whew, i made it back to my blog

so it's been a long run without any blogging at all! why so long? well... I wish i had a good answer, i think i've been doing a lot of wordless growing, lots of emotions and experiences and music all feeding my soul lovely treats of nourishment. there's just so many different things to focus on it's hard to actually focus on one of them.

i realized this weekend that although parents are supposed to be the ppl who know you best, sometimes it takes extremely long explanations and answering lots and lots of questions to feel even remotely understood by my mom. the difference is expected between an NT and an NF-- thinkers just don't GET it. right, okay... so there's this amazing song i think everyone should listen to...

it's called "twice" by leo kottke and mike gordon. mmm and it was the perfect song to listen to after my eventful sunday morning in portland yesterday with my mom and one of the coolest ppl on this planet: deborah lloyd.

"when the stars up in the sky
when the lights along the street
when the tv's in the motel shine

when the fingertips are frozen
when the emtpy wind starts blowing
if they've got one,
they're all going home

we're just sitting here all by myself
you and me
nobody else but me
sometimes shadows are the only light we see

every night somebody's crying
down the alley on the cold cold ground
someones running but they'll never never flee

there's a shadow underneath the tree
someone running someone no one needs
sometimes darkness is the only light we see."


these lyrics and the somber rhythmic sound of this song is just soo amazing. seems like they're talking about homeless ppl a few times, and deborah started a church for homeless ppl, and its such a genuine place.

i guess what i've been thinking about lately, is that it would be a lie to say this weekend was perfect and wonderful, or that this semester is perfect and wonderful or that life is perfect and wonderful... not that life can't seem perfect and wonderful at times or that going to college doesn't have it's amazing perks and opportunities, or that this weekend with my parents wasn't enjoyable and fulfilling. it's just that there's more to it than that. there's bitterness, there's loneliness, there's HOMELESSNESS in the city, there's emptiness, there's frustration. it's all intertwined in the everyday's especially when everyday is packed with all these changes.

the thing that is important and healthy to do is to accept the damn changes, no matter how sucky they can feel or how much you want to ball up and cry sometimes. because eventually you'll discover something about yourself or about the world or about god or about your friends, and it'll be so worthwhile. or you'll meet someone amazing and connect to them, or you'll hear a song on a sampler CD from paste magazine and cry because it's beautiful and reflects a part of life that you've seen.

and yeah most of these "you"s are really about me. i've been feeling sort of sneaky lately... let me explain... it's like i know i have something great about me, or a lot of things great about me, but here not everyone can know about any of those things, except for when i make it known some way or another (hugs, cards, laughs, smiles, hello's, performances.. you name it), so i haven't really put on a parade of ME everywhere i go... it's a lot more sneaky, like hmm.. let me tip toe around and sometimes just go nuts with my own personality, but other times just sort of walk to class with my hands in my pockets and look around at the trees. i want other ppl to have space to be themselves around me, i want to be part of something beautiful.

i'll let ya know how it goes... though it never stops going.