a different color hue on a gray day

woke up feeling so homesick.

but i don't want to go back home, i want to endure, and learn to fill this place with new things that i still feel a lack of sometimes. like being understood. and being understood requires a whoole lot of relational work that i'm so afraid to do when i'm hurting. like opening up, when i'm sad. it's what i want to do... and i am getting there slowly. but i'm not there, and i don't think you ever get there, i think you just have to keep up with yourself, or let yourself go through things, and trust yourself to come up with conclusions of your own that are good for you.

thats what being here is all about.

this "hue" i'm talking about is hugh prather's book "notes on love and courage," here's the quote on the page i opened up to:

"a new idea has energy, but like a new battery in an old five-battery flashlight, its power is temporary. it is natural for me to return to activities that are known, to once again think thoughts that are familiar. to be constantly reminding myself to change requires an effort i coerce myself to obey a concept that no longer inspires me, the more i must trample my own loves and instincts and natural interests. nothing is gained by pushing something good beyond its season. an idea can inspire me, but it is not inspiration. i can change in spurts, but i change. each new concept leaves its residue. each idea that excites me to temporary change does in fact permanently change me, even though almost impercptibly. i will be fortunate if i ever learn, really learn, one or two lessons in my life. the implication, of course, is that there is more to come."


i think what i especially got from this today is that... you can't change all the batteries at once in your flashlight at once, or... it's alright for things to be different, its okay for me to be really sad-- but thats what i'm most afraid of being in front of people. and i didn't realize that til i left my friends i was so used to breaking down in front of every couple of weeks. that was healthy though, to have someone willing to let me express my actual feelings and work through things with people who care about me. it's hard to find those people though, or its hard to start the process, and i can't do it alone.