time is too stubborn

there's just not enough of it. and my throat is officially huge. i probably got sick at work last week, when we didn't have enough gloves so we were sharing... with ppl who were sick.... sounds smart, huh? but i'll try not to be bitter at all... because all i really am is SAD. and it alll hit me today. this whole roller coaster craziness i've written about (from happy blog, to sad, to contemplative, to happy, to THIS), well i haven't cried once during all of it. i was realllly close, but i never cried.

so yesterday i did so much (see last blog), and made all these plans and thought it was going to be possible to do this CD in a timely fashion and get it out by the middle of june, but the truth IS, for me to do this CD, well it will take more time.

I did get totally carried away in my head thinking i had to pre-sell lots and lots of CDs, but really.. i have to remember that this is meant to be an enjoyable thing.

i woke up at 6:05 with plans to take a shower and go to school.. then i hit the snooze button, then i realized when the alarm went off again, that my thraot is gynormous, and so i went upstairs to tell my parents.. in disappointment, and my logical mother offers to schedule a doctors appointment and asks if i want to stay home... "I can't stay home, this is my last week of highschool, and I'm missing the last 2 days so that I can record, but my throat is sore, how am i going to... yes i'd LIKE to stay home, but..."

then tears welled up, and i walked downstairs to try to get some papers together... i knew i was about to let that dam go that was holding up all this emotion i've been feeling the past week, but that didn't mean i couldn't try to stay productive! for as much as i'm lazy a lot... there are things that are important to me that i'd really like to get done, and well, when i consider that this is my last week, i'm not like the rest of the seniors, i wanna do well, i've learned a lot this year, i respect math class, my mentorship has been this whole new journey i've taken this year with music, i'd like to make my portfolio kick ass (i havent started it yet), and in photography.. well i like that subject too, and i'd like to develop my film and do everything. everything THIS WEEK. I mean i'm LEAVING soon, I can DO this... (as i start crying harder and harder) and then i keep rumaging around my house trying to get books i'm going to return and get my lunch out of the fridge, but i just became like a stuffed doll walking around who couldn't even keep her knees locked to stand up, they just sink down. i made it to the office where.. for some reason there was one of those matts ppl sleep on and a blanket (oh yeah, we had lots of ppl sleep here for the bridal shower this weekend, which went wonderfully by the way), and i just laid there sobbing, and i couldn't stop.

then my dad came downstairs (keep in mind my parents usually sleep in later than 6:30 AM) and waited about 5 minutes til i could calm down enough to talk. and i only told him the half of it, where all the stress is coming from. theres still just so much sadness. but yeah, he recommended that i don't record on my last full days of school, and that i really try to get better and wait til i can do this really well, because it's something i enjoy, and it shouldn't be like this.


so i owe my pre-purchasers an email with an explanation, this project might not come to a close until july. and it sucks... because i rEALLY REALLY REALLY tried so hard this weekend to fix everything thats gone wrong to try to make up for lost time, but there's nothing i can even do, especially now that i'm sick, i just feel so disabled and robbed, like why would i become SICK NOW?? OF ALL TIMES?! And i'm really sad about it, because i do feel like i didn't accomplish something. it was just last week mrs. bennett said "we all face rejection and failure, just wait, you will fail some time in your life, it's the truth" and it's not that i'm throwing in the towel forever, but i did have a plan to finish this by the middle of june, and it looks like i'm failing to do that. and i don't think highly of that. but i do think highly of getting it done really well.

i'm gonna miss everything! i've been too busy to realize it! i mean we're done! i walk across the stage on thursday of next week!

The CDs will get mailed out once they are done.. and the important thing is they will be very awesome sounding CDs. i'll have a few little shows before then, either in my backyard or in at the barn. i'm going to sleep in... because my parents know best and they told me to. and i'll try to get in to see a doctor tomorrow. goodmorning/peace i'm sleeping again like its night... i wrote this last night:



i'm on the verge
and i'm getting higher
and i'm on the verge
no i'm not tired
i'm on the verge of catching fire

i'm learning how to be a fighter
the slightest differences separate the misers
from ppl committed to becoming wiser
and i'm on the verge of getting higher

cause when i start to need you
i start to feel
lonely
i start to lose me... (then it repeats, i made it into a quick song, kinda feels reggea/rockish)



after last week, i dont know what to expect on this ridiculous monday. (yes i said ridiculous because i have no better word!), later kids,

Jo