that small empty space

some people say there's a "god-shaped" hole in all of us that needs to be filled with GOD or comfort or peace or whatever it is. It's weird to think that no matter how much stuff goes right, there can still be a tiny little place of emptiness in all of us. I think we tag different names to what is missing. Some people think that it's a relationship that isn't there, that dream boy, the happily-in-love-ready-to-get-married picture that just hasnt been handed to us. Some people think it's a job, or a talent, or a sense of purpose. Some people think it's mind stimulation and motivation, that just isn't there. Whatever it is, for how amazing each person can be, hiding somewhere is this space that's empty.

I'm trying not to be so quick to fill it either. I mean, you may think, if i knew how to fill it, i'd go get it taken care of, kind of like getting cured of some disease; it should be urgent. But it's not that urgent, sometimes that space is really just the possibility of something new. The empty space is uncertainty, it's uncomfortableness, it's vulnerability, it's fear, it's anger, it's the source of so much that drives us. It's enough to make some people want to give up the never-ending "struggle" of life. But without it we're confident, we're secure, we're stagnant, we're comfortable, we're complacant. We think we've got it all figured out. Where would you rather be? Sometimes we can't really choose where we are. There's still stuff that's missing in my life. It's almost like a disease we have not yet recognized in order to begin to find the cure. So rather than panic or give up or try to fix it right away with methods that work for certain situations, i let it be.

What's missing could be fulfilled in the future, but what's missing might just stop being important, who's to say minds and hearts dont change? I guess it's a scary place to go.. like to take into consideration that maybe you don't have it all figured out, but without that you're never going to change and think about new things, and that is important to me at least at this point in my life. So I welcome the void of possibility and doubt and questioning, because it's part of me and part of living. as uncomfortable as it is... it IS. and that is all.



Jodi

mind-opening; eternal sunshine meets real science

My family just started getting the washington post everyday (before we only got it on sundays) so it happened to be sitting on the table, and i glanced at the front page. There was the usual info on elections and whatnot, and then this other article titled "Is every memory worth keeping?" .. if you've got the time you should definitely read it!

Basically scientists discovered this drug that can be used after traumatizing experiences to alieviate the stress associated with the memory of the event. Immediately i thought of eternal sunshine of the spotless mind (a movie i also recommend!) and just pictured that scenerio happening in real life! Fortunately (or unfortunately) they can't completely erase memories, but the studies are in progress and people are going right now for post-traumatic stress problems to get help... but its weird to think how many other areas of peoples lives this stuff could be used/misused in. Apparently marajuana is being used in this study also.

which got me thinking... who decides whether or not it's okay to take this medicine to feel better about a sucky memory? Most people, including myself, would say.. the person should be able to decide given that they are the only ones who can know the trauma and how bad it is... but when you give a person that much freedom they really can use it any way they want. I mean, take weed for example, weed reduces stress and some people have some stressful lives, so the only difference there is that its illegal for someone to use. I mean people can come up with so many reasons for doing what they do, and you can't really stop that process, because it would be like stopping the research their doing in any controversial field. follow that thought?

so if doing drugs is justified by science, what then? i mean.. i think it really comes down to who you are and whether or not you trust the natural way your life goes without any type of drugs. I'm sure people didn't always have a bottle of ibuprofen in their kitchen to take when they had headaches, but we dont seem to be too upset about that now. i know you pick your battles and whatnot, but this could change the way you look at people. or it could atleast change what you think you know, like what happens to be wrong or right with lots of issues...

i do like issues like this though for the thrill of there being something unexperienced or unseen or not fully explained or understood. I'm not really for the memory-reducing pill, but the fact that some people are being offered it just defies anything i thought was possible. that barrier remark of "oh it's just a movie" is really getting broken down, cause crazy stuff that happens in these sci-fi movies like eternal sunshine can actually happen!

the only bad thing is.. i can see the next debate over whether or not its right (just like the debates on abortion or stem-cell research) when really it's in the idea that it might be right or wrong and we don't know, that this wild mind-opening experience can be lived. instead of taking a side, wrestle with the idea and give both sides a sincere thought. now dont you just wanna read the article? click.

later,
Jodi

rock on

wow, i just got home a little while ago from the amazing ROCK THE BARN concert. we sold over 100 tickets (many many thanks to Theres Always Forever and the planning help!). I've been sick all week, including today, but i feel really great about the whole night. The barn hasn't seen an event this big in a long time! This means we'll be having many many more shows in the future... So i will let everyone know when the next one shall be!

i played some new songs tonight, had a really good time up there too! I mean, i've been stressed the past 2 days, and not able to practice much with this whole sickness the past week... so i had no clue what to expect, but there was just a vibe about tonight, like the second ppl started showing up, i was wide awake and ready to go. I'm feeling more comfortable wtih my voice too... like experimenting all types of bold things with HIGH notes, and its fun, and ppl like it!

i'm so glad for outlets like music. I mean not only is it an outlet, but its like this crazy connector, drawing lines to people in the audience. I mean people i may not have even looked at during the performance (which was probably a lot cuz my eyes were closed a lot this time!), but even those ppl could be effected somehow, and like thats just amazing. You'd think you atleast have to meet someone to do some good in their life, and like thats true with lots of things, but music even conquers that feat. I just love it.

not only was the night great, but the future is looking great too, thanks to the money we made tonight, we're gonna be able to do some great things for the kids in guatemala. There's a few possible places that the money will go... the fact is- there is money and its going to make a difference! what a great time.

if you came, i hope you liked it! If you didn't come, come next time! I will be working on recording stuff, no doubt. Hope you all are excited about some more events and love music almost as much as i do :)


i was kind of thinking about when i first started this thing with music and writing... i mean i was embarrassed of what i wrote for a while! i think we all go through some time thats just very... insecure and like we need ppl right there assuring us that we're cool people. I guess i'm saying i'm real glad that time is over, because i'm so comfortable now, and like genuinely happy with myself. no boyfriend, no record deal, buts its not always about that, its about life and loving it, and learning from all those insecurities and becoming someone you can look at in the mirror and smile at. hopefully thats not too weird-sounding to practice, i guess it all goes to say, i'm comfortable being me, because i'm actually able to express myself in an honest way, its a beautiful thing.

thanks again for makin my night!


time for sleep...

Jodi

signs and changing minds

its getting kind of late, and i have work tomorrow (today) at 10... but you know, that type of stuff isn't that important anyway. It's been quite an interesting day. I took the SATs this morning, and for as much as i dreaded it, there were two verrry good reading sections that i enjoyed, which is always cool. i mean if you're gonna have a standardized test, its cool to see some interesting essays in there that aren't "in the norm". We all need a little eccentricity in our lives, my life just happens to effuse eccentricity. (can you say SAT WORDS? hopefully i used them correctly, but who cares).

i had some time to myself this afternoon and picked up the guitar, drew a pair of jeans, listened to ani, and realized i was late for work (after being called on my cell phone and informed that my shift started at 4, not 5). another slow day at pepperjacks, which was especially slow... i think i cleaned the same counters about 10 times just to pass time. so you're probably wondering wahts even interesting abotu this day?

well i got an email... about a dream someone had of me writing a really good song, so it must be a sign that i'll write this really good song. and so that got my mind going (this is when i picked up the guitar), no real magic happened, but it was good to play and i had a lot running through my head. its relaxing to play a few chords and sing out a song. a song that's never been sung before and will probably never sound the same way as it does the first time put one together. it's so relaxing cause i close my eyes and sing and focus on the sounds and the world disappears, and its just this song, that i'm not even listening to because i'm in the middle of each instant of vibration of vocal chords and guitar strings.

at work ryan and i had a conversation about memory, and how most ppl dont start to remember things until they're three. its cool to think that life is created and can't speak for itself using words... i just kind of wonder if some experiences can't be expressed using words; you don't have to know some crazy vocabulary to have real-life experiences that go really deep. kind of like when you're a baby and you're hungry, and you don't know the word hunger but you still have that same feeling. can't that happen now? i'm experiencing _____ and it can't be described accurately based on my knowledge about life. i dont mean that as a cop-out but i think its true sometimes.

i dont know whats a worse feeling to me: not agreeing with ppl i love, or not understanding someones motivations that seem negative to me. i get sad when i think about all those kids who died a few weekends ago in car crashes that were our age, and still see people getting inebriated/high like its no big deal... there i have some vocab for you, but it doesnt matter cause in this case the words don't do much explaining or much resolving. Days like this i feel a little too different. there's no true consensus on a lot of issues, and trying to make sure my view is right doesn't mean others will be open to a different lens. i guess we're all the same in that we want to be understood. but the level of importance of issues varies from person to person. you get the idea... i'm gonna stop there, and go to bed. but as a page in my journal says "my mind never sleeps". i'll write again eventually



keep livin well,
Jodi

outside the box

wow, its so beautiful outside. I don't miss the summer, i'm rather enjoying the sunshine mixed with a cool breeze. Granted, its getting dark earlier which isn't always cool, but i guess that means more time for star-gazing! haha... hopeless romantic i am.

i'm reading catcher in the rye for the first time. The guy is such an NF gone wrong, i relate but then like look at better ways to feel the way he does yet enjoy life and not always be depressed by it. You know, its real important to appreciate life. not just life, but the people in your life, not just the people in your life, but what the people in your life are doing, how their feeling, how their changing, how their changing you, how you're changing them. Just to step back and appreciate that is an amazing accomplishment, if i can call it an accomplishment. I mean, really, I realize how incredibly impacted i am by friends i love, and it makes me feel so empowered.

I forget what the quote was from the previews of "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" but it was something to the extent of, "if you want to change the world, be changed by the world." And that is tight to me, because if you ever wonder if what you do is at all changing/influencing others or making a difference, one thing rob used to respond with is the question- "are you effected/influenced/changed by other people?" and its like of course i am! And that kind of answers it. I mean if you can honestly say another person has changed you or opened up a new side of you or whatever, then you can know that its possible and you're mostlikely contributing to others.

If we spend all our life saying "this isn't good enough" and cracking jokes that demean the greatness in other people, we're never going to let those people in. We're always going to be disappointed, wishing for something else. And sometimes i just think that instead of staying there in the disappointment and the cynical/pessimistic mindset-- we can actually do something. We can be the person to love and reach out and try new things and become hopeful about all that we pursue.

call me someone thats in love with change and growing and idealism or whatever the hell you wanna call me, but things really can work out, there is a way to genuinely be happy, no matter how much your brain works to find the bad news.

now theres a flipside, and i dont know if i should bother going there, but pain is real too. it's so real, like pain is where most of my music comes from which is weird but i think thats part of what makes it easy to connect with because anyone who lives or pushes limits or whatever is going to experience pain. as an amazing friend of mine put it "it's okay to be blue". and it is.

because eventually the tables turn and you're back in control, not of the way you feel, but of the way you act and the way you perceive the world. So many possibilities, where you are is everything, and where you are changes. it's cool.

i was talking to linnaea (a new found friend/youth group leader) today after youth group, just saying like christains want to have "the truth" and maybe we just have a part of it and so do other religions. But to take that a step further, i think people say we have the truth and think that the truth is some great thing like its a positive thing to have. But the truth can be really sucky too. i mean what if the truth is that war is necessary, or something crazy that i dont want to be true. in that sense you cant really own the truth at all. you just cant own it. You can tap into it or be exposed to it but owning it isn't something i think we're meant to do. and i'm cool with that.

i kind of hate that within christainity- people who experience freedom in areas that are "sin-zones" are looked at as cheaters or careless or as people that are just ignoring the bible. I don't like that view at all; to me it's like because i care and i want to live, i'm open to looking outside my religion and outside christain statements i'm not comfortable making (that sometimes seem to be at the core of christianity, in the church atleast). So most people are scared of that, because if i dont believe my friends are going to hell, then i'm not really a christain, or if i dont think jesus is the be all and end all, then i'm not really a christain. But what if thats not the most important thing to be? and by questioning and being brave enough to step away, its like showing people that its possible to believe new things, we're not stuck.

We're never stuck, it's just a question of whether being stuck is worse than trying something new. and if we're brave enough to untangle ourselves from what's holding us down. Extricate ourselves from those statements we're not ready to make.


we live such powerful lives man, i dont know if you realize it. just don't be afraid of that.

Jodi