slowly coming around a new corner

after a night of crying myself to sleep and an exhausting showerless start to the morning without much resolved from the night before, and feeling superly tender and affected by little bits of conversations in classes reminding me of just about anything in life that i don't know how to deal with... the afternoon came, along with a long distance call to rach, and more crying, and lots and lots of breakthrough.

i find that any time i STOP during the eventfulness of life... there's a lot to SEE and a lot to feel upset about, a lot of stuff thats valid to get upset about, a lot to CRY about, all balled up, but that it doesn't end there. it's not something that needs to be avoided so as to "keep myself together," it's quite the opposite, I just have to go on right through the rain of it all. do those things that feel so HARD to do, like open up when things are bad to people i don't know so very well (because thats quite unsettling in itself), or maybe go to a counselor, since its an open venue for talking about having problems. it's healthier to openly acknowledge any inner struggle or inner pain than to feel bad for owning those emotions.

so what if i CRY like a 5 year old GIRL! i'm freaking alive and full of emotion.

the crying was sort of because of isolation or distance and feeling like part of my LIFE is missing, sort of because some other things, which i was able to talk to rach about. speaking of rach, i just feel so BLESSED for her, her personality and thoughts and who she just IS makes me so happy to be able to live and interact with her, participate in liife so gladly, even when it sucks and i can't stop crying all day.

i think part of my problem was trying to rationalize everything i was feeling... because well, it wasn't working-- rationality would've told me to stop crying and finish my hw so the rest of my week won't be stressful, but it turns out my week will be a little stressful, so what... i can deal. rationality would've told me things like-- i'm probably about to get my period, which is why i'm so emotional, that's all... but that's NOT all. no, in this life, we have other components that weigh on our decisions and how we function. part of the problem was feeling bad for feeling bad, how complicated that can be. i'm glad i have words now, because last night all i could do was feel and think up phrases. (phrases like-- 2 months! it's late! i didn't do hw! i CANT do hw! i want a home. wanting home won't make this any better, why do i want home?, how am i going to go on tour if i can't even go away to college for a month?...) so its 4:51 on a monday afternoon, and i still don't feel up to the 100 some pages i have left to read. but i'll get there. when i can. and in the mean time i won't feel guilty. alright! time to stop blogging for now, thanks for keeping up with the flood of posts!

jo