be yourself.

that's a nice cliche phrase that'll grab your attention... the forever-given dating advice. it's not such a bad idea you know, to be yourself all the time. let's take dating as the prime example. why wouldn't you be yourself when dating? probably because you're trying to impress someone, and you're willing to act as someone you think they'd be impressed by rather than be yourself. you're looking for outward affirmation, and being yourself comes from within who you are no matter who's watching. so the main competetor with "being yourself" is being accepted by others. now of course there are times when you are yourself and someone is impressed by who you are, whether its in dating or in friendship. but because of all the initial complication of who we are when we're trying to impress ppl (which i don't see as a bad thing--if we weren't trying to impress ppl, would we ever reach out at all?)... it's hard to know what being yourself even means. naturally we're inclined to be self-conscious around new people, theres a lot of easy ways to get lost in who we're not in order to ultimately find who we are.


as i sit in my bed at home and reflect over the past 3 months, and the past weekend here, i have felt much more myself and much more comfortable being myself than i ever knew i could feel. there's ppl from my high school (who i dont know very well) who i used to feel uncomfortable around who i would sort of act differently towards, or feel isolated around-- but this weekend its as if all those boundaries of popularity or differences had melted away. i have a lot of experiences under my belt that i can talk about that mean something to me (this whole college experience in portland), and i'm comfortable with who i'm becoming.

i still have that natural inclination to want to impress people who i think are great. but there's no bitterness anymore in being who i am. the more i create and accept who i am, the more other ppl will be able to atleast get a clear view of me to know how they feel towards me...

i was having a conversation the other day with leana about how when ppl do things they are passionate about that spring from who they are, other ppl benefit so much from that, other ppl are actually impacted. and the opposite is true as well (with teaching and other things). i think we ended up saying-- who ELSE is gonna be you? there's no one like you on this earth, so you had better be yourself and do something you're passionate about.

i've been thankful for so much this thanksgiving-- for the ppl who've filled my heart and helped me discover my identity, for the countless experiences that have challenged me, for nights in the arms of a beautiful guy, for growth and feeling like i've come a long way to a better place... and that i'm not done "getting" to that "better place" that can only get better and sweeter and more full of life the more i live and experience life as me. with all my preferences, dreams, passions, inspirations, and joy. thats what i'm here to do.

quick library thought

i'm in the "no-talking" section of the library working on a paper... which is good because it's saturday and i'm trying not to procrastinate. but of course my thoughts wander! this guy behind me just said "three" out loud, and that was all. maybe it's because i'm tired, but it totally made me think of people being asleep in a room... and when you're sleeping you're quiet, nobody is talking, unless someone talks in their sleep... and then its always really strange when ppl talk in their sleep because they've obviously been dreaming about something and that one word makes a lot of sense in the context of the dream, but you can only wonder at hearing that spoken blob of words what/who/when it's really about. well-- i'll be going back to sleep now in my library dream of writing english papers.

clarity!

everything happens for a reason. things that i discovered today:

i'm in a good place


growing up is necessary, and really good


i have such a purpose on this earth and i need to wake up every morning with that in mind


kelly bean is an INFP, and she's an adult! (they exist, and are cool!)


we're smarter than we think we are.


God approves my journey.


i'm going to learn italian and go to italy


i am where i am for a reason


it's so good to TALK about what i'm feeling (esp. talking to rach and kathleen)


IT TAKES TIME! (damnit.!)


it's an answer if you want it to be an answer.


LOVE changes everything.


there are things happening that are above me that work in my favor.


i have to choose to follow what i'm about HERE (which includes figuring out what i'm about)

HERE where no one knows what i WAS about... i need to define what i am about.


i knew all of this before i ever got here (that it would be hard)... i forget that so often! its supposed to be hard, remember! its not weird or abnormal. its quite the opposite.



i'm grateful for the people in my life. (credits... brittany ouchida, kelly bean, ashley, rachael, kathleen, cleaning little kids bikes last night, deborah loyd, jen lemen) -- lol that is my citation because not all those thoughts are mine (yes the mark of a true college student... footnotes), okay cool. i need to study. peace


jodi

non fiction and truman capote

i just saw Capote today... really great movie, i recommend it. supposedly truman capote introduced the non-fiction novel with his novel "in cold blood" written about a murder that took place in kansas. capote researched how the town was affected and befriended the criminals who committed the crime, and ended up with such a compelling story because of the truth he was able to uncover in his conversations with the criminals.

the thing is... like non-fiction, or real life, or movies based on real life-- humans aren't ALL hero, they fall short, they're not perfect. like capote could've worked harder to keep his friends from facing the death sentence, but he sort of gives up on them.

i just felt so affected by this movie, because there's always so much we "could've done" in life. and there are ways to verbally justify yourself and say... i did all i could, but thats rarely ever the case. sometimes we give up, or fall short of whatever "hero" we hope ourselves to be. and those sorts of decisions can result in letting other ppl down.. which sucks! letting ppl you love down.

none of us are heros really. sure, sometimes we are for a certain cause in a certain time and place. but in the span of life, we're not one big building happy ending of some secure above-average lifestyle. we're a great mix of a lot of things. pain is one affect of many that results from the crimes and the deeds. true stories really pull those emotions right out, because everyone can relate, even to the most unsuspecting ppl, the most different ppl, the most condemned ppl. so i think there's got to be a way to abdicate that pain. maybe its forgiveness of sins, maybe its crying, maybe its recreating and renewing and taking new directions in life.

change your clock

thats right. the time changed like 2 weeks ago, another hour was magically inserted into our lives... no big deal right? another hour of sleep and it's dark at 6pm instead of 7pm, and life goes on. meanwhile i see two times when i look at the clock, like right now its 11:49... 2:49 east coast.

i guess i already wrote a song about missing familiar things and referring to the time differences ending it with the line "the sun is rising it's 6 o clock, your 9 o clock... i guess i know, why they say 'it takes time'--it's only time."

but i was looking further into it. the more i think in terms of east coast time, which is 3 hours ahead... it's like i'm not allowing those 3 extra hours to exist, and this magical time change was more than just a time change, it feels like a new country i'm living in. lots of immigrant authors write about moving to the united states and feeling like they were slowly being drained of their roots/of their culture and their home. and i guess i feel like there is a parallel between that struggle and the struggle of becoming more of an adult. maybe becoming an adult doesn't mean anything and i can continue to live my curious life and not have to "knuckle down" and not have to be strong. but regardless, i have this feeling of loss.

if i think of where i grew up and all my past experiences as all parts of a fabric that i wore that people had some recollection of when they saw it, because they'd been there for my experiences... then moving here was like having that cloth removed. or blindly viewed at best.

so i'm just feeling all of that these past couple of days. but i've talked to some people about it; there's a lot of ppl i really love out here. it's not really a here v.s. there comparison i'm trying to make. because with the open choice i'd stay here without a doubt.

i just got handed 3 hours and i didn't know what to do with it. the time changed 2 weeks ago and we slept another hour at the sake of some day light in the late afternoon. it's a trade off-- and you can't get time back. sometimes i wonder who i'm most connected with and wonder how the balance got so fucked up. how best friends went from getting 7 days of my time in a week to a few hours. and how family went from having brief daily conversations to having brief weekly conversations. more time on the phone wouldn't really solve the struggle, wouldn't erase this gap in time and space. i suppose it'll take something else-- something new. everything is so new! sheesh. and i love the newness too.

sex, marriage, DH Lawrence

hey people,

so i just read Lady Chatterley's Lover by DH Lawrence, and we've been discussing it in my Love and the Novel class, and I just think it's such a great book. DH Lawrence basically creates this whole story about rejecting society or whats not so great about society (materialism, wealth, meaninglessness) and a lot of how he sees people being liberated is through sex.. but not just any sex-- he distinguishes what is "conterfeit sex" and meaningful sex. so i was reading the afterward written by DH Lawrence about his book this morning and i just had this great respect for what he was writing. he had this striking metaphor about love today, and how it's disconnected from the universe...

"Oh what a catastrophe, what a maiming of love when it was made a personal, merely personal feeling, taken away from the rising and the setting of the sun, and cut off from the magic connection of the solstice and the equinox! This is what is the matter with us. We are bleeding at the roots, because we are cut off from the earth and sun and stars, and love is a grinning mockery, becuase, poor blossom, we plucked it from its stem on the tree of Life, and expected it to keep on blooming in our civilised vase on the table"

i really just recommend that ppl read the book, or atleast read the "a propos" at the end of the book, cause it'll make you think. he talks about how christianity's greatest contribution to man is the idea of marriage, but then asks: "is marriage a great help to the fulfilment of man and woman, or is it a frustration? It is a very important question indeed, and every man and woman must answer it."

he then describes marriage as being a fulfillment of the soul during life-- relating it to "saving souls" and protestantism saying if he was bent on saving his soul, he wouldn't need marriage, or if he just wanted to save other ppls souls he wouldnt need marriage, but marriage is for life, for living, not something you "post-pone till the after-death."

so i love all of this excerpt because he's really just speaking about a real kind of love that is able to fulfill, when you're not just trying to get your own personal needs or sexual pleasures individually; that life and marriage and all of it is a shared experience that can be amazing.

he's just a great writer! i mean the book was banned for its sexual content for quite some time... his response is great:

"keep your perversions if you like them--your perversions of puritanism, your perversions of smart licentiousnous, your perversions of a dirty mind. But I stick to my book and my position: Life is only bearable when the mind and the body are in harmony, and there is a natural balance between the two, and each has a natural respect for the other."


so it leaves me feeling inspired and hopeful for a meaningful relationship and experiencing life where the mind and the body work together and neither is ashamed of the other. makes me want something real rather than something rushed or forced. something natural. death cab wrote a song about it on their new cd called "soul meets body." the first verse:

"I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new"

DH Lawrence wrote "Augustine said that God created the universe new every day: and to the living, emotional soul, this is true... And the soul of man and the soul of woman is new in the same way, with the infinite delight of life and the ever-newness of life."


gotta love those NF authors, right down to the core of soul searching for meaning! literature like this makes you alive and aware, mostly out of its honesty i think.