exhale (reflect!) and get ready for more

so i had the chance today to just go downtown ALONE, and it felt so great! i was in a good mood in the morning, krista and i were going to go to the bridge but we missed the shuttle, and the next shuttle would have us arriving after the service, so we decided to put on our garden clothes and plant some seeds. that in itself was pretty cool because i had forgotten all about that whole process of life that is everywhere around us (especially in this lucious green area of oregon), this PLANT LIFE and plant GROWTH and how this tiny seed will turn into a head of lettuce you can chop up and make salad out of. more interesting than that... the soil that seed is in was composted and made out of things like, paper, coffee, hair, pretty much anything! all this dead stuff decomposing and filled with worms and bugs is what a little tiny seed needs to start its beautiful green life.

so after gardening, we went to brunch... ate a lot, stole a chocolate chip bagel (my favorite!) which came in handy later, and came back to my room, checking the shuttle schedule, 40 minutes til the next shuttle. then i paid my BLOG a visit... i clicked on the month of october 2004. rachael had told me how she read through her blog and i realized that i really havent! and there's so much cooool stuff i thought about in highschool. just reading it made it CLEAR that i MUST stop reading in time to get on the shuttle to go downtown. it was reaffirming to read these previous times that i would write about, and notice that my mind has always been THINKING a lot, and sitting around in places where it's not thinking new things is not making the most of my self and my brain. so i LEFT! with no plan in mind. except i looked up where stumptown coffee was... because i've always heard a lot about it. so i walked towards it... and passed by it.. because it didn't look like where i wanted to be.

and ever since last weekend i've really wanted to sit down and listen to someone, a stranger, a homeless person, somebody that had something possibly worthwhile to hear that i just wasn't taking the time to hear in all my other days. soo, i found this place called "backspace" that todd fadel had told me about. i walked in, and it was really cool, a few couches near the windows, lots of space, and then this whole other room with video games and computer games or something, and some other rooms in the back and pool tables. there was no where to sit except on a big couch with this guy. so i asked if i could sit down.. he says sure. he's probably in his late 30's or early 40's, moved his stuff, was being really considerate. and just started talking to me. i guess we started talking about this place, and how he liked it because lots of different peopel come here, and he likes all different types of people. so i sat there, asked a few questions, and before i know it, i'm hearing bits of his life story. he grew up in nevada, but really didn't like it there, he decides to go to portland... and for the first three months he couldn't find jobs, didn't have a place to stay, was living on the streets. i asked if he was friends with other ppl on the streets and he sort of shook his head. he said he hung out with a few other guys because he felt safe around them, but they weren't making good decisions with their life. he never asked for money on the street... instead he went to find places to take showers and wash his clothes and set up as many job interviews as he could. after three months of struggling with that he got an apartment.

now he works 3 jobs, and lives in this appartment, and owns a tv and lots of clothes. he tries to save money to go on little trips. he was a very hardworking interesting person! i asked him what happened to his friends on the street, he said they're still there... they don't want to work, they don't want to try, all they do is drink. he was saying not to just give people money on the street. i was explaining how i want to acknowledge people on the street, but not necessarily give them money. i dont know, just to like acknowledge that they are a human being and they are alive, i think that means something, and its important to do.

anyway, my talk with him was so perfect, came at just the right time, taught me some things about hard work, and the world outside of having someone else to help pay for things. and how people so different can still relate to trying to take action to make life better for yourself. no amount of handouts will make you feel better about your life, you have to choose to make it better.

he left to go to his job... he wants to be a soup chef, but was going in to do dishwashing for someone who called in sick. "it's what you gotta do sometimes to show you're a reliable worker." i passed no judgments about this guy, i was just really happy to have such a nice conversation with actual substance to it. we all have such interesting lives and i feel like they are put aside or held back in order to hold up this "cool" appearance, some generic socially acceptable life... not like that's how it has to be, but thats how it feels a lot of the time, and it's so much BETTER to speak from your heart and talk about your experiences and not say what you think will be popular or acceptable, but to say something that is uniquely yours, that you can stand behind.

i wrote in my journal for pages and pages, i didn't check the time for a while. i did my music theory homework because i sort of like writing 4 part chorales, they are like a puzzle. and then... i worked on memorizing a robert frost poem for poetry class. i really love my classes here, they are really good classes, i'm glad i'm memorizing this poem. i'm glad i'm able to go into the city and sit down at a place like backspace and have a conversation with a complete stranger, and not feel attached or expected to be any other way than i am. i fell asleep uncontrollably on the shuttle back to campus, i kept just drifting into dreams and before ik now it my mouths wide open and my head is back and i'm still on a bus, jolting my head back up. i took a nap in my bed, a really short nap, just to get all that sleepiness out of me, and after that, i had a fresh energy inside. like anything i was about to do would be okay, and that i have so much ability inside of myself... and i love to LAUGH at dinner and hear stories and tell stories, and tell strange and horrible jokes that pop into my head. i love accepting peoples weird quirks and seeing all the differences of individuals come out to make an awesome group interaction. i love walking down the street alone and not expecting a damn thing from the world around me, and knowing that i have enough, and that the peopel around me are enough, and the city of portland is enough "the world owes me nothing" (ani difranco)... "and we owe eachother the world."

there's an awesome hugh prather quote that i want to share with you from a book i found at a used book store this week. (YES! for those kinds of experiences... when things fall into place! like today, and like thursday when krista and i rode bikes to sellwood and i found this book at a used book store, it's called "notes on love and courage"

here's the line i though of while walking back from backspace/powell's (i stopped at powell's, my dads book were on the display shelf-- 2 of them! weirdness, but very very cool). and when i thought of this line i just wanted to CRY because it's so beautiful and true, and it made every person that walked or drove past me seem so incredible and important.

"Are there any wholly useless encounters? I know this: there are no insignificant people. There is no one who isn't supposed to be there." - hugh prather


i don't know what the end conclusion is, or if there ever is an end conclusion as long as we're still living, but i do know that i am so thankful for this afternoon to myself, and for a conversation with a stranger, and a dinner full of laughter. and the ongoing assurance that who i am is most important to what i do... and those things put together are GREAT, no matter who knows or acknowledges it, i must know that its great! i'm so great. i neeeded today. thank gooodness. alright i'm going to go to south campus with laura to see the dafodils. :) go do something awesome--

jo