summer days and slowing down

talk about a change of PACE! i used to be happy for any chance i had to grab a nap or a goodnights sleep, and now sleep comes in full 9 hour time slots. summer is a different game, and i'm still warming up to it. i loved college for too many reasons to list here, most of which had to do with being busy with things that mattered and having really good friends living in my building who i'd talk to or go places with whenever! i still have dreams that i'm in portland, a lott. my mind has to remember that it is now in maryland!

i heard thunder for the first time yesterday all year! it rains a lot in portland, but rarely does it thunder storm. i had a big smile on my face after i heard that rumbling thunder and the big rain drops on the skylight in my living room.

college is a very self-focused place... for the most part. definitely towards the end of college i'd made good friends who really did care about me, and who i care about soo much, and yeah we began to watch out for one another. but the thing is, you're surrounded by so many people and so much action, that it's easy for people to only worry about themselves. in a way that's nice. because it's hard to be in a place with all this new stuff and no one who's really grounded with who you are... so in making decisions for yourself, without any one expecting anything of you, you're so free and (ready or not) you've got all this control of your life. so i learned lots about myself from being in that environment. i also discovered that old counting crows song "raining in baltimore" and it makes for the perfect sad song about being "3,500 miles away," and "needing a raincoat" cause boy does it rain all the time out there. you need those songs that seem to fit right into your life, i love that.

yesterday i had a great talk with my mom. it was after i ordered 250 MORE of my cd's because i ran out of the first 250! hooraay for people supporting my music!! so yeah, my mom says something like "i don't know HOW you manage money, you do it in the weirdest ways, but i'm starting to learn to trust you because you always make enough money." My mom thinks if I don't have a job all school year, that means I'm broke and lazy or something. OR take my trip home to surprise Rach on her birthday.... my mom's wayy too logical to understand that whole idea. she's thinking, for how much it would cost to fly there, why don't i just buy a really nice gift. and i'm thinking, this would be best birthday surprise ever, i love my friend, i don't really have the money, but i'll find a way to make it back... end of story-- i GO, i surprise my best friend, we get to spend the weekend together, i have a house concert and make back the cost of the plane ticket.

so i guess it makes me feel a little better when i see everyone rushing to get a job, and i'm still searching around for what i want to do. there's just so much pressure out there, that if you don't have a job right away, that meanns you're lazy and you're broke... but i'm really not either of the two! and i really do want to drive around and play shows in different cities, and meet people, and make enough money to make it through my next school year, and be able to hit up some concerts this summer... but i don't need much more money than that.

i've learned to trust my heart a little more, with the few positive experiences i've had with my music and my big goals. like this road trip for instance that rach and judy and i are going on in 2 weeks to do relief work in biloxi mississippi! we're taking a week-long road trip down, staying in asheville and atlanta, and i'm going to play my guitar, and rach is going to interview coffee house owners, and if we're lucky, we'll interview someone from Paste Magazine. then we're doing 5 days of hurricane relief work in mississippi. it's going to cost money, and once again, i DON'T have a job yet. but we're going to volunteer in a place that really really needs help right now, and that is important, and it's also something that other people around me feel good about supporting and contributing money to. so, it's not that i'm forcing anyone to hand me money to go places... but i am opening that door to accept anything people are willing to give. and i'm learning that it's okay to do that, and that i work so much better under those circumstances. because then i feel so so thankful for people who support these things i'm passionate about, and we sort of get to share the feeling of accomplishment- because i can't do it alone.

so people think i'm a little crazy for trusting that if i do what's right, money will follow... but i care too much about people and music to really do it any other way. i really find joy in being able to live this way.