appropriately titled poetry for the moment: packing bags

"packing bags" - written March 2, 2005... unedited.


don't be bitter
while you're here
stay inspired
i'll keep your words in my ear

been thinkin about traveling
seeing who lies down the road
who's locked eyes will watch
as i solemnly unload a little

tonight i felt like i needed
to have a tear leaving my eye
it just seemed appropriate
after finding that its hard to ask why

i'm not uncomfortable
to say your name
to acknowledge your addiction
can we walk without shame?

i've been trying
clumsily, i stand up straight
but if i waver
you might still savor a thought of me and think i'm great

oh, sweet honesty
where'd you go from me?
we're on the same side honey
just feel left behind

and... i hope you stay inspired
i can't sing just for your ears
but will your eyes stay focused, will you find me here?
as my novel writes itself quiet and clear

i'll unload a little here, never did like packing my bags

never did like to check under the bed
and when one shoe was missing
i'd swear i'd lost my head
only lost some money, only lost some pages i wrote down
only lost a sweatshirt, only traded days for age
is it okay, is it okay, is it okay? it never feels okay. atleast i'm honest.


but while i'm still honest
it's not easy
to keep confidence
while somedays i feel spotless
i know there are stains
and i think i need to cry tonight, so give me a reason to unpack my bags
or did the carry-on i've carried temporarily, belong to you?
it'd be nice and easy to blame it all on you. guess thats what people do when they leave.
it blends, our clothes worn heavy our skin covers and keeps in breath
listened to a guy named seth play bass guitar tonight
and he sung his heart out, and he made faces, he wasn't so attractive
by what looks can see, but he spoke out
wasn't afraid to say I and ME. and well, i could see right through him
but i didn't mind what i happened to find in the transparency of his transferring mind... i'm not blind

liked what honesty i found tonight
confidence isnt easy in the sight of magnificence and freely lived dreams.
not so easy tonight.

think i'll just keep on writing til i feel alright, alright

so i talk to no one sometimes
i sit in my car and cuss, saying what the FUCK
whether i'm filled with joy and utter disbelief
or late to the hundredth place that day

other times i sit there and i scream
or i just dream
and sing the first words that come streaming out

so now i feel as though i'm hanging by the threads of support people are dangling
happily
listen to me


think i need to start listening to myself to sort this mess out
sort this out
what happened to the age of adulthood, i should really
learn


i know that i dont know, just watch me as i go, as i go. and i will. go.

to the root

I am the luckiest person in the world-- tomorrow I'm going to ITALY... my home I've yet to experience :) and really, i'm so happy. Its strange because the past day or couple of days i've been very out of it, like i hear whats going on around me but my head is totally in italy and inside the journal i'm bringing along and plan to pack with art/sketches/poetry that will create something to make my heart stir when i read it in years to come. i'm just so ALIVE, even if i didnt sleep at all last night (due to a late night viewing of I Heart Huckabees-- thanks to Judy cause she bought it for me for my bday and i love it and i love her!) and i'm super tired, but my mind is still alive. even if i can't make small talk or seem to be able to spit out the names of the colleges i've made it into without it feeling like quite an obligation (don't get me wrong, i'm thankful, but it does get repetative). basically i have no idea how others have seen me in the past couple days cause i go from extreme excitement to extreme- get me out of here! mode and my facial expressions don't hide much.

i feel like there are a lot of not so good things surrounding me that i've yet to define.. that sounds strange but i really feel it, some kind of angst, maybe in my house? and maybe its just me... regardless its the sort of feeling that if it could live and be a person would be like a person you see and recognize in the same clothing store and stagnantly try to avoid coming into contact with (without making it obvious that you're avoiding it). maybe the person/feeling is the church and i'm shyly holding up a tie rack to escape the downcast looks. for example, its holy thursday (i think) and there is a stations of the cross thing going on at my church tonight. my mind and body are completely nottt in the state to walk the stations of the cross, because i've almost decided to make this a foreign thing to me, so that maybe when i come back to it later, if i come back to it later, it can be something new and meaningful. if i went tonight, it would be for show-- it would be because other ppl expect me to be there. then you say well what about god? shouldnt you go because of easter/ because of jesus? I don't know. call me selfish, but i'll just call it my need for sincerity, i'm not really feeling like going... and i want to believe thats okay. and that god freakin understands. is that too much to ask?

now for my naive little guilty conscious to pack my bags. i'm listening to the format and really enjoying it a lot. remniscent of dashboard without the raw/bitterness... totally chilled out and mellow. thats where i'm at on my italy-eve, awaiting pure joy, because really... i love the country so much, and to have my 5 senses experience this to compliment my emotional attachment to the country, i can't even imagine. lol i could take a sex metaphor or something for that (sex is something held in high regard but for me atleast i havent yet experienced the physicality of it). to my last day of italian-travel-virginity! cheers.



Jo

good news/bad news/what in the world is next?

ITALY is in 3 days and I am SO excited, almost nothing has been able to shake my happiness for finally being able to go to the country of my dreams, Italy! nothing until today... when I followed up with teachers I'd spoken to about performing my graduation song, "don't forget me" (listen at www.jodimclaren.com), and they basically said there's not time for me to play it at graduation. that it would be a waste of time to try to approach the ppl reviewing speeches, and that the performance time is reserved for band/choir people. I'd still love to play it at class night, or wherever i can cause the song does mean a lot to me, and i'd think to my fellow classmates as well--totally let me know what you think about the song (you don't have to say you like it either, its still the kind of song i can make changes to).

that news basically had tears brimming that i managed to freeze with a straight/expressionless face as i walked out of mrs. bennett's room and she willfully encouraged "bring the song into class tomorrow, we'll listen to it!" I just wanted to escape to my own world where i didn't have to worry about making this connection with ppl who simply don't have the time. (mrs. bennett isn't the one that doesn't have the time--she totally took the CD home and listened to it and made suggestions on one of the lyrics, very nice of her to take the time to do that). I don't know though, maybe with enough student support we could work something out. After all it's 5 minutes of graduation time. I'll atleast ask dr. kauffman, and you know... if it's something that really isn't going to work, class night would be a really cool place to do it, and by then i'd have a decent recording of it too (I get to record in mid-april!)


among all of this.. i got home from school to my mom looking like a kid that just ate the cookiedough from the fridge ready to confess--- "what you dont have your cell phone with you? you had mail... and i kind of opened it.... from lewis and clark." just by her FACE i knew i got in, and i was kind of mad that i didnt get to experience opening the package, but there it was with the seal broken and the words "congratulations" written followed by a certificate- dean's scholarship, $8,000 a year. this has been my deamed "first choice", but when it comes down to actuallly deciding, i dont know howw i'm going to do it! there's still money issues. and for those of you who don't know, lewis and clark college is in Portland, Oregon! A visit will help... that is in mid-april as well.

i just don't feel very STABLE right now, i dont know how else to say it, but things could go in so many different directions. but let me just SAY i am soooo sooo thankful for this trip to italy. i plan to enjoy myself at all costs. no delayed flight could ruin my time there, its like the country i've dreamed about man! 3 days, three days i totally can handle until the flight leaves and takes me to dreamland. email me your address: settle4more@gmail.com, i'll try to send postcards!

college decisions are being post-poned til when i return. but lewis and clark is quite possibly the most awesome looking school ever... could be just the place for me, they even require international studies which means this traveling to europe thing will be sure to continue, and i'm so about that. denison is sweet too, really loved their english classes, i sat in on one class where they talked about lewis and clark (the people) and the idea that traveling can be a selfish thing to do. so many mixed signals, or are they all just signs pointing northwest? big things await me man...




Jodi

tired eyes keep open

so i have not slept much recently... at all, but i feel the need to be awake a lot! maybe tonight it was the coffee... but every other night for the past i can't even recall how many weeks, i have just been AWAKE a lot. and its kind of good, to be accomplishing a lot in a day. it feels good to be productive in cool ways. i'll recap: thursday- This Day and Age at the barn, friday- my birthday/coffeehouse, saturday- the vault in b-more, kathleens, sunday- church/writing grad speech, monday- songwriters group, tuesday- baking extravaganza/late night conversations, wednesday- andrew norsworthy concert, thursday- recorded "don't forget me" (www.jodimclaren.com--listen!), and tonight: Baltimore with Rach and Judy, best italian dish i've had in a verrry long time....


speaking of ITALY..... SIX DAYS and i'll BE THERE! or basically FIVE since its technically saturday!!! i can't imagine eating like i did tonight in little italy, every day, with even BETTER food in ITALY... i love food! Baltimore was great tonight, i kicked butt at parallel parking on the street after getting lost and driving in circles for forever, all the while having deep conversation, many involving 16 different LETTERS (myers-briggs? no way!). i get to see andrew norsworthy play again tomorrow at college perk. (www.andrewnorsworthy.com) (i really need to learn how to do those hot links... theres no BUTTON with a mac to set it up for me... if anyone knows about that, please leave a message.)

i'm really thankful... in my sleep-drunkenness, or should it be called sleep sober? since i haven't indulged in sleep.... hmmm. well anyway, i'm thankful, because there are a few ppl that keep up with me, and i keep up with them, and theres a LOT to keep up with, and at the same time, not much really is happening on the surface. and i love being able to live on the next level of life, where the intangibles are all that matters. life's so much freer that way. (free-er...)

i like this thing rach wrote: tonight i'll open my window and invite the air to grace my face..."hello love," she'll whisper, "you've never felt me before, and soon i shall pass you by, but not without a sigh, a goodbye, and the warmth of my love on your lips"


totally sums up our having to ask random strangers on the road how to get to 95 and getting ambiguous answers from taxi drivers like "oh, its THATTA WAY!" (pointing in opposite direction that we were driving), to attractive man giving JUST the right directions. i love driving with the window down! and inviting those kinds of things to happen (even if we didd happen to be lost and in need, that wasn't the important part, the connections are the important part!)

still thinking of a CD title... one idea was "ideally real" or.... "even darkness deserves light".... not quite sure! Daniel Anderson is helping me design a CD, I'll be recording in mid-april, and thenn who knows how long it'll take, but i want to mass-produce a CD, i may be asking for some donations to help do that $1,200 project. any input/ideas/ppl you know who design websites/CD covers... ppl who would be interested in helping produce my CD in this studio i'll be occupying, talk to me if you are/know people who are skilled in these areas! leave a comment! write an email! (settle4more@gmail.com)... IM me: italianchic311



okay.. i really should sleep, think i'll read til i realize how tired i am. my guess is that i'll get through about.. 2 pages maybe 5. hmm i wonder what i should read in italy, any ideas? right now i'm reading "the man who saw the face of god" and it is incredible!! such an amazing story, i love it. this guy completely explains his life decisions in a shameless/poetic/beautiful way that relates to religion, nonviolence, and politcs... so i'm off to read more-- goodnight! (i apologize for boring some of you that read all of this! i'm just awake somehow and freely typing thoughts, its that kind of night)

clash. crash. stop. go.

been writing this poem in my head for days while driving... this is my first try at writing it down. the basic idea is that some personalities clash, sometimes ppl come into contact and theres really no avoiding it, and the only choice that matters is the one after you're caught in a situation... yes and that same thing relates to four way stops and running into ppl in hallways... read:

"four-way stop"


time traveling at the rate of time
as we know it
wheels spin and slow down

and your traveling across how ever many miles
passing by more cars than you'd have limbs to count on
but you can always count on a red light to stop the motion and give your sight a look around


so we entered the battle-field
four cars slowing slowly stopped on the dime
at the same exact time
who will be the one to wait, the one to go?


down this hallway passing hundreds of faces by
and we were both walking but somehow
i got in the way
and right, left, right, left, you're mirroring each step
in the way, in the way, am i


so we entered the battle-field
we're all stopped at the same time
and mirroriing eachother
someone takes the gas, and pedals crash
feet smash their steps, and the right turn and the left
left eachother wrecked

read my mind, only backwards and flipped
so when i move my right hand, you move your left
we will collide in eachother's minds, i hold you high
i'll hold you, and the only thing that sticks is the crash
when we both decide to take the gas.

couldnt be better

People.... Andrew Norsworthy has got it goin on. Let me just say he played at the barn tonight, and I opened for him, and Forget Reason closed, and it was such a great time. i'm so high on this night that i've gotten barely any sleep this week and yet it seems like it'd be a crime to go to sleep right now. i could've just lived in that concert forever. so i guess i'll be going to College Perk this saturday after work to see him play again, mann and i thought the CD was good, but hearing that live was soo incredible. go show this man some love: www.andrewnorsworthy.com


life's so fulllll. i wrote a poem, don't go overanalyzing this one:

where do you go when you're filled up
filled up to the brim
filled up with beauty
filled up with him

your words catch me closer to the reality
that's hidden inside me
driving and smiling while the tones are dialing
around in my ears
terms of endearment, dear, its dreary and i'm full of hope

catch me pockets empty
he finds me
everytime the song sounds and the fingers dial
driving and smiling
we don't speak on telephones
your skipping to my soul
and i'm full





what a wonderful reality you find yourself in some days. i totally want to go on tour this summer. all it will take is the DRIVE (wow.. i'm cheesy). hey, i'm recording in mid-april, and i will do my best to get a CD out before we graduate (i mean with a design and everything). i've been giving out lots of CDs that i recorded on my own, the idea is that you listen and spread the word/music, and thenn when i actually do go through with the CD idea, you think... i wouldnt mind paying $10 for this, or something, and we all survive. so my eyes keep blinking for long periods of time... i think its time i give in and lay in the comfort of my bed with the comfort of this great night with such great music and great people.



and everyday i get a little more
a little more broken, doubtful, and free
to be hopefully, positive, learning to be.

a difference, a smile

I'm so happy to announce that because of the help of Jen Lemen (www.jenlemen.com), my dad's prereleased copy of the book: The Last Word And the Word After That, has sold on ebay for $280... and every bit of it is going toward helping with the food shortage in Burundi! Thank God for Jen Lemen! woman does everything imaginable... and it really goes to prove that when you care and you spread the word some kind of difference can happen! It was kind of scary having that burden that I didn't know where to go with... wanting to help and feeling powerless or overwhelmed at the real problems in the world. I really had the feeling that if i didn't do anything I'd not be able to live with myself. sounds a little drastic, but i guess i can be thankful for the heart in me that perhaps allows me to see into the pain of people because that's what drove me to want to write blogs about it and inform people, and send my own money on over, and ask Jen to help. And where has that gone?

Well i havent posted about this yet, but my dad was supposed to speak at some baptist convention... and i guess they got freaked out by his theology, and uninvited him. But, since they did so on short notice, they decided to pay him anyway. Well this all happened at the time I found out about the problems in Burundi, and my Dad was right there with me in Burundi, so he was happy to send that check from the baptists striaght to the African Liason group for $2,500! Thats like 250 families for a month, thats amazing!

And I'd like to thank anyone else who's read about the situation in Burundi and talked about it with someone, or maybe donated money. Its just incredible how much a lot of us DONT KNOW whats happening in Sudan and Burundi, they're saying Sudan is getting to be a genocide like Rwanda.. except between different races, the sudanese are fighting/killing the arabs. A friend of mine Yohans (www.vendrix.com), wrote about such problems and has decided to write letters to congress people to try to convince them to take action in Sudan. An article was written about Rwanda and how if 100 people in every state wrote letters about how necessary it was that we took action, it could've made a difference. Start reading articles, there's so much our news just doesn't cover. Anyway, it's good to see people showing concern for other areas of the world and doing something about it. I think i'll email claude and ask how the donations have been going. it's so great to be able to make a difference in a small country like Burundi with a little creativity and writing.



visit: http://www.africanliaison.org/

i have great friends

man... rach and kathleen are amazing. and so are art club people (esp janelle, christy, estar/ppl involved in making a delicious cake), and everyone who came to the coffee hizouse. i was talking to kathleen about how cool art is. like... how you can do anything in the name of ART and people are just like, okay cool. or else they think its ridiculous, but either way its ART. and art... is life, testing new concepts, creating, destroying, performing... whatever it is.

have to admit though, i didnt expect my birthday to be as cool as it was. just cause i usually get yelled at at the coffee house or have the most stressful time ever... but this year, thanks to having much less people (who woulda thought after all that upsetness that i'd be saying, its GOOD not as many ppl bought tickets). sure it woulda been great to have lots of people excited to come and listen to music and look at art and hang out... but really, the people who were there were each there because they wanted to be, and many of them added to the night. esp. some young ladies by the names kathleen and rachael. no i didnt PLAN for the whole happy birthday singing and all of that, but it really did make for a great birthday. all the singing and help and positive attitudes throughout the night reinforced the fact that there are some really great people around that support cool things like art and coffeehouses and music. thats important to me. so my birthday comes to a close, a surprisingly more than satisfying night. and i welcome the future days of 18, i've been thoroughly happy birthday'd out!


what a wonderful birthday. thanks again people. theres so much loove around, and i really loved playing tonight. (yeah i always like playing, but... with you guys gathered around its just so much sweeter). i'll be working on that graduation song some more too, so wish me luck, cause i'd be honored to perform it on our big day.



its crazy that people who have already given me so much end up pouring on more than i could've ever thought to expect! sheesh, you ppl amaze me. thanks one more time, for tonight.


Jodi

for the record

people in art club really pulled through today and cheered me up, we're all workin together. mr. yanuzzi is quite possibly the coolest teacher in our school... when asked "how late are you staying today?" he says "as late as you guys need me to... i'm here to help out!" and that was perfect.


and i'm ready to have a wonderful time in my brightly spraypainted coffee house t-shirt on my birthday this friday.


Jodi

the story in short, my bridge to Burundi

Who’s to say what is the valid cause for inspiration, for compassion, for wanting to help people, friends, in Burundi, Africa. After seeing Hotel Rwanda, I sobbed for humanity, the story of genocide was delicately displayed, and the history of the decisions of the US to not take action resonated in my heart as the credits rolled. How did this happen without people in the US knowing or acting to do anything? Was it even on the news at the time? Did we really understand how serious it was, or did it take a death count of near one million to stop and realize the horror of the situation. I went to Burundi this past summer with my dad for about 8 days. I know the names and faces of the people like Justine from Rwanda, Caleb from Uganda, Augustin from Burundi, and various other Burundian people. I shook their hands, I ate food prepared by them, I learned to speak and sing few words in their languages. I continue to exchange emails, informing them about American culture and becoming aware about elections, and projects in the making to help street children.

When I heard of the food shortage, and that people in villages starving, there in the country where the usually luscious green fields are irrigated to feed the impoverished population now stood brown and dry, I knew I could do something to help. People in Burundi aren’t all over the news, the death tolls haven’t reached 1 million, not many people even have heard of the country, Burundi. We’re disconnected from this other world for much of our lives. But I feel that my trip has served as a connector, a bridge that can take the facts and the news articles and see through to the actual need, the tragedy we don’t have to “oh well”, a few family’s we can share dinner with by donating money. There are not many organizations that will go to help Burundi, organizations like UNICEF are very focused on rebuilding areas affected by the tsunami. This is why the African Liason Group, led by Claude Nikondeha, the Burundian man who showed me around Africa, who now lives in the US, is the perfect conduit for your donations. Below are pictures from my trip, spent with wonderful kind citizens of Burundi.









To donate go here: http://www.africanliaison.org/index.htm




peace and love,

Jodi