slowly coming around a new corner

after a night of crying myself to sleep and an exhausting showerless start to the morning without much resolved from the night before, and feeling superly tender and affected by little bits of conversations in classes reminding me of just about anything in life that i don't know how to deal with... the afternoon came, along with a long distance call to rach, and more crying, and lots and lots of breakthrough.

i find that any time i STOP during the eventfulness of life... there's a lot to SEE and a lot to feel upset about, a lot of stuff thats valid to get upset about, a lot to CRY about, all balled up, but that it doesn't end there. it's not something that needs to be avoided so as to "keep myself together," it's quite the opposite, I just have to go on right through the rain of it all. do those things that feel so HARD to do, like open up when things are bad to people i don't know so very well (because thats quite unsettling in itself), or maybe go to a counselor, since its an open venue for talking about having problems. it's healthier to openly acknowledge any inner struggle or inner pain than to feel bad for owning those emotions.

so what if i CRY like a 5 year old GIRL! i'm freaking alive and full of emotion.

the crying was sort of because of isolation or distance and feeling like part of my LIFE is missing, sort of because some other things, which i was able to talk to rach about. speaking of rach, i just feel so BLESSED for her, her personality and thoughts and who she just IS makes me so happy to be able to live and interact with her, participate in liife so gladly, even when it sucks and i can't stop crying all day.

i think part of my problem was trying to rationalize everything i was feeling... because well, it wasn't working-- rationality would've told me to stop crying and finish my hw so the rest of my week won't be stressful, but it turns out my week will be a little stressful, so what... i can deal. rationality would've told me things like-- i'm probably about to get my period, which is why i'm so emotional, that's all... but that's NOT all. no, in this life, we have other components that weigh on our decisions and how we function. part of the problem was feeling bad for feeling bad, how complicated that can be. i'm glad i have words now, because last night all i could do was feel and think up phrases. (phrases like-- 2 months! it's late! i didn't do hw! i CANT do hw! i want a home. wanting home won't make this any better, why do i want home?, how am i going to go on tour if i can't even go away to college for a month?...) so its 4:51 on a monday afternoon, and i still don't feel up to the 100 some pages i have left to read. but i'll get there. when i can. and in the mean time i won't feel guilty. alright! time to stop blogging for now, thanks for keeping up with the flood of posts!

jo

you're it.

theres such a sense of adventure out here and so much going on and so many people to meet and the subtle schedule, and the huge amounts of free time, time that needs to be set aside for work that rarely is.

it's hard for me to BE here. to be fully HERE in Portland, OR. it's such an opportunity, theres so many great things to get involved with... it sort of starts to feel like a big crazy game of emotional tag, and i just want to touch home base so i can stop running for a while.

so if home base is laurel MD, then whats a girl to do until thanksgiving? something tells me letters in the mail won't be able to fix the gap of 3,000 miles. i want to give a lot to this place, it just takes... i dont know what-- adjusting, and figuring out what would make this place more of a "home base."

direction

after close to 3 hours of watching sex and the city in roxannes room on a wonderful futon and with good company, i started missing home. at the time, if someone had asked about it and sincerely wanted to know, i'm sure i would've just started crying and don't know if i would've been able to stop for a long time... instead i made little jokes to pass the occasional silences and suggested that we take a walk around campus.

i think the combination of wanting to cry because i miss people and then not feeling comfortable crying around people creates a crappy sort of tension... one that's not easily dissolved. but i didnt give up, i didnt want to be depressed in my room, i half-wanted to call my friends back home and cry to them, and out of all that weirdness i went to the third floor where andrew was listening to records and reading a book and decided to start making art in the lounge.

a little piece of advice jen gave me-- whenever i'm feeling down or a lot of things at once, it means that i need to do art or make music. so that i did! and it was the perfect thing to do. because through art i can get all that stuff out in an honest way that gives (to other ppl).

its funny how missing people works... because the sadness is almost like that kind of sadness when someone dies.. that you won't be able to see them or something. but the reality isn't nearly as permanent. one thing is for sure, you can't be fulllly self-sufficient, or you cann, but its totally natural to need people and to love people. i think what will start to be great is when people start to allow themselves to be more and more open, and genuinely interested in eachothers struggles. theres so many more levels to people and to relationships/friendships, and it takes a level of comfort to really understand other ppl on that level, but thanks to my awesome friends back home, i know its possible, and theres so much to learn from people.

it's hard to see something so great as real raw human interaction and not be able to indulge.. once you know the best kind of friend-love that seems to exist, it's hard to have it lacking in everyday life.


all of this to shed the honesty i wasn't able to verbalize tonight... i was, however, able to ENJOY the night through making art and eating popcorn and laughing uncontrollably with new great friends. so i'm lucky i suppose, or smart for choosing the right kind of outlet. it's funny feeling so full with personality and life, and yet feeling inadaquate and young all at the same time. i'm constantly redirecting my direction. and it's what i need to be doing, and i can enjoy it, even when i feel sad or shy or unknown (lots of ppl feel the same, i'm sure). it's just a matter of what we do, what we allow ourselves to experience, what we decide against doing. becoming... "never stop becoming" (don't know who that quote is by).


sleep time for me.

Jodi

myths (and truths) about LC

So some people will probably tell you that my school is kind of WEIRD! (the topic comes up in conversation a lot as well-- "our schools SO weird!.... I LOVE IT!")

First of all... we address the "tree huggers," they are real, I have proof:




Second... there ARE sports, believe it or not, no we're not as crazy as those Reed kids, we HAVE a football team (kind of). There weren't enough players this year to play the normal season games, but I did go to the game against Occidental from CA, and I took a picture at this wonderful moment that we actually made it to the 50 yard line!




As far as the rain goes... I'm convinced that it doesn't really rain a lot here, because I've had so many beautiful days that look like this:




and I read books while laying in the green grass...



So why is it so weird? I don't know, I guess cause people like ME go here. The only way to really know how it is here is to VISIT! Hope you enjoyed the pictures... :)

license to believe

i spent the afternoon in the park in portland doing "pot-luck in the park," an organized pot luck to feed homeless people downtown. It was great! I got to hand out lots and lots of FOOD to hungry people. All had to do was show up to help, so much food had been donated from bakeries, and they even had icecream from baskin robins, and lots of cake. I was in charge of the bread (how appropriate), and we had loaves and loaves to give to people. I probably helped feed about 600 people.

as i was leaving i saw lots of people talking with eachother over their overflowing plates of food, sharing leftovers, and smiling and laughing. I left with a sense that there is good in the world, and that when people come together to help eachother out, it really pays off. it's okay to want to help people in this city, it's okay to want to make this city a community, no matter what socio-economic background you have. i don't have to defend myself in wanting to help and to contribute. i feel very hopeful for humanity, having experienced today.

it's so nice not giving money, but instead giving time to people, a word or two, some food, a smile. i'll have to sit down and eat with some of them next time, i had to catch the shuttle back because i still have homework to do.

i love this city, not only am i accepted for wanting to help, but there are so many venues to volunteer through and make thoughts/words/hope into actions and experiences.

i miss home!

Jodi McLaren
Lewis & Clark College
PO BOX 1884
0615 S.W. Palatine Hill Road
Portland, OR 97219


(I'll just put my address there.... you can help bring me out of my sad mood by sending little pieces of home through letters or whatever you want to make me super happy)

While I realize college is amazing, I also realize I'm farrr far away. If it's a question of survival, well of course I'll make it. But in terms of emotional/mental motivation and happiness... well couldn't we all use a little boost there to make our lives more meaningful and especially great? yeah. maybe i'll find good music in the city tomorrow night. maybe i'll actually start my homework tonight. maybe i'll forget how sad i've been this week. call me crazy but i really like BEN LEE, his simple music is calming and nice. and one last topic change- i'm working at the co-op tonight and it should be great. now.. find your envelopes and stamps. (please!)


unless you have some bettter solution, in which case you can comment? or do both?

a piece of greece in portland!

tonight we celebrated 3 ppls birthdays down in portland at a greek restaurant topped with good food, plate-breaking, greek dancing, live guitar playing, and belly dancing! just an all out amazing night. i felt like i was in italy again-- for the reason that everyone in the restaurant just didnt feel american! by which i mean-- americans are usually so freakin uptight and like.. always commenting on the actions of other ppl but not making any ACTIONS of our own, when i think of america i dont think of the word OPA!! or of strangers holding hands and dancing in a circle with a fat greek man. but we really ARE in america, and an atmosphere so welcoming and extravagant and exciting is 10 minutes from campus.

i met a bunch of beautiful young mexican ladies that were at the table next to ours who danced the night away and sang happy birthday in spanish at the top of their lungs for the three ppl who had birthdays!

i couldn't have been happier when i finally realized i had cell phone service in the city and voice messages andd andrew norsworthy left a message on my phone, he just played at jen lemens tonight! how cool, i wonder how it went, i'll have to call him back and also call jen tomorrow.

i'm rambling, the point of the blog is-- america is cool too, always be ready to belly-dance and talk to strangers, they might be really awesome and you might have a lot of fun looking like a wild person and dancing with a really large seductive greek man.


OPA! (... goodnight)

weekend trips and coming "home"

After 3 days of no shower and below freezing temperatures and rain and yes, eventually sunshine and a beautiful day on Waldo Lake, I felt soo happy to be back at my dorm, with a warm bed awaiting me, and a warm shower, and warm clothes, and warm... okay you get the idea (it was COLD this weekend!!). I felt happy to see my floor-mates, I felt happy to have toilets that flush and our showers with little shower curtains that barely cover the shower area!

Then I wanted to catch up! So I asked like 2 ppl how their weekend was. But thennn I realllly wanted to catch up, like how was Mike and Kat and Rach's weekend? How was my family's weekend? How are things back in THAT home?

This home on campus in Portland is providing me with the essentials to live comfortably and the opportunity to do a lot more than live comfortably (i.e- meet tons of cool ppl, get to know people, work at the co-op, play frisbee, learn, read, write, look at stars, play music...). My real home provides me with more love than I've ever experienced, or all the full love that i have experienced, people who know me deeply, and how rach said in her blog "make day to day living soo meaningful" (not a direct quote). Both sound pretty good, right?

And they are both really good. So I'm in a good position. A good position that sort of brings tears to my eyes at times.

Its funny to think of the things I miss and how they can't be just re-created with any person... Like it can physically be re-created, but the dynamics all change. playing my music for ppl here is so different from playing my music back home, and theres a million other things i've yet to experience out here that won't quite have the same feel as they do back home.

I'm happy to be here though. I just can't or wouldnt dare to forget how beautiful my home is, and how nice it would be to experience it again whenever I wanted.

paper writing for inventing america calls me off... letter writing has begun though, this should be fun. mike already made my day with the package he sent, snail mail is the wayy to go.

lots of love, so much that i don't know where to go with it!

Jodi

taking control

it's so important to get up in the morning and feel good about the first thing you do, it sets the tone for a wonderful day to follow. yesterday was the prime example, i woke up, took a shower, and walked around the woods of LC campus with my guitar on my back and my journal in my purse and wound up sitting in the rose garden playing guitar and writing some poetry. nothing too incredible, i kept reverting back to this phrase i've been singing to: "if less is more, then i want more"
(which is like saying I want less.. but not exactly...) anyway, this was very soothing for my introversion, and also for my beauty-meter, if i can call it that... It's so easy for us to leave all these intangible yet really really important things out of our conversations and thoughts. Things like BEAUTY or LOVE or community or justice or expression or inspiration or growth or character. stuff that we all know exists, but its hard to point at these attributes blindly so we often forget how real they are and how important they are to our state of being.

whats cool about life is that we can indulge in beauty and love and growth and inspiration through our choices. We decide what to do, who to spend time with, how we spend our time, what we read, what impact what we read has on our lives, what we contemplate... but as many intelligent people that came before us, theres some quote i cant remember that basically says that its a matter of what we do with hardship that determines our character, because in times of hardship we feel much more limited and are forced to make bigger/more difficult decisions. i guess, then, other days of making conscious decisions to feed our hunger for meaning and life and beauty, and creating that sort of habit well give us the kind of energy we need to be able to process through things. that's my hope at least.

i feel like my blog might start turning into how i'm managing to think about the types of things that were challenged through going to church and being a christian, now that i'm not so concerned with the church part (but i'm still concerned with how to feed my appetite for truth and meaning). will the two ends merge back together into some new-found belief or decision upon religion? i'm not quite sure. but i do know that there are things in this world i need to do to keep myself going, and doing those things frees me up to be able to give to other people and not be insecure, and be able to smile and say hello to random people on campus without being concerned about anything-- because i have gained my energy from the beauty in the world, and its reflected in my composure, in my emotional state, in my comfort with myself.

ben lee knows what i mean--- "wake up, and do it, whatever it is." life is much fuller that way.


don't you think?

small moment of feeling alive

i was reading elective affinities for my english class on the grass, in the sun (when not blocked by clouds), outside of my dorm. The book went in and out of being interesting, but I was happy to be outside in the warmth of the sun. Among people walking to and from their dorms, the sound of an acoustic guitar caught my ear (as it usually does). Some guy was walking around playing this beautiful guitar delicately, and it sounded very beautiful. He walked away, I kept reading my book, then he returned and I looked up and waved and he walked over and asked what I was doing... "I'm reading, what about yourself?"


"I'm writing a soundtrack to this beautiful day... I'm really just playing the same thing over and over again."


that's awesome.


I stopped reading and looked up at the clouds for a while as my background music walked away further into the beauty of today.

how do you mean?!

So I've basically finished the Republic by Plato in a week! And I was so happy to see that phrase printed numerous times because back home Yash would always be saying "how do you MEAN??" and there it was, in old school greek times being said like it was normal.

So it seems like justice is quite hard to define, but pretty darn important, and that Plato would love to see us living in one communal women-children sharing community of giving and receiving to achieve what each individual needs. there's a lot of other stuff going on in that book, like noble lies and how democracies form and all kinds of stuff, it's really cool actually.

i've enjoyed reading in lots of different atmospheres, there's a cool looking tree near the frank manor building and then theres the grass near the reflecting pool, hey the grass right outside my dorm aint so bad either, basically outside is the place to read.

i've found that i'm very forgetful.. i've been locked out of my room 3 times, one of which i ended up walking around campus with no shoes at night (which people don't think is so weird here). today i left my purse in my first class and got the RA to let me in my dorm and i checked my email-- someone had used my id to search my name nad sent an email telling me where they'd put my purse (which had my ID, my bank card, my digital cam, my cell phone, etc. in it). luckily people are tight enough to do something like that.

i was thinking while walking to get my purse, how nice it feels to not have a purse or a backpack or ANYTHING on me other than my clothes, and how foreign the idea of walking around alone for the sake of walking around, without any mission at all, is so rare. i guess we all find comfort in purpose, or maybe its that schedules consume our time to the point hwere there is always SOMEthing to be done, and whether you feel like it or not, you better be heading in the direction of completing what you ought to do. i guess i had a fight club moment where i thought "what if i just didn't pick up my purse?" haha... but of course i wanted lunch and a key to my dorm... and all the other stuff in my purse (trust me theres a LOT of random stuff in my purse). but it's quite nice to feel unattached and free, reading in the grass is about as close to that as i get cause its both productive and freeing.

i started voice lessons. i'll be both improving vocally and coming to grips with the part of me that feels soooo crappy for not knowing how to read music. because when the topic comes up i feel so inferior i want to run away and cry! i have cried about that actually, since auditioning and getting cut from choir (visit my poetry page for a poetic analysis of my emotional state after auditioning-- www.openpoetry.blogspot.com). yeah i got cut... i choked in the rehearsal, which is something i thought would be rare. but not when ppl are questioning your classical music knowledge of ZERO, and when my ego jumps from star 18 year old song writer with a CD to... beginner bottom of the barrel choir singer.

i know better than to equate both forms of music. but i'm dealing with some funny feelings, some close to anger, some more on the sadness scale, some empowering and motivated, like "oh, you're gonna cut ME? wellll that's just fine, i got other places to go and sing.

its friday and the start of a 3 day weekend, i'm going to do some open mic with a girl i met at lunch down in portland at brittany's church or someplace near there. should be fun!

so dealing with failure seems to be up on the ranks right now, but its mixed in with so many people and classes and readings that i'll deal when its most convenient, and i did sign up for voice lessons, which i'll probably be paying for, and they're not cheap! so the challenge now-- to try to make some dollars by performing in the city. wish me luck, and encouragement is always loved and cherished...

later for now!

Jodi