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blogs are so weird sometimes because well... certain things i journal, right, and people don't read my journal, so what makes it something i blog rather than journal? I mean other people read this thing (supposedly)... so before i wrote the last sentence i was thinking some interesting thoughts that i'll leave here because... well because my blog is awfully geared towards making me look a certain way i'd like to see myself, and that's not the whole side of the story quite, and sure it's nice to read maybe, but whats really there? what all is there inside of me?

i was sitting in my living room with an awesome friend, brittany, from portland andd with my mom and we were talking about religion or something and my mom says "all of my kids are deconstructing their faith right now" and i just kind of smiled or laughed. my mom is right about a lot of things and for the past couple months i haven't really summed up my questions and things as "deconstruction," but that's basically what it is... and it's kind of a bitter process at times. poking fun at and punching at the belief structure you've come to believe to see if its really ligit.

so what defines me? what defines us as humans? i'm going to college in the fall.. i've probably told atleast 100 people that, and if you don't know, i'll let you know so that you can know something about me or to fill the politely curious knowledge. i'm going to lewis and clark college in portland next year. but right now in this instant, which doesn't indefinitely define my attitude, i'm doubting that an institution can even remotely define me. saying that is kind of bothersome, because the next question feels like, why bother with doing something that doesn't define who you are? and hell... why pay $30,000 if you're not kicking and screaming to go?

i think what scares me about asking those questions is that something about going to college is comforting, something about saying it's not worth it feels detrimental towards myself. i often feel on the fence, lately atleast, between pushing myself to do things i'm not even sure i want to do... or simply choosing not to do those things. soccer was sort of something that happened and got dropped, and i even emailed back the coach at LC to follow up about soccer this fall... but ultimately i don't feel connected to soccer so much anymore, which can be seen in my not playing for the past year and a half. and the way i've phrased that issue is by saying music was more of a priority.. and that is true. without playing soccer i had enough time to be involved in rock the barn and starting my CD, and i truly love it, thank god, because that's one thing i know through all this deconstruction or whatever; that i really enjoy music and can express myself through it and can hear the voices of humanity in ppls music, it's so beautiful and incredible. and no one forced me to be a musician. but then i get caught in a tough place.

it's good to do things you don't want to do... to adjust, and learn to put some greater goal before your own personal struggles, because... it forces you to grow. our parents have been forcing us to grow everytime we have to ask them whether or not we can do something and the answer is in their hands rather than ours. but now its our choice, how we grow, or even IF we really want to push ourselves to grow. it's kind of a bitter place to be because i don't want to fall on either side of the fence. i don't want to do something and not enjoy it... but i dont want to do nothing and have nothing to push myself towards.


i watched the big kahuna today by myself.. probably because i haven't been "by myself" really since before graduation 2 weeks ago (and the past 2 weeks have been great!) but now some things have been surfacing, things i couldn't have really expected. the movie is really slow, but there's this whole underlying meaning through this business-marketing plot. so there's 3 guys and one of them is all for the business and there to get the job done and be a liaison between his company and some other hotshot company, and the other guy is kind of unsure if he wants to be in the business anymore because his life is really complicated, and then theres a new guy who's a nice-guy christain... anyway, the business guy and the christain guy get in a huuge argument because christian guy (bob) talked to the person they were supposed to get in touch with.. talked to him about life and death and jesus, when he was supposed to be representing the company. so bob is like, why can't ppl just get to know eachother, and the other guy is like you just had you're own intentions blah blah blah... then the business guy leaves... and the depressed guy talks to bob and says some really cool stuff... first he says:

It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or 'How to Make Money in Real Estate With No Money Down.' That doesn't make you a human being; it makes you a marketing rep. If you want to talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are - just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep.


that's just interesting because it makes business people and jesus-spreaders ppl with identical intentions.. to serve the greater goal of the company or the religion... sacrificing something of themselves... well okay. but the one line that was really interesting to me came later when this guy was telling bob (christain guy) that he didn't have character because he didn't have any regrets.. and bob is like, so i have to do something wrong to gain character? and he's like... no.. :

I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret, you just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can't, because it's too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face.

that was just really powerful to hear. it's too idealistic to say "live life without regretting"... regret is important in that we see our mistakes and learn and grow and become, sure we should live in a way we think we won't regret in the future... regret is so strange. the word just speaks of being stuck in a bad reality, but what happens when we accept our regret? we gain character i think. because it's not denying regret.. it's regretting.. and moving on. if we are human being who do not regret then we're not really seeing ourselves clearly. as much as every person can build a defense for themselves, to make it seem like there is nothing "wrong" about what we've done, there comes a point when whatever was chosen just wasn't the best choice for whatever reason... and it's necessary to recognize these things. i think we all get a little scared of that whole area of life. we run away from it because people won't accept it, because we ourselves don't accept it. (it=whatever is not something we're proud of). so we can pretend we're proud of it, or just try to forget that it exists, but it's there.

i like writing these kind of blogs that turn themselves around. i felt a whole negative wave coming on at the thought of scheduling classes for college and being identified as a college kid and born into a whole list of expectations. i don't want to be a marketer for the hell of marketing. i want something important to express. it's weird.. i was thinking about this in nyc. there is sooo much art there in the form of advertising. the advertisements are soo interesting to look at. they're really a form of art, but then most artists are tempted to discredit that form of art because it's purpose is only to market to get you to take some other action. what is it about having an intention behind something that freaks people out? without intention we're just blobs of expression never really getting anywhere. we all need a dollar, why not make what we're selling look interesting? life is one big paradox of little paradoxes. i keep catching onto more and more of them. in art class we say what makes art is the intention. yet we mock intention when it's not in alignment with something we value or something. we're made to serve the greater good; we're made to serve only our selves. we're everything; we're nothing. life matters be careful; life doesn't matter have fun. and it's back and forth, and you just hope you don't spend too much time on one side or the other because you'll lose the other half, you'll live off-balance. yet so many ppl think it is important to be firm on their beliefs. and there is another balance, be firm.. be open minded. you have to be both! i just hope i stay sane through all of this, there's so much to think about, i'm happy i can just think outloud about them.. or on computer land here.

it's so strange though.. because through all the questioning, it all comes down to what you actually DO or don't do... and then you're measured up to that, or are you ever really measured up to that? because what defines your big action.. we're always acting. in drama class i always thought that was so funny.. that life was just some play created out of our own characters, and through dramas we can manipulate our natural reactions into specific scenerios to communicate something.. something with intention.

i think i'm being challenged to become, through different ppl in my life and the tasks at hand. is that a ligitimate way to grow? like... is going to church a ligitimate way to base your actions? some things just feel wrong to fight against, i won't even list my problems with christianity cause the argument is long and exhausting to think about right now. i just trust that people can and will choose what is best for their lives based on who they are and where they've been. that's all i can expect to see happen, and i'll be a part of the process in other peoples lives with the intention of discovering those things.. this is what i'd like to see of myself, because i don't especially like feeling judged and guilty, so i'd like to see other people without haughty judgment that is just unnecessary to us humans growing together to understand and better our lives.

this conversation could go on for a long time.. if you're reading, put in some input, you know.. if you're at all still interested in where this is leading, because it could change with your interaction, we're all so freaking important. i do trust that things happen for the better.. no matter what they are. i think that's about the only solid thing i got, that, and that i like music a lot. that's not saying too much for being firm on things. we all balance out eventually, maybe...



i'm not really asking for answers; just a different perspective, go for it.