direction

after close to 3 hours of watching sex and the city in roxannes room on a wonderful futon and with good company, i started missing home. at the time, if someone had asked about it and sincerely wanted to know, i'm sure i would've just started crying and don't know if i would've been able to stop for a long time... instead i made little jokes to pass the occasional silences and suggested that we take a walk around campus.

i think the combination of wanting to cry because i miss people and then not feeling comfortable crying around people creates a crappy sort of tension... one that's not easily dissolved. but i didnt give up, i didnt want to be depressed in my room, i half-wanted to call my friends back home and cry to them, and out of all that weirdness i went to the third floor where andrew was listening to records and reading a book and decided to start making art in the lounge.

a little piece of advice jen gave me-- whenever i'm feeling down or a lot of things at once, it means that i need to do art or make music. so that i did! and it was the perfect thing to do. because through art i can get all that stuff out in an honest way that gives (to other ppl).

its funny how missing people works... because the sadness is almost like that kind of sadness when someone dies.. that you won't be able to see them or something. but the reality isn't nearly as permanent. one thing is for sure, you can't be fulllly self-sufficient, or you cann, but its totally natural to need people and to love people. i think what will start to be great is when people start to allow themselves to be more and more open, and genuinely interested in eachothers struggles. theres so many more levels to people and to relationships/friendships, and it takes a level of comfort to really understand other ppl on that level, but thanks to my awesome friends back home, i know its possible, and theres so much to learn from people.

it's hard to see something so great as real raw human interaction and not be able to indulge.. once you know the best kind of friend-love that seems to exist, it's hard to have it lacking in everyday life.


all of this to shed the honesty i wasn't able to verbalize tonight... i was, however, able to ENJOY the night through making art and eating popcorn and laughing uncontrollably with new great friends. so i'm lucky i suppose, or smart for choosing the right kind of outlet. it's funny feeling so full with personality and life, and yet feeling inadaquate and young all at the same time. i'm constantly redirecting my direction. and it's what i need to be doing, and i can enjoy it, even when i feel sad or shy or unknown (lots of ppl feel the same, i'm sure). it's just a matter of what we do, what we allow ourselves to experience, what we decide against doing. becoming... "never stop becoming" (don't know who that quote is by).


sleep time for me.

Jodi