stop "trying"

I kept thinking about how I would go about writing a good essay. Things like this just take lots of effort. Try to do well, try to succeed, try to fit the mold, try to break the mold, try to fit in, try to stand out, try to be funny, try to sound smart. For lack of a better word, all of this “trying” I do myself, and that I believe many others do, is bullshit. It’s more detrimental than it is constructive. If life is about always trying to be, then I’m going to have to be crazy enough to fight against it, because I sure as hell won’t sit here and pretend that it’s working out fine.

I’m trying to be a good student. Well let’s see the reality, maybe I am a good student. Maybe I’m a horrible student, but I know how to try hard enough to get by (maybe getting-by is really what a good student is these days). But reguardless, how long do you go on trying and succeeding in grades that seem to be of no value, or even getting poor grades of no value. It comes to a point where a person has to stop trying so hard to be whatever it is you feel like your supposed to be, and start being who you really are, who you want to be, doing what you really want. This is all really confusing to me though, because you see, if no one expected anything of me, I don’t know what I’d be accomplishing. I mean I think I’d atleast have music, but even there, I wasn’t good at guitar until 2 years of always TRYING to be good at guitar.

It’s this fine frustration I have between living freely without any expectations, and always having to be trying to be something I’m just not at times.

We are invincible when we want to be, I could be studying right now for my make-up math test, and you know I really “should be”, but until I find that it is a priority to study statistics, I’ll try my luck at the make up test based on information I think I’ve learned in class. We all have our own frustrations with something in life, whether it be incompetence, or sincerity, or some specific detail about a specific thing, I don’t know, but mine is pretty rare I’d say.

And to come to some sort of temporary conclusion, I’d say that trying when you really believe and really want something is amazing, it truly is great. But when all your trying amounts to is getting a grade and getting-by, then it really sucks. So I wish school was just one of those things I aspired to my senior year. And hopefully I will stop feeling so apathetically towards grades, but I’m sick of trying to prove myself to the school system. I just want to BE and LIVE and bask in wonderful concerts and experiences with amazing people. That’s what I really want this year.