friends, and i know they are the most amazing ppl i know, but the reason the friendships are good is because of the time thats put in and being able to listen. so going to college changes everything about the time aspect of the friendships, and thats why it's hard to get back home after not being around for eachother nearly as much, and just wanting to jump in and figure out whats going on on those deeper levels, and realizing all our deeper things going on are so very different. so any assumptions i make about the friendship usually proves to be false, so i'm constantly having these-

ooooh! moments, THAAT's what you're saying, THAT's whats going on, and it's like YES, i've only said it 20 times in a bunch of different ways! and then something changes.

here i am thinking that this break there's not a lot going on- i don't have a job, i don't have school work, i can stay up late and sleep in, i dont have a curfew. when there's always so much going on when you have a heart like this. my mom was explaining it to me about how NF's are able to feel incredible levels of sadness, but the return is that you can find so much joy in the littlest things in life, so it's a trade off, and most people will say they wouldn't trade the bad times for the good. and i'm right there with it.

my mom and i listened to david wilcox together and she was just blown away by the way he thinks, and she said how it took her til she was 40 to learn that emotions have a purpose, they're actually there for a reason. so in those ways i feel lucky, for being so aware of these things. and sometimes that ability really weighs on me, like with the post secret exhibit where i just started to feel the pain of all those people and all those secrets, but it's alright. i'm just a very sensitive person that picks up on the struggle and the pain, and i know that i'm like that because when i feel that pain i want to DO something, i get the motivation to do anything as long as it has the potential of doing good.

i think this blog is like a friend for me... in the way that my guitar is a friend. i have a lot on my heart, and these are mediums that i can use to feel like these things on my heart are there for a reason, i have emotions for a purpose. i really want to be a songwriter, i want to tour the country, i want to fall in love with someone who's good for me, i want to help people out. i'm always going to care, its just who i am to care about things (or people) that i feel are important-- but it takes learning to accept that about me to be able to turn that caring into positive action. because sometimes i wish i didn't care and its self-defeating to wish for that. so i love when i'm able to do something positive with this caring burden. or when i see other people doing something positive with who they are. it makes all the difference. we're all at different points in our journey of accepting/figuring out who we are, and then doing something good... and we all have the capacity for lots to change inside, so we just have to go forward or go inward or go westward (to school!) or go outward (giving). my life is full because of who i am and my potential and all these chances to interact with great people and learn. i'm thankful for all of it. soo thankful. and conveniently, i need to express those thanks to people in my life. like my parents and my best friends and my new friends and my parents friends in portland. there's always someplace to go in life. you just have to trust your heart sometimes.