shakey legs, teary eyes, smiles, and surprises

so much meaning and memories crammed into one day. Now a days with me performing, I'm a lot more comfortable... like at class night, I was rockin havin a good time despite a slight cold that won't go away! So today I processed into the auditorium and walked ahead to the side of the stage, waiting to perform my graduation song: "don't forget me" for my graduating class, the juniors, and lots of important parents and random dignitaries... well the songs meaning amplified when i started playing... i just looked out at all the beautiful caps and gowns and the amazing individuals hidden under those robes with hopes, frustrations, bitterness, appreciation... personalities all very different, but gathered as one supportive group of people. in the begining of my performance i kept trying to focus on the song but so many thoughts were just rushing through my brain and my knees were quivering a little bit. "how did i get here? is this happening right now? am i really done with highschool? whats next? look at this.... i worked so hard to get here... i cant believe it"

i studdered a little bit on the chorus and gathered myself for the second verse on... i've done lots of informal shows. even talent shows i feel like are pretty informal, but this was created to mean something. and SURPRISE! it meant a whoole lot. i belted out the last high notes to the best of my ability and closed my eyes and opened them again hearing the thump of chair backs underneath the applause. everyone of my 2005 graduates stood before me, my eyes watered up and i just stood there smiling, humbled, thankful, proud.


i loved seeing joey get the teresa freed scholarship award; he's the perfect recipient. mrs. freed was like his mom, and i love joey, and that was a touching thing to see... mr. freed standing there giving a monetary gift and bag as if he was handing over his wife's personality and vigor to joey, keeping it alive.

near the very end of the assembly i received the outstanding senior award. i can't even remember all the incredible things they said about me, i heard the words "whether its a song or a..." and then i started thinking.. no this can't be me.. and then "coffee house, africa, italy" and people started turning around to look at my face, which had a smile on it that was mixed with a face made before crying (pictured below, maybe). the award meant a lot to me, it wasn't just a recognition for getting good grades... it was like, a personal recognition of all those little things i managed to put into reservoir while i was there. ("was"..weird)






after the assembly i went to talk to mrs. miers-bond and she had tears in her eyes! she had written that speech for my award (it was SUCH a beautiful speech).

The thing i realized about thank you's... is they mean so much when both people have gained something. "thank you" can be a sucky thing to hear from someone that doesn't give back. the feeling i was getting from so many teachers is that the "thank you" was mutual, that they knew who i was, and they had gained something from having me around in little ways. mrs. brothman, for example, who isn't even my teacher, but has always been super nice and supportive through any of my endeavors, let me know that i inspire her.

i heard so many great things today i just didn't know how to respond. altogether, i'm really glad for my experience at reservoir. it took being upset part of my sophomore year to decide to make the most of everything i could and start living it up. now there's no stopping the positivity. i wish i could've given allison mcdonald an award for who she is! man.. that girl does it all, works all the time to help out her family and is suchh a nice person with such an awesome personality! haha i told her this stuff randomly in the hall yesterday and she said "my drunk friends don't even say things that nice to me!"


it's summer time! schooley mill picnic was very relaxing on my love blanket/love bag (sleeping bag), playing guitar, eating chocolate icecream bars and burgers, watching a great kickball game... then taking the best nap of my life when i got back home to my couch. i believe i'll remember this day for the rest of my life.

oh what a night

i'm not gonna write too much about last night... but it was very remniscent of summer, dancing in kathleens backyard, staring at stars, sitting around a fire, singing my songs freely with rach right there hitting harmonies and the chords just flowing. I felt last nights bon-fire performance was really awesome, if not for the ppl listening, just for myself! man.. i was just going and going and hitting every note and feeling really introspective and into the music and just THERE in that night.


so this morning i caught the last few minutes of church. it is so awesome and amazing how life just does things that hit me in new ways. that was a broad statement. so i walked into youth group late... without shoes on! happy and tired smelling like a campfire.. and everyones gathered around in the semi circle, and the conversation had already been established, and on a dry erase board was "standing up to: " then there was a list with things like... smoking weed, cursing, sex.. i forget there were like 10 things listed that ppl in the group must have brain stormed earlier, like things they had "stood up to" in the past. and the conversation was about what it's like to have to stand up for something you believe in, when it's not the most popular thing to do... and how its important to love people for making their decisions and mann it was like completely reflective of my life this past week; having different standards for myself than my friends, and then figuring out how we both can live our own ways, yet being sure to like... maintain some sort of judgement without being judgemental.

there was some bible story too with peter and..john i think, and peter healed somebody on the street and someone arrested him for it and were like "we'll kill you if you talk" and he spoke up anyway because he believed in whatever was happening, just saying he had to do what he had to do and that jesus is the cornerstone of everything (sorry this isn't the real verse..) . whatever he had said was super controversial at the time, and his actions ended up getting him killed, and he acted the way he did knowing that he'd get killed for it. when i read that i just thought... okay so if this is christainity, it's pretty freaking radical and fearless! this isn't just standing around praying and keeping safe, this is dangerous! he's not in his sunday's best, he's getting thrown into a jail cell and crucified upside down!

i've had to reconsider a whole lot of crap just like... what's right or whats wrong... or even if i know what's wrong, when the "wrong" stuff happens... what to do next, how to handle it, whether to let it continue. i mean the major thing is.. how to handle it? cause it's all in the past now, and there's good in the "wrong"... but anyway, through all of this i feel like i'm learning what it takes to truly love people. and so i can handle whatever struggles and tears come with all the wrongs involved in the decisions of me and ppl i love. and i can't expect perfection now (or maybe ever), as much as i'm all about "settling for more", there is a certain strength that is gained when you CAN'T have more, when you're not wanting to settle, but it just so happens that you take an unexpected direction.


so i woke up this morning and this song by andrew norsworthy was like IN MY HEAD. I haven't even listened to it in a while. but it's SUCH a good song.

"once i followed your words like powerlines
energy with infinite will chasing it i climbed
high over peaks down creases of green
the treetops could not touch you there
only me

now i just call and let it ring

i took a turn and felt wrong
left my studies on the table
joined a celebration raising
in the black belly of babylon
darkness into dawn
and all my work at restoration
overturned, undermined, wonder why i never learn

until i'm on the other side.

if a color disappears and goes to gray
and stays that way for years
and then one day and then one day shows up to shine
and paints a line between the laughter and the damage
a little test of trust could earn the understanding
and burn back to dust any evil we were planning
a little test of trust....

i just call and let it ring...




yeah, its really a beautiful song. i was listening to it in my car after coffee with daniel anderson who is going to be my web designer! anyway so i was in my car after i dropped off daniel, and i turned on my boombox and put it in my lap so that it wouldn't skip and i was just so HAPPY. i was just getting so excited to listen to this music and drive with my windows down and i couldn't take the smile off my face.

i don't really fully understand everything that's happening in my life right now, but i'm glad something is happening, and at the core is just a whole bunch of LOVE. i guess i like this andrew norsworthy stuff because it speaks to the rough stuff that happens and doesnt just paint over the bad with up-beatness.. it "paints a line between the laughter and the damage" .. that line is so cool.

so yeah go to andrew norsworthy's site - www.andrewnorsworthy.com i think you can listen to that song there for free! and if you happen to read this andrew norsworthy, you're music is still so very inspiring to me; so thank you.


and thanks to my friends for our the mistakes we're willing to make... as messed up as they can be, and as much as i'd like for "integrity to win over desire" (ani difranco- manhole), and for us to figure out how to do many more positive things in the coming weeks than we've been able to do lately, every step's been important, so long as we're learning.


"and it's not hard to grow when you know that you just don't know" - damien rice, cannonball



now for work, on 3 hours of sleep... man, i hope its slow tonight. peace out lovers,


jodi

there is a bright side.. and im taking off my shades

that's right. while i can easily find things to get upset about... i'm realllly trying not to. and it works out most of the time that i can choose not to stress and not to get down.

i'd like to have some good times before i peace outta highschool, i guess kat's grad party is comin just in time. :)

i left school a little early today and came home and slept, i thought i was going to my room to get my guitar.. and then i fell on the bed and rolled a blanket around myself and slept 2 hours away, which i totally needed to do. my body is completely wiped out. i'm working tonight, it'll be hard, just because the runny nose has now come on, and the watery eyes, and ppl don't like when the girl making their sub is like gushing, and i'd rather be at home watching a movie and drinking soup.


but "i'm learnin how to be a fighter, and the differences that separate the misers, from ppl becoming wiser, and i'm on the verge of getting higher"

this is my theme song.. if you haven't heard it, then you're like everyone except my brother, cause i just made it up the other day but i've been jammin to it.

while i have complained some... i'm still atleast being productive, i figure thats the least i can do, to get things done because i never get things done and i'd like to prove that i can!

i think i need to pop another advil cold and sinus pill.. that could save me tonight! i forget about over the counter drugs and the help they provide.

house concerts are coming soon... possibly next week, let me know if you're down for chilling at my house while i play some songs and you eat and listen and converse. chipapalooza is next sunday!

i'm singing at the farewell assembly next friday.. and i'm performing at evening of the arts tomorrow night. i'm really excited. i can still perform even though i'm really sick, but i'm glad i called off my recording days, cause you want a recording to be good.. and its hard to focus and be good for 6 hours straight when you're feeling well.. let alone when you're sick! okay i betta head off to the p-jacka's. there totally is a bright side, i can see it, i'm trying to live in it ASAP, lets all do some good things this weekend, for the sake of having good things in our lives.


Jodi

the whole truth.. nothing but it.

i realized tonight that acknowledging the truth.. the shit.. the goodness.. all of it for what it is, and saying it out loud, and writing it down, and understanding it, all of it... including the shit... especially the shit.... well, there's just some tiny ounce of relief in that.. that will spring to more relief. so in my attempt to feel more relieved, i'd like to list here some things that have been really hard for me to accept and deal with lately.


nuc is leaving cedar ridge... rock the barn is going to be lots harder to pull off

i want to be doing a lot of good things, life isn't cooperating; my mentorship was aiming toward having my CD done by June 10th, well.. that'd be nice, but it's not possible.

it's 1 am, i have school tomorrow, and i'm sick

this is my last week of highschool, and its the biggest struggle to finish i think i've ever faced (because of the sum of this list)

my parents are going out of town again, and i could kind of use having them around to help encourage me

i'm not being encouraged in school to accomplish anything

i do want to accomplish so much

i love my friends, how am i going to leave them next year?

it's 1:03 AM, i'm still awake writing a blog

i have new songs i want to write but my throat hurts when i sing.. (i did sing anyway... straight through 12 songs just to practice yesterday, i did each one til i did it well)

i'm not giving up... a lot of what i face seems to tell me to give up

other people have problems... i can't be the one to fix all of them right now, though i'm trying, in the name of love!

what is church? why do i go? can i just create my own church without the theology? (YES I CAN!)




this last week is like... a mile high straight up mountain cliff that i have to keep taking giant leaps to get up, by only hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. the only thing is, i could fall and a lot of ppl wouldnt notice.. the mountain is myself respect my self-fulfilment... the journey to who i am. some people don't have that mountain, or if they do, its more like a straight up.. flat sidewalk like the one they just laid down through my neighborhood... easy to walk on. mine is ridiculously huge, but i'm not backing down, sure i'm crying a lot this week, and sure i hate the feeling in my "fingertips" that are holding on with fear because i wish i could have huge hands that could grasp that mountain with ease and climb it without any tears at all. but i love the excitement in knowing i'll make it to the top.. i'll roll over onto that ledge completely exhausted and worn out and fulfilled just laying there after the most trying set of leaps my body has ever encountered.

i'll let you know how the journey goes... until then, i better get back to climbing

1:15AM... (yes sleep is part of the battle, gotta learn how to fall asleep) starts right now!


JODI (i don't know if time really applies anymore, i can't really work within time lines, what if my whole life is this giant cliff? i want atleast one little plataue (spelling?), i'll get that eventually, just enough rest to battle out another real life thing. you just wait, i'll get to making the most beautiful thing ever... it's not a CD or a song or a report card or a paycheck.... it's me. i'm worth this struggle to become. and it's still hard, but i'm glad this all has been acknowledged. a big "thanks" to rachael for our awesome conversation on the phone that helped me realize all of this, i love you!)

time is too stubborn

there's just not enough of it. and my throat is officially huge. i probably got sick at work last week, when we didn't have enough gloves so we were sharing... with ppl who were sick.... sounds smart, huh? but i'll try not to be bitter at all... because all i really am is SAD. and it alll hit me today. this whole roller coaster craziness i've written about (from happy blog, to sad, to contemplative, to happy, to THIS), well i haven't cried once during all of it. i was realllly close, but i never cried.

so yesterday i did so much (see last blog), and made all these plans and thought it was going to be possible to do this CD in a timely fashion and get it out by the middle of june, but the truth IS, for me to do this CD, well it will take more time.

I did get totally carried away in my head thinking i had to pre-sell lots and lots of CDs, but really.. i have to remember that this is meant to be an enjoyable thing.

i woke up at 6:05 with plans to take a shower and go to school.. then i hit the snooze button, then i realized when the alarm went off again, that my thraot is gynormous, and so i went upstairs to tell my parents.. in disappointment, and my logical mother offers to schedule a doctors appointment and asks if i want to stay home... "I can't stay home, this is my last week of highschool, and I'm missing the last 2 days so that I can record, but my throat is sore, how am i going to... yes i'd LIKE to stay home, but..."

then tears welled up, and i walked downstairs to try to get some papers together... i knew i was about to let that dam go that was holding up all this emotion i've been feeling the past week, but that didn't mean i couldn't try to stay productive! for as much as i'm lazy a lot... there are things that are important to me that i'd really like to get done, and well, when i consider that this is my last week, i'm not like the rest of the seniors, i wanna do well, i've learned a lot this year, i respect math class, my mentorship has been this whole new journey i've taken this year with music, i'd like to make my portfolio kick ass (i havent started it yet), and in photography.. well i like that subject too, and i'd like to develop my film and do everything. everything THIS WEEK. I mean i'm LEAVING soon, I can DO this... (as i start crying harder and harder) and then i keep rumaging around my house trying to get books i'm going to return and get my lunch out of the fridge, but i just became like a stuffed doll walking around who couldn't even keep her knees locked to stand up, they just sink down. i made it to the office where.. for some reason there was one of those matts ppl sleep on and a blanket (oh yeah, we had lots of ppl sleep here for the bridal shower this weekend, which went wonderfully by the way), and i just laid there sobbing, and i couldn't stop.

then my dad came downstairs (keep in mind my parents usually sleep in later than 6:30 AM) and waited about 5 minutes til i could calm down enough to talk. and i only told him the half of it, where all the stress is coming from. theres still just so much sadness. but yeah, he recommended that i don't record on my last full days of school, and that i really try to get better and wait til i can do this really well, because it's something i enjoy, and it shouldn't be like this.


so i owe my pre-purchasers an email with an explanation, this project might not come to a close until july. and it sucks... because i rEALLY REALLY REALLY tried so hard this weekend to fix everything thats gone wrong to try to make up for lost time, but there's nothing i can even do, especially now that i'm sick, i just feel so disabled and robbed, like why would i become SICK NOW?? OF ALL TIMES?! And i'm really sad about it, because i do feel like i didn't accomplish something. it was just last week mrs. bennett said "we all face rejection and failure, just wait, you will fail some time in your life, it's the truth" and it's not that i'm throwing in the towel forever, but i did have a plan to finish this by the middle of june, and it looks like i'm failing to do that. and i don't think highly of that. but i do think highly of getting it done really well.

i'm gonna miss everything! i've been too busy to realize it! i mean we're done! i walk across the stage on thursday of next week!

The CDs will get mailed out once they are done.. and the important thing is they will be very awesome sounding CDs. i'll have a few little shows before then, either in my backyard or in at the barn. i'm going to sleep in... because my parents know best and they told me to. and i'll try to get in to see a doctor tomorrow. goodmorning/peace i'm sleeping again like its night... i wrote this last night:



i'm on the verge
and i'm getting higher
and i'm on the verge
no i'm not tired
i'm on the verge of catching fire

i'm learning how to be a fighter
the slightest differences separate the misers
from ppl committed to becoming wiser
and i'm on the verge of getting higher

cause when i start to need you
i start to feel
lonely
i start to lose me... (then it repeats, i made it into a quick song, kinda feels reggea/rockish)



after last week, i dont know what to expect on this ridiculous monday. (yes i said ridiculous because i have no better word!), later kids,

Jo

on the VERGE

of something incredible!!

i slept for 4.5 hours last night anddd have been up doing amazing things all day. i set up a paypal account which will be ready to accept credit card pre-purchases, i got my own bank account for music, i went to church and sorted everything out with my recording, AND i booked thursday and friday to record!!!

The recording will cost 500 bucks. you know.. i talked to jen on the phone tonight and i just realized everything is going to be okay. i was super stressed before trying to please ppl and feeling like if i didnt presell a whole lotta CDs that i'd been doing something wrong, that i was not being a successful musician. and THAT my friends, is a sucky place to be, questioning your own talents and abilities and weighing your success on monetary values. THAT is nottt what i enjoy doing! in fact i wrote this sweet song that i hoope will be ready in time to record and the first verse is:

"calling out desperately for an understanding
the commercial and the subliminal airwaves tells me
to go buy a new CD
and listen to somebody
but i can't even do that tonight
because i'd rather rip up those dollar bills
and burn a fire for the warmth and the chill
of freedom
cause i dont need em"

:)


I finally stepped back and realized how sucky of a position i had dug myself into with this whole project. it was easy to get so focused on the money-goal. but you know what.. the money support will just happen if i can enjoy myself and have ppl just as excited as i am about my CD! but if i'm up there worried outta my mind wondering if i can really pull this off.. there's no way i'll be able to convince anyone else, let alone myself, that its possible. but when all this stress was building and pushed me to my limits i realized that i dont NEED other people. that this really is just something that self-fulfills me and i have to let it do that and not get it all mixed up with "success" or $1,000. it's about the music and the love and thats ALL, a product is just a project, a tangible piece of work trying to capture the excitement, the love, the bold expression of life!

i'm totally backk on track. i just practiced 12 songs and recorded them til i did them well on garage band so that i'll be ready this thursday. my throat is quite sore right now, so say a prayer or think really hard about making the little scratchy molecules of bacteria in my throat let go and get pummelled by the goodness of a healthy set of tonsils and vocal chords by this thursday. sometimes i look back and think my struggles are just so silly when i realize what it is i need to accomplish. and i'm beginning the accomplishment. and i'm excited!



Jodi

but why be miserable?

so it hit me.. when i was singing at the arts festival.. my own lyric from the song "spectacular" jumped out and made a whole lot of sense...

"it's got to be too good, to ever be true... BUT WHY BE MISERABLE? when i can be myself and be happy..."


so it sounds a lil simple but damnit, thats just the truth, why be miserable? being miserable is certainly a choice, and easy choice at times of suckiness. there have been so many elavated events lately. like problems being elavated, awesome things being elavated, emotions, actions, love, loneliness, happiness, performance, listening, like all jumbled in to the past week!

i've almost cried about 6 times today. littlest things were just digging right in the open wound thats been created somehow. no one is really to blame, it's just that ppl i love are making decisions i don't understand, and when ppl i love are upset.. well i'm upset too! and then its hard to separate their pain from my own self, because we're all so connected. usually my awesome friends and i don't have any "drama".. lately has probly been the closest thing to drama that i've experienced with ppl like mike, who i just need to sit down and have an honest conversation with. i think i've been letting my own hurt get in the way of dealing with anything, which is lame and unfortunate, and i would like to get over that and be someone who does something rather than... gets upset about whats not being done/whats not happening.


in the midst of the problems that happen in life with my good friends, which i am reluctant to even refer to as "problems" because they are just things that happen that we're all working through... there's a lot of change going on like EVERYWHERE... and i'm just feeling like a lot of connections are fallling through (because they are), like the person who offered to record my whole CD for free who is now having lots of personal problems and probly won't be able to do it any time soon. i did find a studio that's 20 bucks an hour which is a great deal, and it doesn't look bad. and i might copy less than 1000 CDs because i found a company that does it for less. it's really rough sometimes doing all this stuff. many of you know, i don't like forcing things on ppl or self-promoting, because... it's either really rewarding or just upsetting to promote. i dont know how ppl just promote things, its a discouraging position a lot of the time. I was very happy that Sean Bouman was thoughtful enough to ask about what I was trying to do and participating in the presale for the sake of sponsoring me and what i'm trying to do. people like that, that really do believe in what i'm doing help me out so much. i know 10 bucks seems like a lot when you're like counting down the dollars you have for the rest of the week and it's easy to put off things like prebuying a CD from me, but in the scheme of things, 10 bucks aint too bad, and now i'm up to 10 CD's presold which is 100 bucks towards recording (which i'll now have to pay for).

my previous plan was to record for free and then mass-produce the CD.. which would cost a good 1200 bucks for 1000 copies of the CD, that way.. i'd have to sell 120 CD's to pay off the price... and i wouldn't really expect to make a lot but i'd get a product out that i could be proud of and other ppl could enjoy. soo that's still my plan except i found some other options where i can buy less CDs at a good rate (most places only have good rates when you buy a whooole lot). so this presale will help no matter what i have to do, i just think, now that i'm paying for recording, i should really make sure its a quality recording and that i dont produce shit just to save money... cause the music is much more important than the presentation (though the presentation is also important).

basically.. if you're out there and you support what i'm doing, I would truly appreciate your $10 pre-purchase of my CD that will happen one way or another.. and with your support it will happen without making me poor before i go to college. if you got connections, talk to me, if you don't have connections, just be supportive, i'm honestly just asking for that because this whole process is very trying on me, and i'll make it.. it's definitely tough though.

help a sista out! i'll make a paypal account sometime this week so ppl can buy this CD online. and the website is coming too. i'm working a lot! just gotta keep pushing through. i got thiss.. and i'm gonna enjoy as much of this week and half left of highschool as i can! wow, can't believe it.

SO MUCH CHANNGE! i love it, but it hurts at the same time! all this space has been created in my heartt and i'm wondering what will happen to it when i move away..

peace out,

Jodi

to all the ppl out there tonight who are comforting themselves..

i'll make this short, i think.. because i'm really tired and inches from sleep on my bed. yet i feel like writing SOMEthing. my hearts feeling a little tender lately, so that its easily bruised and vulnerable and mushy. i'm putting off some sort of breakdown that started sometime yesterday. autopilot works nicely at times, other times my heads just feeling heavy. not quite sure where to go, but i got this alarm thats going to go off ridiculously early screaming "WAKE UP GO TO SCHOOL"... well yeah its really just screming BEEP BEEP BEEP... but you and i both know the true translation.

i have been able to decipher a lot of what the real issues are... and that i'll have to really work through them to get to a point of nice relaxation and motivation and all that great stuff. i'm drained for now though. don't know what to do with myself really, and i think sleep is the answer, but somethings got me sitting here writing instead... i'm just too reluctant to speak about these futile thoughts..

i think on friday i will play: don't forget me, believe me, and maybe. yeah i havent played maybe in a while. history seems to repeat itself with different people. (so what if i write songs to deal with stuff... and sing them to re-deal)


so ani difranco's song recoil says it all right now:

to all the people out there tonight
who are comforting themselves
if you should happen to see my light
you can stop and ring my bell
i'm just sitting here in this sty
strewn with half written songs
takin one breath at a time
nothin much goin on...




i just want someone to cuddle with and cry to damnit... "probly just need to be held, thats probly all it is" (more lyrics from ani's song). i'll go to sleep now. not the most comforting blog but i felt compelled for personal reasons to write something, get some of it out.


thank god for good music in times like this.



Jodi

color me THANKFUL

for so much. last night i just had a GRAND time (as kathleen's mom encouraged) at AHS's prom. as if last week's prom wasn't amazing enough, this weekend just filled me up with so much love and straight GOODNESS. i liked not taking 5 hours to take pictures, i didn't mind that mike and i both couldn't find our IDs and we made everything a little late... i liked eating at a small enough table to engage in real conversation, i liked being the first ones to dance on the dance floor and the view of our silohuettes against a black and white movie on the wall. i liked DANCING all night long with the coolest people ever. I liked traveling in a spacious red van. i liked going to get marshmellows and finding phish food icecream instead.. i liked the campfire in kathleens backyard and creating the background chords for made-up songs that made us cry, and holding on to eachother cuddled up under the stars (spooning is a beautiful thing), could've laid there forever. i liked waking up to the sun on my face and the realization that these lovely people aren't GOING anywhere so soon, and that i get to spend many summer nights just like this.

to all the mom's out there-- thanks for making life possible, because life is a beautiful thing. as we were driving in mike's car, there was this song playing by semisonic.. something with the word "movie" in the title, and it was a sort of quiet deep/interesting song, and i just thought that about how happy it was and it made me want to cry. then i looked down at the ipod and i guess it was the title of the CD this song was off of: "feeling strangely fine" and well, thats how i felt... strangely fine.

i've been thinking lately i abuse the word "weird" or "strange"... cause i just use it for anything i don't have the ability to clearly comprehend. to say i feel strangely fine is interesting, because i can't explain how good i felt the past couple hours with mike, rach, kathleen, and judy.. it's the kind of good if you think about it makes you want to cry, because well... we're all really amazing individuals, and we're about to go on our own journeys, and we all know we need to. it's just wild, like.. so much of me is in them/from them, when i played my graduation song last night kathleen had just said something about her appreciating my gift of music.. and like as soon as she said something it registered with me how.. my music is a part of me and my music can really speak to people, but its who those people are that starts the conversation in the first place and the creation of it all and the continuation of it. without all their encouragement (and this goes out to a lot of people), sure.. i'd still play my guitar, but my songs would be drastically different, and who knows if i'd love it as much as i do.

so i'd like to read/live more to have a better word for those times when i'm "feeling strangely fine"... until then, all i got to say is i love life, and i love the people that make my life, and i love impacting theirs... and that i'm thankful, so THANKS for being part of this process.

maybe its just a little scary to love people this much and know their gonna be across the country next year, man.. you all are going to do amazing things, and so am i. you better believe it.



Jo

big thoughts in a small head

i'm reading this amazing book "the man who saw the face of god" and it's totally got me lost in lots of philisophical questions. i've underlined things on one out of every 5 pages throughout the whole book because it is just so interesting the life this guy lived that led him to an ever-changing/growing belief system. it's interesting to read about his life, but it makes me anticipate my own life more and more.. like where is it going? whats going on? what do i believe anyway?

i feel lately the inability to be decisive on any type of issue. whether its the morality of ppl drinking/smoking or whether or not christianity is the way, i don't feel like i know enough to draw any type of conclusions about much. sure i have some stances on things, but i feel like as time goes on, i have less and less "stance", and instead i'm letting myself be shaped by my experiences.. which are for the most part under my control. but what does all this mean?

i had AP tests today and the question was quite interesting for the last essay.. it was about people (characters in literature) who inwardly question a lot but outwardly conform.. and in the novels i read, well the internal struggle forged with outward conformity ended in suicide or death for those characters. how sucky.. but it just shows, they couldn't do it, they were too scared to go against the grain, and too idealistic to be happy where they were, so it was constant let down (i'm thinking mostly of that book "the awakening"). but thats like my fear.. not that i'll die or commit suicide, but that i'll be too afraid to go against the grain, too afraid to boldly go where nobody in the family has gone-- the thing is, i dont even know where the place i'm going is.. but for some reason i feel like whatever i choose to do outside the realms of the christain world just isn't okay, when i'd really prefer to see beyond the limitations of religion... into some idea that God is real and huge and in every experience we could have, prayer time aside.

i say big thoughts in a small head because i do also feel quite small.. that if someone were to sit here and fire questions at me i'd have no way of responding, no backbone or reserve or defense. and thats great, because being vulnerable at times is important in life, in order to be open with ppl you have to learn to be vulnerable and i value that. i just got to work in some general direction of development, i guess i've been so concerned with eliminating restrictions and being sure not to judge people that its difficult to discern now.. all i do know is that i don't want my life to be run on some list of do's and dont's set by myself or especially others becaause i feel there is more to life than fulfilling criteria for some ambigous or self-satisfying goal (heaven/to "please god").. i have this hope that maybe pleasing god is achieved through faithfully acknowledging and giving validity to every step of my life down to the most human desires/hopes/fears.. rather than feeling small or inadequate in the downcast view of super-christains.

kind of like the ani difranco song, "what if no ones watching" which sings: "i mean what, what if no ones watching? what if when we're dead, we are just dead? and what, what if god ain't looking down, what if he's looking up instead?.. i can't apologize for everything i know... we have to be able to criticize what we love, say what we have to say, and if you're not trying to make something better than as far as i'm concerned you're just in the way"... well i just love that, esp that last part. so what she's saying is that if "no one was watching" or like counting the wrongs and rights; if there was no god, we would have to rely on ourselves to make anything good happen in the world. so i'm sure there's a way to believe in god and to also take action in this world to see to it to make something better through our own actions. but really... isn't the same thing achieved whether you're ani difranco or a christian missionary? what the heck does it matter if i have all the facts straight, whether i can define god the same way someone else can? is it just to connect with a group of people? and if all people are supposed to be equal, why is it so important which group i identify with?

i think i'd rather connect with individuals.. and their personal interpretations.. than try to conform to a larger mass. maybe my head isn't so small after all, but i'm sure there are people who would inform me otherwise with the facts, its just that i'm not so sure i even want to hear them... unless you want to get to know me, lets not get bogged down with setting standards. i like relationships based on love and acceptance, not some daunting humiliating judgment, i just gotta find my ground and hold on.. or do i even need to define my territory? i feel i've gotten somewhere through just writing this. what a strange thing this whole blog is... it's like making public a conversation to myself! now's when i debate whether or not to hit publish, i guess it's that feeling of "oh no, not everyone will agree with me!" but the truth is.. well the truth is ppl don't always agree and that is a damn good thing that i'll face. right now!

what would you do with it..

so tony campolo came to my house today.. he co-authored a book with my dad called adventures in missing the point and speaks all over the country and runs lots and lots and lots of different programs to help the poor and educate people around the world. I had the pleasure of sharing dinner with him and then attending some open question service our church held. So we were at dinner and the city of Camden came up in conversation to which I brought up my visit to the camden house with chris haw and his crew and how amazing that program was and how it was really good to see them living in this horrible place and enduring and accomplishing so much. so tony is like... we have a program in camden, i'm sending you information on it, you can go this summer, just raise money from your church and then we'll pay your expenses here and you'll make enough money to get you going off to college through donations.

now.. i don't even know if i'm up for something as crazy as Camden or what i'd be useful for there.. but just hearing- "you can do it, make it happen for yourself, i'll help" sounded so wonderful to me. and i sat there and thought... well if i could really not work this summer, i'd love to go explore the bounds of songwriting/performing/driving around with the CDs i hope to mass produce in the near future....





finally promoted that in my blog! lol. i loved sitting in at this open discussion at my church as well. tony was talking about college or something and how you'll forget most of the stuff you learn and that its important to major in "people not subjects." and i loved hearing THAT too... i mean that's what i DO, i major in PEOPLE, relationships, conversations, learning, listening to real people with real stories and real passion. even studying english is like... literature about people and their struggles/triumphs/thoughts/experiences. so tony also does motivational speaking and even though this wasnt one of his motivational speeches, and he talked mostly about important political issues and where religion comes in to play with all of them... i definitely felt very motivated while listening to go out and do something good in the world. it's not enough to see all thats wrong with america and the system and society.. one has to engage and change something. i still feel so distant from christianity that it's hard to picture myself engaging in evangelical mission work. so i don't know where to go from here, but there is much that can be done with these moments. i'm all about that NOW thing. (saying yes to the moment is saying yes to eternity.. go watch "waking life" if you wanna know more about that statement). i basically want to LIVE each day fully without limiting myself.

so all this mind-stimulation is wonderful... and at the same time making studying for AP tests seem like a sluggish activity i'd rather not engage in right now! something tells me it's going to work out, i do feel bad for how much money these tests cost, but there's more to life than money, and that is damn good to know.

so if you want to free yourself of $10, it'll help me mass-produce my lovely CD this June. post a comment, send me an email with your name and address, we'll get this thing rolling together.

if you haven't re-evaluated what you could be doing with your life, now is the perfect opportunity. i see a whole lot in store for myself and its up to me to make it happen. and who knows? maybe i will go chill with poor people and help out. i would like to see some more good in the world and that kind of thing might just have to start right here in my actions. it's worth considering the different directions our lives can go based on our decisions.


Jodi