testing, 1, 2

yeah.. i wrote a post last night and my computer died on the spot, without warning, erasing the entire post... i took it as a sign that i should get to bed, because it was getting late.

i began to appreciate the extra time that summer gives us today. i realized there's a lot i need to do, and usually having a lot to do (personally and emotionally and financially) results in stress because there is usually ALREADY a lot to do... but in the summer time, i can spend a lot of time on things and not feel like i'm neglecting school work or hanging out with people or whatever it is... because there's a whole lot of time in the day! and a lot of days!

i woke up this morning with an intense urge to go to the library. that's when i remembered i needed to do a lot of work on my computer... researching different programs, figuring out what would be best for me to do in the next 3 years of college. i want to be a songwriter, so the decisions i make about what types of classes or programs i get involved in should really be ones that will help me acheive my dream. it's not always possible to do everything out there that would benefit me, because of time and money, but i'm glad that i'm looking into it all and that i have the time to really sort it all out.

when i started to do this this morning, i was feeling very down and lost. thinking all the things that would be good for me to do aren't actually feasible. part of my feeling lost comes from not having enough faith inside me that things will work out if i try to do all i can to make music and learn how to become a better musician... i start to feel like maybe i'm not cut out for all of this, maybe i should just chill out a little, and not get so bogged down about this huge emotional battle that surrounds having a dream that is far away. but of course, like all disney movies taught us, life is all about going for it. i can say that i've come around and now feel positively enough to be writing all of this out because the day had quite a big turn of events.

i still don't know exactly which programs i'll be doing, but i know that i could potentially go to martha's vineyard for a semester to record/write songs/take classes on the business end of things and the artistic side of songwriting and connecting to an audience or market. i could go to south africa for a semester, and the classes look really interesting. it all just takes some manipulation of my schedule and maybe some summer classes, but hey-- if i could be receiving that amazing of an education, i'm willing to do a little extra work to make up for time spent having a blast in other islands/countries.

when i was soul searching and internet searching i came across tom willett's website (www.tomwillett.com), he runs the martha's vineyard program and is a good friend of my dads from a long time ago. this website was sort of a strange collection of insightful quotes and authors saying things about creativity and artists... and i got so drawn into it. i bought a book on half.com that he recommended on there by picasso, it's letters he wrote to his brother. then i went to the library to get more of this author henry miller. he had such incredible things to say about writing, and freeing the world by enduring pain that transforms into art, and consequently freeing yourself of the pain through creativity and feeling accomplished. it all really hit home with the idea of songwriting, and i felt very understood just by reading it.

so my morning impulse to go to the library finally made sense at about 430 in the afternoon, when i went to get a henry miller book.

also... when i was feeling very lost in the morning, it was weighing on me a lot, and i really really wanted to come to some sort of conclusion for myself. so i decided to fast for the morning. i just drank lots of water, and i really wasn't that hungry because my mind was so occupied thinking other things.

the time seemed right to eat after i went to the library... i stopped by pepperjack's to drop off fliers for my show at the daily grind this thursday, and bought a sub. i remembered stuff written in sidhartha about fasting and how it made him feel good because it was this spiritual thing... so i gave it a shot, and i'd say the day worked out nicely. when i got back, my advisor from lewis and clark called my house (i had written her an email asking questions about this program in martha's vineyard), it was so nice of her to call me over the summer, when she's not even going to be returning this fall, just to explain to me what credits would transfer, and her opinion of what i should do (basically, go for it if you want to). it was just the amount of clarity i needed.

there's still a few things i want to get done, and i definitely can't wait to read this book, but lucky for me there is plenty of time. i feel better already.


daily grind show: thursday aug 20th, 6-8pm, 8180 Maple Lawn Blvd, Fulton MD, 20759. www.myspace.com/jodimclaren.

i've been practicing a lot, i'm hoping to make this performance especially meaningful and powerful. hope to see you there.

jodi


PS- i'm getting a new cell phone (i lost my old one for 3 weeks now), so soon people can contact me again! this is good news for all of us. :)

i can't wait to spend more time with my friends this summer too! they're such great people. :) peace for now..