this isn't final

sometimes i think much of peoples focus is on finding some concrete set of beliefs that will define who we are that do not change and that give us strength to stand on. it's just sucky because... anything i think or realize or come to find and think i'm about... eventually changes. so people might see one decision or one blog or one glance on the street, or one clip of a song, or whatever and think i'm a certain type of person. the thing is, whether i am a certain type of person in that instant or not doesn't even matter because tomorrow, i'm something else, i've lived another day, my outlook changes from something... i don't mean literally TOMORROW, i just mean in the future.

then i have this strange drive within me... to become something, and i don't know the details of what i'm becoming, but i completely know within myself that i was born to do something great, something great i haven't done yet, to go places, to experience some type of journey, to not be comfortable, to try, to think, to expand from where i am right now... so somewhere is this idea of "who i am" which not only includes my past, but includes my uncertain future that i perceive to be mind-boggling, incredible, insightful, hard, terrific, challenging.

"i come from one tentative conclusion to the next, the only thing i know for sure is that I am confused" --hugh prather, "thoughts to myself"


it's kind of like that. except we get so freaking scared of being perceived as something based on one little snippet that we're scared to share that snippit; we're scared to take the journey, to be who we are, to be who we want to become. i just want to discover who other people are, because being exposed to another persons past/dreams/struggles/present moment provides so much strength just to know that we can be who we are and be understood by somebody and keep going on. and that's just incredible. that's the essence of a relationship. of being open and facing who we are through encountering ourselves in real life situations with other ppl/in the eyes of other ppl.

i've had the song "i'm not angry anymore" by ani difranco stuck in my head... it's not even the song really, its just that phrase. it's the most calming phrase i can contemplate right now... not being angry anymore. not being hostile, not being insecure (or being honest about insecurity.. not having to hide it). us ppl have so much to live for and say and think and do. let's start talking, opening up, asking questions, i want to know whats really up.