lots to feel-- so i feel

there's lots of great things going on. going home does not stunt the growth of this wonderful year. it just takes a little time to adjust and then get back in the swing of things.

i went into pepperjack's, i'll be working there again, no big deal. tasty subs for me!

staying up til 5 30 am TALKING and time just flying by with the importance of reall conversations and sharing sweet passages from books together... i can't really say whats better.

go see munich! it will make your heart ache if you let it.


there's plenty to feel on this earth, everyday, and there's so much to do in order to move someplace new or someplace old...


be sure you're doing what you need to be doing.

like with pepperjack's, at first i was thinking-- i don't want to sit around and make sandwiches all day, that is not going to be fulfilling. but then i think about it... and i can make working at pepperjack's whatever i want! you interact with lots of ppl everyday, and those interactions are priceless, and those subs i'm making are GOOD! haha, andd of course, it couldn't hurt to pick up some money while i have the time to do it. cause lord knoows college takes all your money!


i'm going to go dabble in some SARK, thanks to rachh :) it's good to be back.


ooh i'm going to leave you with a quote from a book -- (going to search through these new books)...

"allow yourself to feel rich without money." - sark

"no living think--including a relationship--can blossom in awareness when weighed down by expectations" - hugh prather

there's plenty more to enjoy in these books and others! take some time to read this break, just little bits. ah, i believe it is time for a shower and some food.

hope you're enjoying where you're at right now. and if you're not, ask what you can do differently? guess it starts when you stopp reading this. which will be now. (but thanks for checking up with my life and my thoughts!) adios, good luck tackling your day-to-day necessities, however large or small they may be.

few things i've learned

the semester is over, i can't believe what a wild ride its been, i've grown a whole lot... heres a few things i've learned


- things change... even those things you think will never change

- sleep, when avoided for too long, causes sickness

- it's good to cry

- sharing hardships with people is necessary in order to build friendships

- you're never too old to build forts/dress up for halloween/play twister/sing the backstreet boys... :)

- the sun is something to be appreciated and felt, outside, no matter how cold it is.

- finals week doesn't have to suck... all you need is some indigo girls, some awesome ppl in platt west, a trip to the city, and rocking chairs on the third floor balcony of templeton.

- no matter where you are in this world, you carry who you are.

- mint chocolate chip icecream is amazing

- guys in college aren't THAT much better than guys in high school

- portland is a great city

- it is really hard to live in 2 different places. (i'm always going to be missing someone/someplace)

- i love my family so much, and don't appreciate them enough.

- everyone can give something, everyone's got something to offer.


there's so much i DON'T know. but a huge part of life is lacking things, being scared, unsure, feeling lost or guilty or stuck... if we never lacked anything, we'd never grow... we'd never know how to appreciate what we have. it's all part of being human, having these highs and lows and inbetweens. i'm sort of glad my experiences can't be explained generically. as convenient as it would be to be able to articulate every emotion/situation perfectly, sometimes we just have to get through with the sentence fragments of unfinished thoughts.

for a word from the postal service -- "everything will change, ooo." everything? yeah. scary stuff-- i think another word for it is "growth" and it sure isn't easy.


looking forward to home tomorrow,

jodi

if only in my dreams

i had this dream that i had an awesome time swimming in some lake, and it was warm, and there were ppl. it was lots of fun!

:)

i keep dreaming that i'm home too!




i'll be home for christmassss (i like linking stuff in my title to stuff in my blog)

self critical

i am so self critical! sooo self critical.

i've sort of beat myself up about all this ridiculous feelings i've felt this week. why did i expect so much? why was i soo idealistic and hopeful? why can't i get any work done when i'm an emotional wreck? why can't i talk to ppl when i'm really really upset and confused? why haven't i done laundry in time so i dont have to be wearing one dirty sock today? i'll spare you the rest of the things i don't especially love about myself. i think that's what this whole relationship not working out comes down to. i'd be FINE if i could just remember all the great things about myself and really feel like they matter over the approval or disapproval of any one else. that's the hardest thing to do. when you got someone sitting there admiring all these wonderful things about you and then wanting to hold onto that and take their freedom so that you can just have that support there all the time. but that's not fair really. i need to do that for myself! i don't need a cheerleader, well sure i like i having that a whole lot, but don't we all like to be praised for who we really are?

who i really am still remains... even when those words die or drift.

so i was really bitter at first and just like -- of course this didn't work out. thinking it was a mark on my character for expecting something else.


i just had a quick epiphany after zoning out after writing that sentence. i'm sitting here listening to ani difranco because she makes me feel better. and i sort of thought how there are ppl (yes.. this is a sad fact to acknowledge in my life) who don't like ani difranco, or would see my little self-therapy session right now as being a bit trite or shallow. but to that i say it's all how you see it! it's sort of like Opera Winfrey-- she's doing sooo many great things in this world and ppl still look at her as being shallow or self-fulfilling. or like i read an article in the pio log today that was the "devils advocate" against thanksgiving, saying we're just saying what we're thankful for at the dinner table so we can get on with eating the delicious food while other ppl are starving. and i read it and thought, well i do say what i'm thankful for at other times in my life, and it's a good practice to do! it is what you make it. and i guess that there will always be that devils advocate somewhere in the outside world, and really somewhere within ourselves for everything we ever decide to do. but that we have to let ourselves be justified despite that.

yes i listen to ani when i'm upset! but atleast i know how to get through being upset! it works for me.

it just takes a better understanding of our nature as humans. we're not complete-- we need things outside ourselves, and that is not a flaw. it is something to be considered, not laughed at. if what we need is to start a talk show that is meant to help other ppl and thats what we get from the outside world, i think that's an incredible way of being human.

so besides listening to ani right now, i'm happy about who i am. these are some things about myself i feel good about:

-that i can write down how i'm feeling and make music out of it. this is a huge one because it's such a part of who i am. and it's such an accomplishment to be able to work through a song that ends up being filled with meaning that someone can hear and maybe understand and feel understood. i could go on forever about this. i started writing a song yesterday.

-that i can laugh when i'm crying

-that i really do just want to LOVE.

-that i have dreams

-that i moved across the country to an amazing city without knowing anyone, and i've met a lot of great people who i love like family.

-that i might be music coordinator for the co-op and im gonna do a really good job at it.

-that despite my procrastination, i'm going to sit down and get everything done that i need to get done. (and i have to know that about myself even if no one else really does know, it's easy to forget that i can do this and i will).

-that i can sing a high G, and i know where to draw it on a staff of music. (i can read music now!)

-i'm growing.



i don't want to be so self critical anymore. and i don't have to be.

whew. and ani sings on. and my song keeps getting written. and i'll get my work done once i relax and let myself focus. yesss

the end of the song

so i wrote that song spectacular.. and i cut the original one short. how it is now it ends with the phrase:

"If you ever wondered what it felt like to be a star
I meant to tell you with my kiss that you are spectacular"


but before that it was a bit longer... with another chorus that goes as follows-

"And you started to feel it
And you started to know
But it had to be too good
To ever. Be true

And I trace your steps with only words now: let you walk away.

I wanted to feel it, cause I’ve got to know, that it will be too good
And it will forever be true."




thus summing up my love life, or lack thereof. but things happen for a reason, or don't happen--for a reason. so i have the ability to befriend any male on the planet, but to take it a step further is foreign territory. its as if the idea never struck anyone that i'd want to be in a meaningful relationship. (this is a very self-centered view)

through all my religious struggles of what i believe or don't believe, it always came down to this idea that i believe in love... when i haven't the slightest idea what love really is.

danger zone

for how much relationship advice i give-- i do not have much experience to back it up. but it is a dangerous place to be when you start to like someone and they like you and for whatever reason- the relationship is not possible. be it 3,000 miles or personal reasons, it becomes quite the paradox. ideally when two people like eachother they are able to start a relationship where they can trust eachother and be committed in some way to one another. there are things that trigger knowing when a relationship makes sense-- caring about eachother, being physically attracted, having an emotional pull toward one another, making eachother laugh... that sort of thing. a type of relationship that challenges you to be a better person all the time, brings out the best in you.

so when you have all of the components, its nice to really take time to see if its right or not. some would naturally say its right! and others would be more reluctant, some would walk away completely and say "not now." the thing is.. neither person can control these conditions or these reactions. and the components aren't really going anywhere. and you can wish the other person would just give in and say yeah i want this... but they won't. so its complicated.

it's like getting what you want and not what you need. (coooldplay-fix you). no matter how much i want to sit here and say its not worth it to keep myself around when its clearly not going anywhere, i'm freakin this far away and it still feels like something so close to my heart. soo i was scared of being vulnerable, now i just don't know how to get out, or if i should, or whether the fact that i should or shouldn't is going to change anything! its tough and i dont really want to give it up.

so i could say i'm mixed up, but its more that i'm not mixed up with the way that i feel, and the way that i feel isn't working out too well for my situation, and nothing is forcing me to stop feeling this way. before it was so easy to just walk away from someone who doesn't want to commit, and thenn it starts to mean something and it gets sticky. soo i don't know whats next but it doesn't feel that safe, and i'm headed there anyway.

or i could really try to stop... and let myself get really hurt right now... and just forget about it. its just hard to get hurt when he still likes me. now i'm sure there are lots of situations like this in different ppls lives, i mean thats sort of like how affairs are (there's no affair happening here), and to that its like -- yo, you can't have it all, you have to choose. so if you can't have it all, should you try to have some of it? it's been worthwhile so far. but it sounds like such a bad idea. sounds like i need to get rejected for reall before i can move on. or just take it a day at a time. i draw no conclusion-- relationships or half-assed relationships are really ridiculously dangerous, you gotta give it a shot though sometimes, because thats what ppl do who believe in things working out.


feel free to offer up words of wisdom... if not on comments, surely through email -- settle4more@gmail.com

jo