things that make me cry

i've had a headache ever since i went out to my car which was parked on the street and had to bend over to get under the tree branches... at which point i opened the door right into my face! the corner of the door hit near my eye.. and i just sat in the thickness of the hot day trying not to cry.

i went to rachael's tonight with a huge bag from ikea that was filled with wooden framed mirrors and picture frames awaiting paint jobs. i opened the door to someone yelling at somebody, and made my way up to her room. rach was in a bad mood, with many justifiable reasons to be. i can never think of what to say when bad situations are at hand, so i sometimes awkwardly laugh, or sometimes i say the first cliche that pops into my head, sometimes i just listen... the truth is, i feel the pain of my closest friends, and i just want to cry. (yet something in me knows that crying wouldn't solve anything, and really, it'd take attention of the person who "needs it"... unless the person just needs to cry too, i'm getting ahead of myself).

we were sitting on rachael's bed (kathleen and i), and mike was on the floor and rachael was standing up, and josh was on the couch, and 6 mirrors are painted on the floor... and kathleen asks if anyone heard what happened with amanda quigg's dad... then came news that he died almost a week ago. "SHIT!" were my honest first words blurted out. then a really upset face, and, "oh my god." I haven't seen amanda quigg in a long time, and i haven't hung out with her in an even longer time, but we were really close in 10th grade and i've learned so much from her in that amount of time we spent together. she's the strongest person i know. it's sad to think of her having another person die in her life, but there's more to the story than that, her dad has been sick for a long time, her mom has always taken care of him, he may have been headed for a nursing home of some sort... this is a phase that the family has awaited. still, i just feel like quigg's loss is my loss too, because i love quigg so much. (i know these other details because i talked to quigg since i've gotten home.. just had to IM her, she's such an amazing person and i love her!)

i called joey while at rachael's to see if he knew more than i did about quigg's dad, and he didn't know much more. then came that phrase spoken way too much for action to feel comfortable about.. the "let's hang out." i really will hang out with joey, like something meaningful and good before summer ends.

summer is ending.


i went back to rachael's room, everyone is talking, but i can't really focus on what they're saying, i lay back on the bed and look up at the ceiling (the one part of rachael's room that is plain and simple and blank, aside from the draped yellow sheet), and this sadness just kept coming with thoughts of people i love but haven't talked to or told i love (quigg was the first in mind). and then i look back down shaking the tears back and reconnecting to the conversation.

the conversation has shifted to the road trip rach and i have been planning for the past 2 weeks. it's the best thing we've ever planned and decided to do. it has changed our gloomy mood and transformed it into beautiful picture frames and to-be-greeting-cards (to be sold on the road), it has led us to discover the online version of asheville NC and hostels and open mic nights, it's given us something to look forward to. rachael's dad does NOT want her to go, it's come to the point that he will not let her go. we talk about how we really want to go, and if mike and kathleen can come than maybe we can go (its safer with 4 ppl). i start to think about the fact that it might not actually happen, tears swell again.

"this could be the last big thing we all do together"... "what day are you guys going to college?" ... a week before me. more tears swell. this time i'm not staring at the ceiling. "what's wrong? are you thinking about quigg's dad? are you going to miss us?"

yes. "it's okay to cry" ... i look at josh considering the awkwardness he's feeling, but can't really hold back, there aren't words really, so mike just gave me a hug, and i cried on his long sleeved shirt on rachael's bed.

i felt okay, comforted, accepted, just what i needed.

more people came over, i had to go home, i get into my car, turn around, turn right out of rachael's street, as i've done so many times, and the road gets blurry, and the windshield wipers aren't to blame. i'm sobbing... and thinking how do people really "deal" with things? is crying about it dealing with it? it doesn't feel like crying about it is really doing anything at all. this is hard. i can't imagine what quigg is going through, i just want to do something positive for her, i'll give her a CD, how do we DEAL with things? none of this will exist how it does right now. i love joey, i love quigg, i never see them.. i won't have excuses to see them, especially not in portland. so much is changing. i can't stop crying. thank god no one has to see/hear me, because i sound like the 4 year old child i heard crying/screaming in ikea the other day that just gave everyone in the store a headache. i don't feel sorry for myself, i feel compelled, at a loss, sad, when it came to the road trip i kept thinking of that phrase on the back of football t-shirts at reservoir, WINN (When If Not Now?). and i just want to be able to live now, and go down south, and live.

i make it to my bed sobbing again, wondering how i'm going to do anything positive if i can't even stop myself from crying so much. i open my computer and sort of hypnotically open IM, knowing quigg is on instinctively, so i IMed her... because i just needed to, and i tried to offer support, but more importantly, just spoke of how highly i think of her and how much i feel the need to be there for her... and just asked how she's doing and she's okay. we must all be here to support eachother though, especailly when such drastic things are happening, but even when the drastic things are not happening, theres other smaller things going on. always going on. and my head hurts thinking about it. and i don't know if my car door is to blame or if my inability to really understand the world in a fully context is to blame, or if the fact that i'm moving 3,000 miles away is to blame. i feel better, atleast better enough to not be sobbing. i'm going to finish my CD tomorrow, really. life's there when you work towards making it better. it's there all the time i guess.. until it's not, and someone dies, and life is no longer there with them. then this whole idea of working towards things seems silly and weird and depressing.

dealing with things is so ellusive, is there really some specific way? road signs were of no help to my questions tonight. all they did were reinforce what's already known to be necessary "yield, stop, go, merge, slow down" my feet know how to cooperate with these instructions. yet juxtaposed is my brain and personality, at a complete breaking point, instructionless and sad, the world doesn't make sense, death doesn't make sense, being connected to people and feeling their pain doesn't make sense.

road trips don't make sense to parents.


i'd love to go to asheville, i haven't given up yet. the next 2 days i'll be in desperate need of that second wind that keeps people energized to get through the next leg of responsibilities. i can do it.

us human beings, as jack johnson put it, are "better together."


Jodi