the whole truth.. nothing but it.

i realized tonight that acknowledging the truth.. the shit.. the goodness.. all of it for what it is, and saying it out loud, and writing it down, and understanding it, all of it... including the shit... especially the shit.... well, there's just some tiny ounce of relief in that.. that will spring to more relief. so in my attempt to feel more relieved, i'd like to list here some things that have been really hard for me to accept and deal with lately.


nuc is leaving cedar ridge... rock the barn is going to be lots harder to pull off

i want to be doing a lot of good things, life isn't cooperating; my mentorship was aiming toward having my CD done by June 10th, well.. that'd be nice, but it's not possible.

it's 1 am, i have school tomorrow, and i'm sick

this is my last week of highschool, and its the biggest struggle to finish i think i've ever faced (because of the sum of this list)

my parents are going out of town again, and i could kind of use having them around to help encourage me

i'm not being encouraged in school to accomplish anything

i do want to accomplish so much

i love my friends, how am i going to leave them next year?

it's 1:03 AM, i'm still awake writing a blog

i have new songs i want to write but my throat hurts when i sing.. (i did sing anyway... straight through 12 songs just to practice yesterday, i did each one til i did it well)

i'm not giving up... a lot of what i face seems to tell me to give up

other people have problems... i can't be the one to fix all of them right now, though i'm trying, in the name of love!

what is church? why do i go? can i just create my own church without the theology? (YES I CAN!)




this last week is like... a mile high straight up mountain cliff that i have to keep taking giant leaps to get up, by only hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. the only thing is, i could fall and a lot of ppl wouldnt notice.. the mountain is myself respect my self-fulfilment... the journey to who i am. some people don't have that mountain, or if they do, its more like a straight up.. flat sidewalk like the one they just laid down through my neighborhood... easy to walk on. mine is ridiculously huge, but i'm not backing down, sure i'm crying a lot this week, and sure i hate the feeling in my "fingertips" that are holding on with fear because i wish i could have huge hands that could grasp that mountain with ease and climb it without any tears at all. but i love the excitement in knowing i'll make it to the top.. i'll roll over onto that ledge completely exhausted and worn out and fulfilled just laying there after the most trying set of leaps my body has ever encountered.

i'll let you know how the journey goes... until then, i better get back to climbing

1:15AM... (yes sleep is part of the battle, gotta learn how to fall asleep) starts right now!


JODI (i don't know if time really applies anymore, i can't really work within time lines, what if my whole life is this giant cliff? i want atleast one little plataue (spelling?), i'll get that eventually, just enough rest to battle out another real life thing. you just wait, i'll get to making the most beautiful thing ever... it's not a CD or a song or a report card or a paycheck.... it's me. i'm worth this struggle to become. and it's still hard, but i'm glad this all has been acknowledged. a big "thanks" to rachael for our awesome conversation on the phone that helped me realize all of this, i love you!)