what to do

now that summer's over, it's almost hard to remember what it was like to wake up and not be obligated to do much of anything. There's the specific, schedule-related question of what to do (homework, chill, watch a movie, write)... but i guess my "what to do" title is coming from more than all that.

what to do when you've been pushed to the point of being powerless. realizing who you want to be, doesn't correspond with where your surroundings are. and that you can't erase where you've been. I can't erase church from my memory. But i wish i could start over.

Right now i have one foot out the door, and my other foot is comfortably weighing me down to a possibility that this stuff could be true.

What do you do when you're faced with one million arguments and answers and/or questions sitting at your dinner table. And the only thing you want is honesty, but honesty is this spider web of logical information. How can someone trying to be so right, ruin the thrill and ambiguity of all thats "wrong". how can love be so tiresome and create such hostility, such pain, such bitterness to push it all back.

i already know what to feel, or rather, i know what i feel. but what to do? i've never been faced with a harder obligation. a confrontation i wish would come naturally, an argument i wish i didn't have to have. the answers i'm not sure i'm ready for. and a person i need to learn to appreciate.

its like i open my mouth and instantly regret having said anything. if tears could talk for themselves than i could've just sat there for 2 hours. but man, is that ever enough to bring a person down. if you don't stand on the foundation already set, you're merely sinking with hope that there's something more, and no one can defend you. I prefer sand over rocks, change over stability, and for that i've been knocked down.

i guess all i can do is get back up and at least find verification in my own heart, if i can't win it in the eyes of another.

either that, or go out someplace and try not to think about it! i guess neither is bad if i dont do it too much.

i guess i should tell what happened that brought about all this mess of thoughts... my relationship with my dad isnt very cool, and i dont know if we believe the same things, which is a problem when your dads a pastor.. and i'm bad at compromising. and things always get magnified and intense when we talk, so we did this weekend, hence the magnified intense blog i just wrote. it's like a bunch of shit i just realized about myself and my dad that i dont like. i cant really gloss over it cause i'm not a "gloss-over" kind of person, but i gotta do something a little better than not talking to him ever.

the one awesome thing that came out of this weekend was seeing rach kathleen and mike, and seeing garden state. that movie was the best movie i've seen in very long time, highly recommend goin to see that! i saw it friday, and went to new jersey on sunday to see the family (which was great too), and saw it again in the actual "garden state". alright...


i'm out.