to the root

I am the luckiest person in the world-- tomorrow I'm going to ITALY... my home I've yet to experience :) and really, i'm so happy. Its strange because the past day or couple of days i've been very out of it, like i hear whats going on around me but my head is totally in italy and inside the journal i'm bringing along and plan to pack with art/sketches/poetry that will create something to make my heart stir when i read it in years to come. i'm just so ALIVE, even if i didnt sleep at all last night (due to a late night viewing of I Heart Huckabees-- thanks to Judy cause she bought it for me for my bday and i love it and i love her!) and i'm super tired, but my mind is still alive. even if i can't make small talk or seem to be able to spit out the names of the colleges i've made it into without it feeling like quite an obligation (don't get me wrong, i'm thankful, but it does get repetative). basically i have no idea how others have seen me in the past couple days cause i go from extreme excitement to extreme- get me out of here! mode and my facial expressions don't hide much.

i feel like there are a lot of not so good things surrounding me that i've yet to define.. that sounds strange but i really feel it, some kind of angst, maybe in my house? and maybe its just me... regardless its the sort of feeling that if it could live and be a person would be like a person you see and recognize in the same clothing store and stagnantly try to avoid coming into contact with (without making it obvious that you're avoiding it). maybe the person/feeling is the church and i'm shyly holding up a tie rack to escape the downcast looks. for example, its holy thursday (i think) and there is a stations of the cross thing going on at my church tonight. my mind and body are completely nottt in the state to walk the stations of the cross, because i've almost decided to make this a foreign thing to me, so that maybe when i come back to it later, if i come back to it later, it can be something new and meaningful. if i went tonight, it would be for show-- it would be because other ppl expect me to be there. then you say well what about god? shouldnt you go because of easter/ because of jesus? I don't know. call me selfish, but i'll just call it my need for sincerity, i'm not really feeling like going... and i want to believe thats okay. and that god freakin understands. is that too much to ask?

now for my naive little guilty conscious to pack my bags. i'm listening to the format and really enjoying it a lot. remniscent of dashboard without the raw/bitterness... totally chilled out and mellow. thats where i'm at on my italy-eve, awaiting pure joy, because really... i love the country so much, and to have my 5 senses experience this to compliment my emotional attachment to the country, i can't even imagine. lol i could take a sex metaphor or something for that (sex is something held in high regard but for me atleast i havent yet experienced the physicality of it). to my last day of italian-travel-virginity! cheers.



Jo