too much ME

okay... man, it's okay to struggle and everything, but really, the past few days i've been absorbed in that struggle and getting through it on a personal level and all this self-self-self stuff and i've written blogs (one of which i didn't even post because it was the same thing restated in a longer way than the blog titled "bold")

anyway, i'm thankful for all that struggle because i finally dealt with something important and talked to my dad and let him tell me how much i've hurt him over the past few years (which i needed to hear), and found out that my parents do love me whether i'm a christain or not, and so really... the only thing holding me back from being an amazing person is myself, that's nothing! (that's everything!)

during those couple days any conversation with anyone wasn't very focused, because in the back of my head was this problem, this insecurity, this suckiness, and so i did a poor job of shielding that, and hid away in the basement for a few days, and did my NF shut down, and cried, and wrote long emails, and talked on the phone, all about ME... i needed to i suppose, yeah i did need to.

but the me- days are done for a while, not done, but definitely umm less concentrated. we're constantly growing and discovering ourselves and learning how to become some one unique despite the beliefs of other ppl in the world, and it's hard to grow up, it's hard to look at things in the past and say... i'm not like that anymore, and acknowledge that you WERE like "that"... and that there are parts of us that come out at different times in our lives and we need to take all of them into consideration and not hide that EVER.

a number of things pushed me to deal with all of that; one- having a news article written about me and having to answer questions about the things i was most uncomfortable about, about myself, feeling what its like to step out in the open, not liking the feeling. two- senior week, meaninglessness. three- chris's struggle, wanting to be a friend, thinking about his struggle. four- having the kind of friends that know me well enough to call me out and tell me when i need to step up to the plate. five- growing up as a christain, not wanting to be defined as that anymore, but being scared to define myself as something else... so remaining "undefined" and trying to convince myself that it can still be meaningful and awesome to be undefined.


i feel like i can breathe again, i have been writing so much poetry lately to try to get some of my emotions out... but after i finally dealt with things, had a good talk with my dad, i came back to the documents, one blank text thing was open before when i was thinking about writing another stupid poem about being sad or something, and i wrote this instead:




there is no need for this space of blankness waiting to absorb
bloodstained regret.

there is no need for hiding under years of unsaid thought and emotion
and guilt

there is no need to blame the ones above me, for now i stand alone
and alongside the one above me

because he's no longer above me

we've endured pain apart for far too long

and he's no longer above me

and i've got no one to live up to, except myself

and that is more than enough.


he's on my side, and now i can conquer anything!
i found just about every reason for holding back
and held it there
right on my back

but i unpacked my past, and i'm ready to keep going.




joyous. yes i know! i kept all my internal struggles as internal for long enough to drive me crazy, all i had to do was TALK. i know i'm a great person, but now i really feel okay for being who i am. and that is almost strange. in a beautiful way.


can't wait to map out an amazing summer with rach and kathleen, we're meeting tonight to make goals for the summer, and i'm so happy! thank godd for friends, and for really good parents. really really good parents. REAALLLY GOOD PARENTS.


i've got a CD to be working on for noww :)


-Jodi