Ani DiFranco is so freaking amaaaazing. Her concert moved me to tears, the song i dont know the title of, i think its "school night" or something was just such a beautifully written interpretation of unfortunate circumstances.

I feel like writing a poem... later i'll try to translate this feeling into paragraph form. but just to explain: before we went to see ani difranco, we went to the camden house and got a tour of a torn down city covered with drug deals and prostitutes and pollution and crime. but there are people there doing some incredible things with urban gardens and other various projects dedicated to bringing something positive to the city people hope to forget about. www.camdenhouse.org.


continue reading if you wish to interpret this stream of consciousness:


this is but one way to live
only yourself to give
to build ideals based on experience
i'd better adhere to the rules
or they'll kick me out of this place
so what happens when i unconsider the stakes
and do what it takes to listen to that voice i have
the one that doesn't let myself fade
the one that doesn't take the time to degrade just to feel powerful when i'm weak
we're like a team of chaos, constantly working together
so that someone is upset, and someone is higher
we'll keep it well-balanced with pain and disaster
and self-righteous happiness driving on past
this inner city tragedy wiping my window with a rag
next to girls on the corner waiting to be asked
in front of the house housing flesh that's been stabbed
and driving on past is middle upper class, locking their doors
getting out fast
forgetting what they saw, or shelving it behind their bills and work and money
and preoccupations that make them feel like they're going to die of too much to get done.
so they drive themselves, right out of touch with
themselves.
because they were the person left out on the street corner
asking to get in a car they knew would leave them with more
money but much less of themselves. raped of their freedom.
and the corner is the one outside of your job. until what you're doing doesn't fade.
and who you are isn't forced into jade. dead of personal empowering power
that comes out of security and exploring doubts purely and for me
well i just keep on listening and thinking
there are too many multiples to decide what's next
so what happens to happen becomes my at best.
but what happens when i really walk and protest and live as though i am truly blessed with each step?
she steps into the car. her heart beats like mine.


-jo

learning how to pray again

this post could potentially be a book... the sum of today is that incredible. i feel like i've kind of gotten in trouble for posting too openly at times, and well.. there's some things one shouldn't openly reveal about other people. to say the least, my mom's been having a hard time lately with the meds she's been on for her anxiety. she's been kind of down, and i don't mean in a way that needs more/new medication.. this down is perfectly healthy, and i love her for it.

today's been full of a lot of downs. mrs. freed died a year ago today. joey told me in second period and i sat there contemplating, staring, without many words, just personal silence in a clumsily loud room. he told me there was a candle lighting service outside in the front of the school today... the same place she collapsed a year ago before she was taken to the hospital, unconscious, dead. i had other plans tonight.. really important things like being inducted into spanish national honors society, a songwriters meeting, and some informal celebration of rachel's birthday which was also today (not a "down" of the day). yet those things immediately sank behind the occasion i felt most connected to... and that was this outdoor candle lighting.

i have to say today has been the most beautiful day i've seen in a long time. the sunset was no set back, and as jake pointed out, as it passed through the clouds it looked like a lighthouse... with a red base and streams of light jumping towards us like arms. sure it took some imagination to see all of this, but i didnt mind smiling through teary eyes at the thought of mrs. freed's beauty being laid upon us on the somber day for many. the thing about mrs. freed though, i can't stay sad about her for too long. i don't mean this in a horrible way, i really mean it because she was like the most positive person to be around! she was just such a positive influence in the short amount of time she occupied my life during 3rd period on A days. so when i think that she's died, it's almost okay because she actually DID something amazing with every day of her life, which is exactly what i want to do, and what she has instilled in so many people!

anyway.. this idea of prayer kept popping into my head today. my mom said her friend was praying for her and something very ironic came up... and then people spoke during the candle lighting thing about the faith they gained from mrs. freed and that same idea came to mind and i cried because these people needed her assurance, and she helped them so much. seeing teachers and my principal and mrs. freeds husband talk through tears about these beautiful experiences they had had in the past just really was beautiful.. as painful as it was, it was beautiful.

i haven't prayed in a realllly long time. i can't remember the last time i did, it's like i forgot how to do it and mean it... so if i dont mean it, i'm not gonna just do it. but i atleast believed in prayer tonight. i believed in it as a way for people to be consciously thinking about another person and connecting with them on different levels than is possible without "prayer". yes i say connecting with people, rather than god, because that's how it seems real to me now, like... a friend that prays for a friend and then they both realize something. it's just a way to hope, and then be thankful... which i do a lot. and i'm so thankful and hopeful all the time about so so many things.

i'm not completely doing this blog justice because i dont want to write a book in here... today was a day i just really connected and loved life.. i still dont know how to "pray" because so much of that concept has changed for me, and i can't force it. but i'm really seeing its beauty.

i'll look with fond memories on tonight... i'll just say... the hope rained down on me in the form of school sprinklers after long walks in the dark. and nothing can replace the fullness of today. amazing how you can feel so empty and full all at once. how so many "bad things" can be happening and the good is right there at the same time smiling through bleary eyes... someone can feel so lost and disconnected yet be pieced together by the consideration of thought from another. life is wonderful. mrs. freed's life was wonderful, therefore, i know my life is and can be wonderful. :)


and the journey goes on...

Jodi

ignoring that one "should be.."

what a weekend! i dont believe a person is meant to get on TWO seven hour flights in one weekend... just not the bestt idea. so i'm a mix of tired and emotional and happy and confused but sure at the same time. what i'm NOT is: in the mood to do english hw. it's an analysis of poetry, i should be fine, right? since i like poetry, i'd just do this assignment like it was fun, right? .... what i'm really trying to do is hang out with rach and kathleen cause i just GOT to, but they're in other states right now.

sorry for being so AMBIGUOUS~ Portland was the reason for the flights and the tiredness... i loooved the city, and lewis and clark college, so much that it made me realize that i'm actually leaving home in a few months. and the thought that happens after that is... why would i leave these beautiful amazing people i love? and i don't reaaally have an answer, rach kathleen mike judy, you tryin to hit up portland?

seriously though... this city was made for us weird hippies who love coffeehouses and music and culture and independent bookstores and open art galleries and beautiful trees/valleys/mountains and lots of rain that feeds luscious bright green grass that you could just sunbathe in for hours (or play mud football in when it rains)... i got a tour of the city from a wonderful young lady named Brittany and her friend Ashley, and they both made me feel right at home, we all bonded right away and enjoyed cups of coffee and talks about relationships and God and life, oh anddd had some really good crepes. i shoulda taken more pictures last night but i kinda didnt feel like it as half-lame as that sounds... i just didnt want to say HEY-FREEZE-PICTURE! i was just tryin to live, you know? anywayss... wow in all that writing i forgot about school tomorrow at 7:25 AM. maybe in like 20 years making kids wake up this early to sit in boring classes will be some sort of civil rights violation... lol yeah probably not, i DO believe in the education system... somewhere....in a very different/ideal setting.


um yess.. back to this lovely place... it doesnt even seem like its REAL, just because... it's so perfect. it would really challenge me as a musician to live there because everyone there is talented! which is great, i need to be pushed to achieve more. i mean.. the songwriting will always be a reflection of my super crazy thoughts, but i could always use some more practice on the guitar and with vocal stuff, just to improve and have more of a "reservoir" to draw from. oh reservoir high school, you've been great and all, but i am sooo ready to say PEACE OUT.

so i'm scared to actually go to portland because.... well not knowing people is rough, which hopefully will be cake (getting to know good ppl), i meann i did just meet a couple great ladies living in portland, and i'll branch out more because thats how it should go. dude... even my DAD is like... getting all emotional about me going to college already! and its not good cause so is rach and i don't want to be sad for these last months, i really want to live! --live as much as i can with the ppl i love that live here. and i want to be strengthened and encouraged to venture out and do what i'm so sure is the right thing for me to do-- go to Lewis and Clark! so if you got any helpful words then go ahead and leave them... or what would be more effective is some good experiences around here-- helloooo, we have B MORE and DC like RIGHT THERE waiting for us to dance in their clubs, sit under their magnolia trees, investigate their museums, lets be smart about this. remember my song? "move on without forgetting, live life without regretting" yeah man, i still mean that. And i believe you're with me there. hold me to that, if anything. this blog was fairly cathartic to write... phew, okay, attempt at english assignment- #1, ready... go-odbye!

wow

i'm in portland.. and i like it a lottt. it is sooo incredibly beautiful and its been raining all day, but everythings so green its like you dont even need the blue sky anymore. everyone at this school is so interesting and unique.. it's like they're all thrown together and i can't tell if everyone's nice or if ppl are sort of hostile, like thats the one thing i didn't really get a feel for (the actual students!). the programs look awesome, the classes seem really really interesting, the study abroad programs are everywhere and look so fascinating, english program seems nice, even the music program feels inviting and interesting.

inviting is a good word for the school. everything feels inviting except maybe the cost, which is still kind of high. oh, and the distance, because a 7 hour plane flight is quite real. and the 3 hour time difference.

well i havent really seen the city yet, right now i'm in the beautiful house of kelly and ken (i dont know they're last names but they are really cool friends of my mom), they designed and built this beautiful house. i can't even describe how beautiful it is and they even have this lake on their property. so tonight is when i venture into the city with a younger friend of kelly that goes to another college in portland. i think we're going to a huge independent bookstore (powell's) and to a coffeehouse/open mike night! perfect, right?

this city is really clean.. or the little bit of it that i've seen looks so clean. and like... the trees are taller than i thought was physically/structurally possible. apparently there's a huge mountain somewhere hidden by these clouds that isn't too far away (that means snowboarding!). outdoor life is for real here. man.. it's all like just how it said it would be, i'm not used to being this pleasantly surprised. the image they tried to portray wasn't just some hoax, it's all there and even better than i thought. looks like you ppl will have to visit me in portland next year-- i think this is my kinda place! I'll take more pics tonight


lata,

Jo

the worlds moving, where are you?

today in english class mrs. bennett expressed her concern that we have 5 weeks left to do a lot of work... but all i heard was FIVE WEEKS. usually i might be upset at the thought of 5 weeks left of this phase of highschool.. (hey maybe i'll post my speech that didnt make it, cause its not badd)... anyway: today, maybe because i was especially annoyed with the task of going to school and sitting there, and being told about the AP tests that are so important and all the things we have to fulfill... looking over rubrics and guidelines and notes, and practice tests-- those two words (FIVE WEEKS) were like candy to my ears.


well today my recording session got cancelled, so i can sit here and reflect on the fact that everyday i have soooo much crap planned/unplanned that is going to happen or not happen depending on ME. it's kind of scary in way, cause i don't want to mess up. I'd like to be on top of everythingg. scholarship applications, AP tests, good times, work, running, late night conversations, solo RHS prom, AHS prom, RECORDING, CD design, performing, deciding on a college... it's all quite exciting from afar, but when you're right in it its kinda easy to get real overwhelmed... which i'm avidly trying to avoid!

i guess i was thinking about it... and how i really would like to enjoy these days, and to be extremely productive (partly because i have to be and also cause being productive is good). so i'm trying to like-- take care of things dead on, like making phone calls, writing emails, and other little lingering things that are involved with organizing shows and such. procrastination is my biggest foe/friend.. i can get a whoole lot done at the last minute, but i sometimes drive my self crazy until then.


it's just been a cool realization, that i dont HAVE TO do anything, and all of what i am doing is my choice. so what will i do with these choices? i won't just "deal with" them, i'll try to make the most of them, try to be a part of them, since it is ME who is in charge here, of this craziness called my life. hop on board the 5 weeks of wonder, the worlds moving, and so am i, maybe not in perfect accordance, but i'm sure not getting left in the dust. time to work hard, enjoy, cry, laugh, rock out, aka LIVE... and love it all the same.


happy beautiful day,
Jodi

"and i need a jump staaart"

i've had the song "jump start" by kate morrissey stuck in my head all afternoon. I was literally humming and singing it out loud when i drove the mazda over to the car shop today... and while my mom took me back home in the kia. So my mom dropped me off at home, and went out to get groceries, but needed gas.. so went there first.


i get a phone call, and it turns out, the Kia wouldn't start- it broke down. So i drove over there to get my mom and try to push the kia with my own man-power... then some mexican guys helped there... but we didnt have any jumper cables. so i do what i always do when my car breaks down... call mike! and mike graciously dropped his house-cleaning or tv-watching to save my mom and i. even more luckily, these guys that work as car repair ppl who are in highschool just happened to be at highs. they hooked up two sets of jumper cables to finally JUMP START the kia.

to finish off the eventful evening, mike and i went to get rita's, my mom even gave me money cause she felt bad that mike drove out. and i got to sit in mike's car and catch up on his life and talk about things i didnt know i needed to talk about. and i was totally reminded of why mike and i will forever be friends.

it's the same thing with rach and kathleen... just irreplacable friendships i don't see ever fading. today i was supposed to start working on my display board for mentor.. but i ended up making this slideshow type of a thing in powerpoint... just about having awesome friends. i guess thats a little strange or cheesy, maybe both, but uhh, i think it kicks ass! if i figure out how to put it in imovie with some music, that'll be cool, other ppl can enjoy it. see i like having this mac cause i can express myself in new ways.. the powerpoint thing is basically pictures with text, all pictures i took, and obviously text i thought to write. thats sweet to be able to do.


well i should sleep now, but... i'm glad my moms car broke down, cause i felt like a fortune teller for singing that song all day, andd i got to hang out with mike and eat rita's. and tomorrow my recording session got cancelled at the studio- but i think thats a sign that i should try to do this display board tomorrow and get it turned in on time! pretty crazy how things happen. school is rough to try to keep up with, but i'm trying at least.


peace out homies

discovered an old poem... and it fits.

"flowers and sunshine"

like a fragile flower in a curious sun
that can either pull its delicate pedals further apart
allowing the whole world to peer in
or
be scared back into a protective place
where the pedals shield beauty from the outside

i'm at that brink
all i want pouring in like sunshine
and all the crap in the way scaring me out of it
but it all looks the same
like it's all just as warm, just as assuring
to ball up in a shell
to break free and excel

whatever i do, i don't want to do it just so they can look at me and smile
as i become what every talented young person can become
so people can write crappy news articles about my life to try to get their article together for their job so they can have enough money to sleep at night
hell, i'm doing it so i can sleep at night.

guess we're in for this one together.
(is this why ppl sleep together?)
we're in this crazy big mess
and scanning this sunshine, well its all some big test, you don't realize you're taking
and each moment in life, you don't realize you're making

so the sun can pour in the slivers of space between the blinds on my window
and gently touch our faces soft and innocent, we don't know where to go
and it really can't be that wrong. if we weren't so quick to judge, we wouldn't be so uptight about perfection.
so you want to make the fudge, someone else laces it with mud, and we of course put the crime on the news, who knew? another criminal on our streets
another imperfect soul
if only we'd all pretend to be perfect, pretend to be whole, even He wept.


but we're all just trying to sleep at night, right?
i have the right, to be satisfied with my life. we each have that right.
ever wonder what happened to that part of the society you wish would change
that thing about living you put up with day after day
within the whole there are parts, maybe small
this life is your thoughts, actions, reactions, the sum of it all.


so you may feel powerless, maybe taken over
maybe half-way open and afraid to move your arms over to let a little more sun in
a little less shadow
what don't we know?
a little less shadow could mean no protection at all.
defense wins the game, unless you're not playing to win, unless you've got something bigger, some push from within.

and with this realization you can change your life in 10 easy steps
the quick way to learn, the fast way to lose 10 pounds, in 10 minutes, you want to take life by the quick easy steps?
here, end it fast, don't wait for the slow hours to pass.
i'm going to sleep soon, we're approaching the opposite of the afternoon.
a life lived in a few minutes spent
recalling the flower, recalling the sun
and how our thoughts and surroundings blend and are truly one.

drums anyone?

listening to jack johnson's new CD- inbetween dreams.. and part of what i love about mr. johnson is the rhythm of his music. so i'm thinking... i'd love a drummer. open invite.


that's all,

Jodi

re-adjusting... dream-lag?

italy was a straight up dream man... no ties, no worries, no deadlines, no starbucks, no homework assignments. so much freedom, exploration, inspiration, first impressions, sincerity...

basically i got back and went to school on monday and tuesday and just felt satisfied in my italy-experience and limited in the confines of the classroom. its so much better to learn things when you're amidst them, when you've walked atleast 4 miles and finally come to a monumental artifact with so many stories layered into the textured structure. this is why taking the day off on wednesday was perfect.

I caught up on mentor crap (powerpoint presentation which ended up rocking today for mr. obryan's class), but more importantly, i went to DC with rach and danielle to see the cherry blossoms. it was really great to go to DC, and realize that we know nothing about our own magnificent city just 30 minutes away. it was great for lots of reasons... one was just walking around, because we walked soo much in italy and it was really satisfying-- you know, that pain in the arc of your foot is like the trophy of a day spent well and lived raw without need of gas-guzzling vehicles.

it was great because i love rachael and danielle (and i have no clue how i'm gonna go away to college without the loves of my life!... but i just try not to think about it). it was great because i totally connect with nature, or as rach put it "you're at peace with nature" or some sort of similar deep and meaningful phrase that rach so often blurts out in her extroverted stream of conscious... which i love. we saw magnolia trees while looking for the cherry blossoms that havent really blossomed all the way yet. (some have.. not many). that break got me back in the mindset i needed to be in... loving the weather, the walking, the friendship, the asking ppl on the street how to get places, soaking in so many things at once, its just perfect.

today was sort of a blur.. i'm about to fall asleep and its 9pm, but basically i fell asleep in english and then on the way to the ho-co tv studio today to record some, i pack up my car to find that i have everything... except the keys to my car, which happened to be locked in my house. i even had this laptop with internet connection, but no way of driving to the TV studio or getting into my house. everything worked out, nuc drove me over, we made the best recording of "without knowing" i've ever heard, then my dad and i ate at a cuban restaurant and talked about sudan and ideas about saving the world... well not really the world, but yeah, okay i'm going to go to sleeep. night kids,


Jodi

ps- i wanted to write this post about something else; the thing i wrote on my bathroom wall: "hope is a fire, asking to be caught... so i catch on. " ..eyes wont stay open cause i'm typing in bed, more on that one lata.

ciao bella, italy is the best thing thats happened to me.

it's tough to recap or even name a "favorite site" or "favorite activity" the whole italy experience was one i would never trade back for the 2,500 bucks it costed... I filled a whole sketchbook up with writing/drawings/ticket stubs/napkins/anything you can imagine. The most fair thing would be to post pictures from some highlights if i can force myself to identify them as better than the other things we did. so... i'll figure out how to put them up for you guys!


First we went to rome. we arrived on saturday night after an all night flight to heathrow/england followed by a quick 2 hour flight into roma. Rome is sooo beautiful! and every corner you turn theres another piece of history standing there. even the streets run through the ancient walls that were around 1500 years ago! history is just alive all over the place! my favorite monument there was the Trevi Fountain. Aside from the hundreds of ppl crowded there at any hour of the day, it is magnificent. Rumor has it, if you throw a coin in the water with your right hand over your left shoulder, you will return to rome some day. Here goes nothin!





Rome also included trips to: The Vatican, colleseum, ancient ruins (forum), piazza navona (artsy town square with great chocolate desserts called tartufas and cute men playing guitars), the spanish steps, pantheon... lots of good food places.


Next was Florence, which unfortunately we only spent one full day in, but the day was FULL. we woke up, went to see the David (you guys... the david is incredible! biggest most attractive naked statue in the world I'd say, haha), went to the duomo (pictured inside below), went to the top of the bell tower with janelle, shopped for lots of hours spending lots of euro, ate in piazza del signornio, got COOKING LESSONS mmmm, and finished the night off with a trip to the space electronic discoteque-- whew! lots of attractive ppl from all over the world in that club and i have a new appreciation for techno music.




Then came Venezia.... AHHH I LOVE VENICE! We did all there was left to do in venice. Rode gondolas, fed pigeons, went inside the doges palace, ate the best pizza, made masks, took the water taxi, and finished our last night drinking capaccinos in San Marco square under starlight with front seats to the most magnificent five-piece band of a bass, claranet, violin, accordian, and piano... amanda ghessie treated us to 5 cups of cappaccino for $83 dollars.. still the word "priceless" doesn't seem to capture the beauty of the music that brought tears to our eyes our last night in Venice in Piazza del San Marco:




Just for kicks heres a few more pics:



deli from like 7 AD in Pompei



feeding pigeons


gondola lovin




Anyone who now wants to backpack through europe with me... lets DO IT! Italy was amazing. I'm super lucky. Theres so much more to tell... i'm up for coffee whenever! (though it won't beat the caffe in italy!)



Jodi