the introvert returns!

hello everyone (or anyone? who still checks this abandoned page?)

that question doesn't really need to be answered. truth is, i haven't written a blog since this summer and it wasn't until today... after an extended NF shutdown and an attempt at catching up on homework with my all-powerful day of no classes (Friday), the eventually led me aimlessly checking emails and finally to jen lemens blog (www.jenlemen.com). i wrote an email to this fantastic woman a few weeks ago asking her what was going on her life to which she responed "it's all on my blog," still i didn't read it until today! it was nice to "catch up" with her though through reading it.

this semester is trying me a little too hard. i keep reminding myself that college is supposed to be challenging and difficult and that everyone has a lot of work and gets stressed out. but when i do all of this AND carry around my extra set off information i pick up out of no where, i start to feel heavy and full of tears. all it takes is one genuine "how are you doing?" with a concerned look that knows something is wrong from a friend, and i'm torn between crying/giving some monotone answer and attempt at an explanation, or just saying "OK" and leaving it at that.

its funny because i can see right past this feeling, but its still so strong. for as much of an introvert as i am, and as much as i get in these moods when i don't maintain enough time with myself and time to reflect, at times like this i either need to disappear for a day alone or else have a long talk with a good friend... the kind of talk where i can just talk and talk and talk until i explain all the different things i've taken in during the week that i haven't reflected on, and have it be listened to.

today i was happy to be sent home from my voice lesson which i came to very unprepared... feeling very inadaquate. she asked how i was doing, or what i though specifically of my latest voice performance a few days ago where my knees were shaking and i was terrified and figity. i'm sure i hit all the notes and my italian pronunciation is getting better, but it doesn't feel good to sing in front of a group of people who are ready to critique you verbally the minute you finish.

much like my poetry class where i pass 17 copies of a poem i tried to put something important into, and read it aloud either lazily or nervously... because if you don't care how good your poem is, it doesn't feel so bad when people tear it apart. i don't really get offended so much as i just feel horribly uncomfortable.

for someone who advocates feeling uncomfortable in order to challenge and improve myself-- i think i've had a little too much. i guess the hope is that i become more comfortable in my own skin in more than a few different scenerios once i figure out how to be inside of them. hopefully the latest song i'm working on (by latest i mean... created after being sent home from my voice lesson for a much needed break) will come into a completed form this weekend. thanks to deborah loyd, i'll be spending the night in her guest room for some quality time with myself (and my guitar).

jodi